Search Results for: Friends and friends of friends

Continuing with our weekly theme of Q and A, here’s another bit of dialogue with a brother concerned about relationships:

What do you mean loser? I think you may be taking personally, what is not personal and I’d be careful about abandoning one-way relationships. Believe me, I can understand the frustration of feeling like you’re the only one pursuing relationship, but don’t dismiss that gift so quickly. Honestly, of the people I meet (and I meet some pretty awesome people) I’d say less than 25% have the courage, motivation, or presence of mind to intentionally build relationships or facilitate others doing so. Isn’t that sad? I’d think anyone growing to know Jesus would be excited to meet others, invite them over or out to lunch, or even call once and awhile to see how someone’s doing, but that simply isn’t true. And though I know that relationships are a lot more fun when both people exhibit the same desire to get-together, I think you might want to reconsider tuning out those who don’t seem to reciprocate.

I say that for a couple of reasons. Jesus specifically warned us about the trap of reciprocating relationships. He said it in the context of inviting people for dinner who can also invite you back. He encouraged us to invite those who can’t invite us back. The reasons for that may be financial, but they could also be emotional or something else. I know people who desperately want community, but they can barely keep their head above the water of job and family responsibilities to make the choices to actually participate in it. That’s epidemic in the States, I think. Yes, it may reflect a lack of discipline, but not necessarily a lack of desire.

Second, you may be the only relationship that other person has, and though they don’t have the wherewithal to initiate contact, they may be deeply appreciative of the contact they do have. I have come to look at relationships this way: Two-way relationships are the stuff of community and deep fellowship. When both parties are involved intentionally, it is the best. I look at one-way relationships as ministry. I may not get much back from them, but I’m willing to give all I can to help them further along the journey. Over time some of those one-way friendships actually develop into real community as the person gets freer from the demands of this age and learns to live in the invitation of the kingdom.

And yes, I have ended up in far more one-way relationships than I have two way, but now I’m no longer worried about it. The question I deal with now is not, “What am I getting out of this?” Rather, it is, “What is Jesus asking me to do to encourage life among his family?” Every community group that survives over time has at least two or three folks in it who can initiate fellowship, facilitate getting together and keeps others on their heart so serve them however they know to do it. Would that all God’s people lived that way. What a body that would be! But for now we have to realize that few people really understand how body life really happens and have the strength, time and emotional resource to reach out aggressively to others. We need more of those, not less. So, hang in there, Bro! I know it isn’t easy. You may not see the fruit of those relationships for years, but when you do it is worth the time planting and cultivating.

I am all for you having relationships in and out of the body! Great stuff! I just wouldn’t make rules about it and simply be free to follow the Lamb wherever he goes. When he puts someone on your heart, pursue it. Don’t worry about their ability to reciprocate. Be a blessing to them and watch what God does…

I got the following email last week about church discipline and thought that others might be interested in this topic as well. This is a blog, remember, so I’m not giving a definitive, this-will-fit-every-situation kind of answer. Rather, I’ll share some thoughts that may help you think through these kinds of situations when they arise.

I think this is an excellent example of how we have taken realities Paul lived in a relational context and try to apply them to an institutional one, and it just doesn’t work. Scripture never uses the term ‘excommunication’. That’s an institutional word not a relational one. What Paul asked the Corinthians to do was set a brother outside of the group who was persistently living in an immoral relationship and which the group was endorsing by their acceptance of it. His hope was this would cause repentance and it did. In 2 Corinthians Paul tells them that the brother has repented and ended the relationship so it was time to bring him back as a brother. The purpose of this was not to ostracize him and shame him; it was just to help him see the reality that his lifestyle was not acceptable in God’s family.

In one sense we are to have scorn for all sin—it diminishes who God made us to be and hurts others around us. So we can hate it as much as God does. However, feeling scorn for sin doesn’t translate into feeling scorn for sinners. For them we show compassion. We all know what it is to cave into sin and know how helpless we are to conquer it in ourselves. I’m glad you’ve still shown that kind of love to your friend and you’re right, God does not reject us in our failure, but invites us closer to him.

We had a similar situation in a group I met with once. I had a friend who was living in a gay relationship and they both wanted to join our group for fellowship. They had come to the conclusion that Scriptures used against homosexuality were being misinterpreted and that God accepted their relationship. Of course our group did not feel the same way. We had a long conversation about it and I told them that while I cared about them, I did not endorse their relationship and neither would others in the group. We couldn’t pretend to be on a journey together when they were seeking to justify something we thought the Scripture clearly defined as outside of God’s will. This would have been very different if they could have confessed it as sin and wanted us to help them find God’s healing and freedom. In any case, they could see that it wasn’t best to come and our friendship survived that. Having a friendship with someone struggling in the bondage of sin is very different from sharing the journey with them in the context of fellowship. I think that’s what Jesus meant when he said to put people out of the body who live in persistent sin. He said to treat them as tax-gatherers, the kind of people he was criticized for hanging out with. Cleary his desire was not to add shame to their lives, but simply let them live honestly the consequences of their choice. But if we don’t love folks like that, how will they come to know him?

The problem I have with what is often called ‘church discipline’ is that it usually only applies to sexual sins, when Paul’s list included far more: “You must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler.” Sometimes the very people implementing such discipline are those who live greedy or gossiping lives. If we’re going to take this seriously, let’s do it for all in this list and not just for sexual sins. But notice what Paul is really driving at here. It’s not the sin that causes the problem, but their attempts to pass themselves off as a brother or sister in that sin. He tells us not to avoid them in the world or treat them with contempt but to avoid the appearance that people are on the journey when they are not allowing Jesus to transform them into his image. The real dilemma is how do we love them without endorsing their point of view, which Jesus had no problem doing and when we learn to walk in compassion and truth we will find that freedom as well.

In your specific case, and assuming these are all the facts, this doesn’t seem to fit Paul’s teaching at all. To call an inappropriate conversation or even forbidden attraction ‘adultery’ is a gross misunderstanding of the Sermon on the Mount. Depending how deep it was it might have been a good idea to release him from leadership, but to ostracize him from fellowship for this kind of thing is really ridiculous. I think these are the kind of instances where Galatians 6 comes into play. When you find a brother or sister faltering, go rescue them with gentleness and tenderness knowing that any of us could fall into the same kind of trap. Body life is not a shared journey of those who are perfect, but of those growing to know him and passionate to be changed into his image, not find endorsement for our sin or failures. Until we get honest with the fact that we all struggle against various kinds of sins we’ll never find the depth of fellowship that God offers us. As long as we have to pretend to be better than we are to find fellowship, our fellowship will be false and ineffective. Paul points that out in so many ways in the totality of his writings.

When Paul tells the Ephesians that “there must not even be a hint of sexual immorality” among them, he is offering his hope, not the reality. You can’t read through the epistles and not see that sexual failure was an ongoing part of the struggles of those early Christians. Paul invited them to the greatest freedom imaginable in the life of Jesus. He didn’t tell them to reach that goal by kicking everyone out who struggles with sexual sin. Try to do that and you’ll just have a group of people who have learned to hide it better.

So, I hope those thoughts are helpful. The great thing about a blog is that others can weigh in on this important topic as well. So, agree or disagree, feel free to add your thoughts below and let’s see what we can all learn through this.

I attended the funeral of dear, dear friend yesterday. He was 57 years old and was suddenly and tragically killed last Thursday when a 19-year-old drove a dump truck through a stop sign and plowed into my friend’s car killing him instantly. I’ve known Steve for over 20 years as a close friend. We even served alongside each other in the Father’s kingdom when I was part of a more traditional congregation. Those who spoke of him yesterday rightly captured his child-like exuberance, his bedrock integrity and his passion for God’s truth.

At such moments I’m always struck by how fragile life is and how empty our pursuits in this world. At the end of it all what always matters most is our relationships with people and how we have encouraged them on this incredible journey of knowing the fullness of Father’s life. Steve lived like that. Even through some of my darkest days, he proved to be a faithful friend who sought the truth more than the comfort of an illusion. We stayed close even though life took us in different directions. Though I will miss him here another treasure of mine has been deposited in eternity where we will reunite one day.

His death also brought together a group of people who were walking with God together ten years ago and who were scattered shortly thereafter by a power-struggle between those purported to be leaders. I talked with many of those people at the graveside earlier in the morning and then as we gathered for a memorial service around noon. It was so good to see how many of those relationships were still intact and that they had survived the lies, the pain and the separation of a decade ago. As we sang songs of praise together I looked around the room and flashbacked to better days when we had shared the courts of the Lord together with love and affection. I was truly blessed to stand again with brothers and sisters I have deeply missed, even though our journeys took us different directions.

It took the death of a common friend to cut through the garbage of our different perceptions of God’s work and celebrate what was real in our relationships together. I had a very blessed day connecting, even if briefly with so many old friends and find that love truly does endure all things.
Perhaps the better we know this Jesus, his death will do the same thing for us and all the other pieces of his incredible family scattered through time and over the whole world.

Over the past few weeks I’ve spent a lot of time around my parents home due to my dad’s surgery. That put me near a whole group of people that Sara and I used to fellowship with when we first got out of college and in the years that followed. And even though a lot of that fellowship was around institutional machinery that I wouldn’t put the same time and effort in today, we all marveled at the relationships we had found with each other during those years.

Thirty years later we can pick up with those people exactly where we left off. The connection in Christ, compassion for each other and desire to share God’s life has survived the distance and miles that grew between us. What a joy it was to connect with these relationships again and share where the journey has taken us.

One of the things that many of them shared is that they no longer had relationships like these. Even though many of them are still a part of that same institution, and helping with leading in it, it has grown and changed over time. Many of them no longer connect with each other because they are too worn out with the program. When I asked if new people coming found their way into the kind of relationships we had back then, I was told it was just too big for that. One of the couples even reminded me how we’d been discouraged from the fellowship times we spent together because they weren’t part of the sanctioned program.

We certainly miss something when helping people build authentic relationships is lost to preserving an institution. People always hope one will spawn the other, but it never does. The priorities of an institution will eventually run counter to the priorities of family. Sara and I have been grateful that wherever we have been God has helped us build enduring friendships with brothers and sisters. We look back over our lives and celebrate the heritage of deep friendships that we have enjoyed at every stage of our journey. Some span 30 years, others ten; still others have only begun in the last couple of years.

But these kind of relationships offer the truest joy of sharing life in Father’s family. The time you invest today in building relationships with others on this journey will be fruit you can feast on over a lifetime. If our life together doesn’t build those kinds of friendships, what good is it? We have to remember not to get so caught up in the affairs of this world that we don’t take time to intentionally build friendships with people God puts in our paths.