To All the Women I’ve Known

I grew up in a conservative community, on a grape vineyard in Central California. In life and sports, making jokes at the expense of girls and women was as natural as breathing. We did it on the golf course, the baseball diamond, or when a classmate didn’t do well on a quiz.

When we made the same comments around girls, it was even worse. Some even just played along with a laugh. But I’m sure they weren’t laughing on the inside. It was all innocent fun, or so we told ourselves. It didn’t help that I grew up in religious institutions in which women were not allowed to teach or serve in leadership roles, except with other women or children.

In my journey of living loved, I’ve become more joyfully aware of how inappropriate that kind of humor is. It was rude and cruel even when women were not present. I’ve apologized and offered to make amends to many of the women who were the focus of that humor, but there’s no way I’ve gotten to them all.

Then, last week, in a phone call, a good friend read a quote to me by Dorothy Sayers, one of the first women to graduate from Oxford University:

“Perhaps it is no wonder that the women were first at the Cradle and last at the Cross. They had never known a man like this. A prophet and teacher who never nagged at them who never made arch jokes about them; who praised without condescension; who took their questions and arguments seriously. There is no act, no sermon, no parable in the whole Gospel that borrows its pungency from female perversity; nobody could possibly guess from the words and deeds of Jesus that there was anything funny about woman’s nature.

Ouch!

When I heard this quote, I knew I wanted to be like that guy, and all the more because his example has not borne much fruit in the world. This quote made me aware once again of the stupid things I’ve said, but even more so, that I have not been as proactive as Jesus in guarding each woman’s dignity, wisdom, and value. That’s going to change too.

So, I want to apologize to every woman hurt by a joke I told or some misplaced attempt at humor. I’m sorry. And if you need that apology more personally, please let me know. I’d be happy to make do it in person and make amends if I can.