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Betrayal, Forgiveness, and Reconciliation

By Wayne Jacobsen

Living Loved • Spring 2012

The world does not need one more example of people who claim to be Christ-followers while they blow up close friendships for whatever personal gain they may seek. We have too many already.

Unfortunately, Christians have a far greater reputation for self-serving than they do for self-sacrifice. Church history is littered with successions of church splits, doctrinal distinctions that allow one group to look down their noses at another, gossip, and dishonest business practices.

What a sad heritage indeed when the only thing Jesus asked of us is that we would love each other in the same way he loved us so that the whole world would know who he is! We failed that mission miserably. We failed it early. And we continue to fail it often.

Paul and Barnabus couldn’t even find a way to go on a second journey together to spread the gospel in the world. They ended up in a “violent disagreement” over John Mark that shattered their friendship and unfortunately set a tone that has endured for 2000 years. There are even numerous examples in history of both sides in a war praying to the same God to help them slaughter their enemies.

If you wonder why authentic, caring community with other Christfollowers remains so elusive, it’s because Christianity, as a religious system, merely offers humanity another tool to serve their own ambitions. Many, especially so-called leaders, have never learned to live with the same selfsacrificing love that allowed Jesus to engage others beyond his own personal needs. They view people around them either as those they can exploit if they are cooperative, or must subvert if they dare challenge or question.

We will love well in the world only when we learn that the essence of love is in laying down our lives for others, not using them for our own needs. We will never understand that freedom until we know how loved we are by God.

Valuing Relationships

I’ve met a lot of people who want to be famous writers, artists, or musicians, others who want to change the world through media, political action, or power encounters. But I don’t recall ever meeting anyone whose life ambition was to be a good lover of people. And yet, that’s how Jesus seemed to live his life. He didn’t start any projects, rush around to planning meetings, or plot world-altering strategies. He simply loved the people his Father put before him and the kingdom of God made its way into the world.

Maybe that’s why he told the disciples that if they would love like he did the whole world would get to see who he is. It’s the one thing Christians haven’t done for 2000 years. It’s amazing how easily Christians discard personal relationships in the pursuit of other things they consider more critical. Whether it is doctrinal purity, political power, personal acclaim, or behavioral conformity, anything we put above loving the people God puts before us will only make us more a part of the world system that offer human sacrifices to the god of our self-expedience.

Why do we do it? Because we have no idea how deeply loved we are. One can even teach the so-called “love message” and yet still throw someone under the bus at the first sign of trouble. If you’re willing to do that to someone else to save yourself, you don’t know Jesus well. Learning to live loved is the fruit of a growing relationship with him. It seems to take significant time, and most of our theological studies and religious efforts are not helpful in that process. I was a passionate practitioner of a religion called Christianity for over forty years before I had an inkling of how much the Father loved me. I was so busy trying to accomplish something great for him that people were often a means to my ambition, not the object of my affection.

As I grow in my understanding of his love for me it changes the way I see others around me, including complete strangers. I’ve come to appreciate that the greatest gifts we are given in this life are the people we know and the friendships that grow out of those relationships. Ask any person on the verge of death and they will swear it is so. Everything else is secondary.

Unfortunately, not everyone shares the same passion for relationship, and if you’re going to love deeply in this world you will also get hurt often. You will be taken advantage of. You will be mistreated and often used. Our world is relationally challenged, which is why there are so many Scriptures that help us deal with relational breakdowns.

If you want to love like he loves, you will have to learn how to negotiate the painful realities of broken relationships and even find joy even in the process. Living loved by him and loving others freely around you is the greatest adventure you will ever know.

Handling Betrayal

We learned at a very young age that the same people who might praise us one day, can easily reject us the next. I wonder how many people who shouted, “Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord” as Jesus rode into Jerusalem, also shouted, “Crucify him,” only five days later.

Jesus knew that for many love would often take second-place to self-interest. I’m not talking here about momentary failures or misunderstandings that can temporarily derail a friendship. We all see things differently, and can disappoint each other without knowing it. But people of honor will work through those moments to find a mutually satisfying resolution with love and respect. Betrayal rises out of consistent patterns of exploitive, deceptive, or destructive behaviors.

For the past ten years I’ve begged every friend I’ve done business with, to resolve whatever difficulties might arise inside the friendship. I promised if they were unhappy, I’d make sure they walked away with a smile before I did. People easily agree to the concept, but at the first sign of conflict some will betray the friendship and seek whatever means they can to force their will. And almost all of them claim God’s leading even when it involves outright lying and gossip. When I’ve asked them to submit their concerns to other believers of their choosing, they refuse. That’s when you know they are not concerned with a fair solution, but only one that serves them.

Feeling used by another human being is one of the most painful realities of living in a broken world. I’ve been surprised by it on more than one occasion and am left wondering why people can’t put affection and truth ahead of duplicity and greed.

Perhaps it simply asks more of people than they have to give. In his book, His Excellency George Washington, Joseph J. Ellis tells us that our nation’s founders rejected the idea of a pure democracy knowing it would ultimately fail. “During the war Washington had learned, the hard way, that depending on a virtuous citizenry was futile, for it asked more than human nature was capable of delivering.” And what was that? “Making voluntary sacrifice the operative principle of republican government had proved to be a romantic delusion. Both individual citizens and sovereign states required coercion to behave responsibly.”

Without Christ that is certainly true. Often with Christ it is still true. I’ve spent a lot of time of late with people who have been through incredible acts of betrayal, whether it is an unfaithful spouse, abusive pastors, or even dishonest business associates. There’s nothing worse than finding out that a close friend has decided they have more to gain by betraying you than by remaining faithful.

Rather than be overrun with pain, however, Jesus told us to consider ourselves blessed when we’re lied about or excluded. And if we don’t appreciate it, we will only treat others the way they treat us and perpetuate the cycle of pain. No, that isn’t easy, but it is nonetheless the truth.

One thing that helps me is not to take it personally. No one deserves to be betrayed by someone who postures themselves as a close friend. Betrayal at its heart is not about you, it’s about weakness in the other person’s soul. Hurting people, hurt people. That’s as true a statement as I know. Betrayal is an assault against love itself and only shows how lost the betrayer is in his own pain.

Of course, none of us can endure betrayal on our own. We have to land squarely on the lap of a loving Father, pouring out our hurts and disappointments, knowing he is able to care for us even beyond the unfaithfulness of others. As we find healing and rest in his love, which may take weeks or months, then it will become clear how he wants us to respond.

Sometimes he wants you to stay in the relationship and love them past it. At other times he will want you to distance yourself from destructive people, especially those who violate your boundaries. Loving others doesn’t mean you have to let them walk all over you. He will show you how to lay down your life in trust that he will resolve things in far better ways than you can.

Finding Forgiveness

“Unforgiveness is like drinking rat poison while waiting for the rat to die,” is a common, but wise expression.

Our unforgiveness does not impact those who have hurt us. It doesn’t even protect us from further hurt. It merely leaves power in the hands of those who cause damage in the world. Forgiveness is the healing salve in broken relationships. It does not excuse someone else’s behavior; it merely frees their victim from the ongoing pain of their actions and the desire to pay them back. By doing so it opens the opportunity for us to find healing beyond the pain, and the freedom to move on with God’s further work in our lives.

But forgiveness is not just a choice of our will; it is a process. It begins by bringing our hurt and pain to Father so that his love can heal us from what others have done to damage us. This may take a few weeks or even years, depending on how deep the betrayal, but don’t stop short until his freedom comes to reign in your heart. Somewhere along the way, as he untangles the pain and leads us out of it into greener pastures, you’ll find yourself able to release the other person from your judgment and entrust them to God.

You’ll know forgiveness has had its work in you when you no longer feel the angst in your stomach when you think of the one who hurt you. You’ll find God’s love more powerful than the most destructive intentions of others. In the end, we learn to forgive as we understand how much we need God’s forgiveness ourselves. When I have a difficult time forgiving someone else over a long season, it has helped me to ask Jesus what it is about his forgiveness that I don’t yet know for myself. The more I understand his forgiveness for me the easier it becomes to give it away to others.

What I love about forgiveness is that it is a unilateral process. It doesn’t depend on the other person owning their failure or asking me for it. My forgiveness of others is transacted with God alone. I free them to God. And, as much as God allows, I take my liberty from their continuing influence on my life. Forgiving can allow an amiable relationship, but it will be a distant one. You can keep the peace with them by not bringing up the past, but the friendship will not heal.

Nothing in forgiveness heals the relationship, nor does it give respect back to those who were hurtful. Many have been taught that true forgiveness erases the past and lets us start over. It does not. While I remove my judgment from them, their actions may still expose their true nature. While I can continue to love them, it is love with eyes wide open, aware of the deep inner torment that they live with and their willingness to thrust it upon others in an instant.

A Heart for Reconciliation

Forgiveness alone, however, does not fulfill the Father’s greatest desire. Broken relationships in his family break our Father’s heart. It results from sin twisting us and our competing for things he has not given. Redemption always holds out hope for reconciliation– even with those people who have wronged us most. God’s ability to restore friendship between estranged children of his, is one of the greatest fruits of his work in humanity.

In the past four months I’ve had the blessing of being part of two reconciliations of important friendships that were cut off in days of pain and betrayal. Both separations lasted over 15 years and have now been healed. I wish it hadn’t taken so long, but this isn’t a process we control. What absolute delight it was to work through the pain, misunderstandings, and confusion that caused the separation, and celebrate the grace of God that triumphs in all of us, even beyond our own brokenness and failures!

While forgiveness is a unilateral process, reconciliation is a bilateral process where the relationship is healed. This can only happen when both parties are ready to sit down and honestly explore each other’s story with a spirit of compassion and humility. It cannot be forced and can only happen when all parties truly value the relationship over any other agenda. Reconciliation embraces a love greater than our need to be vindicated.

This, too, is a work of Father we respond to, and not our responsibility to make happen. Until each heart is prepared to truly listen to the other’s story, laying aside own assumptions and judgments, admitting mistakes, caring about each other’s pain, and mitigating any way we can the damage we caused. That’s what allows friendship to be renewed.

Do I Trust Them Again?

Does reconciliation restore trust? I’m asked that question almost every time I discuss it. Of course not!

Reconciliation does not require us to trust again. That’s a different process. While it will allow us to love them again, reconciliation does not restore trust. The sad truth is that while it takes years to build trust it only takes a minute to destroy it. Once destroyed by abuse or betrayal, trust has to grow again even after the friendship is renewed. You can forgive a spouse who abuses you, and even find reconciliation as he owns his failure, but reconciliation doesn’t change people. If we simply trust someone who has not yet changed, we only set ourselves up to be exploited again.

Reconciliation doesn’t make you stupid or gullible. Cheap promises are not a substitute for transformation. Trust, once violated, can only be won back by the demonstration over significant time that God has dealt with their inner darkness, and they have come to value the relationship above their own self-interest.

You don’t trust a stranger, and you don’t re-trust someone who has betrayed you even after you’ve been reconciled. We are never told to trust someone beyond our assurance that they will lay down their life for us. Trust is the fruit of an ever-deepening relationship of mutual love and respect. One of the greatest joys in human relationship is to engage relationships of love and growing trust that endure the test of years of shifting circumstances. It is a journey worth cultivating, and one worth protecting. Why anyone would trade that joy for any temporal gain is beyond me. They are giving up more than they know.

The Sweet Smell of Death

I recently spent some time in New Zealand with a friend of mine named John Beaumont, he challenged me to look at a Scripture differently than I’d ever interpreted it before. He told me that a passage in Second Corinthians that has been misinterpreted for centuries. This is where Paul writes that we are a fragrance to those being saved, and to those that are perishing. “To the one we’re a smell of death; to the other the fragrance of life.” (2:16)

John explained that most people think that we are a smell of death to the world and fragrance of life to the church, but the construction of the verse won’t support that conclusion. We are actually a smell of death to those being saved, and a fragrance of life to the world. How can that be? My confused look caused John to go on.

“The smell of death for the believer, is one where someone has been crucified with Christ and their ‘life is now hidden with Christ in God (Col 3:3),” John concluded. Is there any greater fragrance than someone whose wounds, ambitions, preferences, and agendas have been swallowed up by God and who now lives in the simple power of loving and caring for others? The aroma of a life that no longer needs to find its own identity, force its own will, or prove itself, offers a garden of rich possibilities in their daily interactions.

Those who are loved well by Father, will love well in the world. To be a lover of people is the one thing every one of us can do each day that will do more to change the world than any personal achievement we aspire to. Loving those whom God puts before–our spouse, children, co-workers, neighbors, and even strangers–is where real joy is found and where the kingdom work is really done.

Each time you offer a greeting, show an interest, serve a need, offer a listening ear or a shoulder to weep on, or any other way you simply care for another human being, you become a reflection of his glory. And every day you treat people with compassion, dignity, and respect, refusing to put your interests above theirs, forgiving freely and seeking healing, the life of Jesus shines a bit brighter in a broken world.
Nothing else you can do today will matter more.

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Loneliness and the Journey

10 Comments / Uncategorized / April 5, 2011

I get this email a lot. In fact I got two of them last week. I think you’ll enjoy the exchange:

I know you get this more than a lot, but I am totally lonely! I’ve been on this journey since the summer of 2009 when the So You Don’t Want to Go to Church Anymore book came across my path. I feel isolated, and today I am going to a “church” just to be around other Christians, but yet I don’t want to go back! But I miss being around the people who at least seemed to know God. I do not miss the sermons and all the bells and whistles of Sunday mornings though. I guess I have to ask, after two years almost, how does this work? I’ve been depressed but I do not want to go back to the system, for real. I miss fellowship.

My response: Sorry you’re having some difficulty finding some folks to travel with. And believe me, I know how lonely it can feel. But fellowship is not to fill our loneliness. That ultimately can only be swallowed up by a loving Father as he continue to makes himself known to you and shows you how to follow him. He knows the fellowship you desire and he will bring it into your life as you simply begin to love the people God has already put around you. They may not even be believer yet, but as you simply grow in learning to care about them and recognize those God’s wants to give you a friendship with.

That doesn’t mean you can’t try out fellowships, look on line from others from your area. All of those can be helpful in this process. You may even find some in a more traditional congregation. Not all congregations are harmful. There are some out there who help people get to know Jesus and provide some wonderful relationships. Let him lead you and try not to be anxious. Sometimes it is better to go it alone with Jesus for a bit and learn to live in him rather than try to do that in a religious setting that trades in guilt and performance.

But be assured of this, Father knows the fellowship that he wants to bring into your life. Look where you can, but beyond your own abilities, know that he is at work. Right now I suspect God wants you to learn dependence in him so when others come along, you can find the friendships that trust in him allows as people encourage each other to live loved. It is a process. I know this isn’t the easiest part, but as you get through this season you’ll find it well worth it…

Just this morning I got this in return:

Thank you brother Wayne. This is the wisest piece of advice I’ve gotten since I met the Lord 11 years ago, when everything my bible study pastor told me came as fresh water because it was new and enlightening. I just felt the same way, and I so appreciate the time you have taken to answer my e-mails and that my e-mail didn’t go to a black hole. And thank you for not banging my head with scripture.
I will really be using the advise you just gave me and yes I “heard” my Lord saying to me the same thing yesterday, that I need to depend on Him alone (by the way I did not end up going to the congregation; I couldn’t; I just went to the beach to be with Him). I finally understood what a journey life is, it amazingly clicked inside of me, and that the journey is to be traveled with Him. I also finally understood the passage where Jesus says for us not to make treasures on Earth but rather in heaven, and I came to the realization that the treasures can be life itself, family, friends, a job, a career, children, parents, boyfriend, pets etc. as beautiful as all this can be, and that the treasures in heaven is Him, at least for now that’s what I understand. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

it is a journey. These things work out in time as we simply live inside the love he has for us and learn to love others around us in the process.

You might also try these podcasts on a similar subject…

High Risk/High Reward of Relational Community

Connecting to People Around Us

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Embrace the Grief, and God In It

20 Comments / Uncategorized / December 22, 2010

Our hearts have been really sad around here the last few days. We lost a dear friend. For 14 years she brought such joy, companionship, and unbridled affection into our lives. Our daughter was a senior in high school when this puppy moved in. She has lived with us in four different homes, and relished the addition of two new grandchildren. She has been a delight and God has taught me much through the simple love and trust of this dog. I totally get how much dogs reflect his glory.

Saying goodbye has not been easy and the hole her passing left in our home is a huge one even though this has been a long time coming. Her health has been fading for some time and before every trip I took this last year, I’ve told her goodbye, not expecting to have her here when I returned. But she somehow kept hanging on. Finally on Sunday she literally could not take another step. Tears well up in my eyes whenever I think of her, which I do a lot. I used to try to run from grief by ignoring its cause. Now days I embraced it as a counterpoint to times of joy. The grief I have at Sierra’s passing is only because she was such a treasured part of our lives for so long. I’ve concluded that grief is good. It is part of saying goodbye and it is incredibly healing. And the love of many of our dear friends who appreciate our loss has been helpful as well.

Yesterday I received an email from a dear friend whose family is going through some grief of their own. He was on staff at a fellowship that over the last four years, at the Lord’s direction, has been dismantling all the structures that defined their life. Recently they sold the building and held their last gathering there over the weekend. He mentioned how sad how children and wife were, that there were so many great memories attached to that location. I get that! It’s wonderful to have so many memories of good times with God’s people. Saying goodbye doesn’t always mean something is wrong, but that it’s time has come to an end, and new possibilities await.

I know it is rough to let go of something or someone we deeply loved or enjoyed, whether it was our choice to lay it down or death ripped it from our hands. We can be sad leaving wonderful things behind, but that doesn’t have to deter us from pressing on to what Father has next for us. People who live to avoid future sorrow miss out on so much of life. Our joys today may well turn into the losses of tomorrow, but those same losses open up space for new things and new relationships to come into our lives.

I remember when our first dog died 21 years go. I swore I’d never get another dog, that the pain of losing her wasn’t worth it. I’ve been through this enough times to know that the joys far outweigh the pain. Not only will we embrace the pain of losing Sierra, but we went to see a litter of golden retrievers last night and picked out a new puppy to grace the Jacobsen home. She’s only four weeks old, so we won’t get her for a couple of weeks, but we’re already preparing to add her to our family.

Life goes on. A new chapter opens, a new pup becomes part of our heritage, and the empty space Sierra left will be filled. The new one won’t replace Sierra, we will still have her memories in our heart, but we are ready to make some new ones, too. If our first dog hadn’t died, we’d never have had Sierra, and I wouldn’t have missed her for the world.

Perhaps the greatest danger to our journey is not the difficult times but the good ones. They invite us to pitch our tent where God only invited us to pass through. Some try so hard to hold on to their past, or are so hurt when things change, that they resist change as a bad thing. Grief is a great thing. It’s part of celebrating a treasure and letting go of it. Then we are able to walk on into the future knowing all not lost and that God still has some wonderful things to share with us as the journey continues.

And for you dog-lovers, someone sent me this clip. It’s a great reminder that God put dogs on the planet to reflect a bit of himself to us!

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And Now You Know…

18 Comments / Uncategorized / July 31, 2010

And now you know why Jenny’s book, Rainbows In My Eyes has been such an encouragement for me at this stage of the journey. Her pain is far different from mine, and in many ways far more brutal, but her poems (and I’m not a poem guy!) have encouraged me to lean in more deeply into the heart of Jesus and know that he is at work in ways I can’t see.

If you missed my blog on that and some samples from her book, you can read it here. The line between tragedy and triumph is not a wide one in the heart of God. I love how he continues to work in our lives no matter what this world throws at us. And Sara and I have found this book makes a great gift to someone going through difficult moments. We gave a copy the other night to some dear friends who are going through a painful season, and have heard back from many of you how much you have been inspired by her words.

If you want to order the book you can do so at Lifestream if you have a U.S. or Canadian address, or if you’re from elsewhere in the world you can order direct from Jenny’s website: JKRowbory.co.uk.

And Now You Know… Read More »

Wandering Around England

16 Comments / Uncategorized / June 29, 2010

It has been a long time since I saw my blog entry page. We’ve been a bit busy. Sara and I arrived in England on Wednesday morning at 7:00, trained into our hotel and got prepped for a business lunch at 12:45. Then we went to see a matinee version of Les Miserables at the Queen’s Theatre in London! As tired as we were from not having had a night’s sleep, the story of redemption—of grace versus law—was deeply touching. We’ve heard lots about it, but had never seen it before.

Then we made our way down to Woking for the weekend and have basked the last four days in the joy of being with brothers and sisters we had not met before who are various places in this journey of breaking free from religious obligation and learning to live loved by the Father. The group in Woking has a marvelous story all their own, from planting a seeker-sensitive congregation nine years ago to dismantling it over the last year and a half and finding their way into a wonderful relational life together. These are people who have known each other for decades, whose children have grown up together and married each other and raising children of their own. We were so enriched by their life together and the things Father is opening up to them.

On Saturday we had another 30 or so people for a wider conversation about what God is doing today to invite people into his reality. We had people there from as far away as Denmark. What an awesome group of people with great questions and insights. Some have paid an incredible price to follow their conscience as God was leading them rather than just fit into the status quo. Two people there had grown up on the same street together more than 40 years ago, live hundreds of miles apart now, had not seen each other for decades and had no idea they were on similar journeys. Can you hear the Spirit knitting the family together?

I had one conversation with the man who had been their pastor through part of the time they were trying to be a more traditional congregation. He had a great answer to those who ask him, “Why don’t you go to church services anymore?”

He said he responds this way, “I have found there are two main reasons people attend religious services, either they really enjoy them or they feel obligated to go. I feel neither at this point in my life.” He said that allows others to stop and think about why they go. If people attend religious services because they enjoy it and it draws them closer to God, or helps them connect with others, then great. If, however, they only go out of obligation then they may get a chance to rethink it. There are many, many ways to experience the joys of church life without attending religious services. It’s just that so many people don’t know that yet.

Then yesterday Sara and I made our way up to Suffolk, in the countryside northeast of England (see picture above). We are with a group of people here who are also sorting out what it means to experience relational community. They moved up here to plant a church some years ago, but God is taking them on a marvelous journey of sorting out what it really means to live inside the life of the Father and to share that life with others. We had a marvelous time sorting through some of the cross last night and in a few minutes we will continue our conversation at a picnic this afternoon by the lake, and at a home later this evening. This is why I travel—to hang out with fellow-travelers who are discovering, often at great personal cost, what it means to live and share the love of the Father.

Then tomorrow it is off to Dorset for a friends and friends of friends gathering similar to what we shared in Ireland a couple of years ago. Many of these people are old friends, others will be new but we are looking forward to the rich fellowship of brothers and sisters relaxing together in the Lord’s love. This is not a conference with lots of meetings and teachings, but time to share wonderful conversations, connect relationally, and celebrate the life of Jesus together.

I am always amazed at the things Jesus invites me to be a part of with him, and this time with Sara too…

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Sara and I Are At the World Cup

10 Comments / Uncategorized / June 19, 2010

No, we’re not sitting in the stands. We’re not even huge soccer (or football) fans. And we’re not even in South Africa at the moment. We are home in California getting ready to leave for England next week.

But St John’s Parish near Cape Town published a magazine called This Life, which they’ve put out throughout the city to spread the Gospel while the country is inundated with tourists for the World Cup. The editor did a two-page spread on our time there last October with quotes from some of our discussions and a brief interview. Yes, that’s us on the bottom right of the cover.

The article is titled, “I’m In Recovery from Religion” and exposes people to some of my books and my passion for people to live in relationship with God. I don’t know that I’ve ever been called “quietly spoken” before, but I like the looks of it in print. Anyway, I thought others, especially our South African friends would like to have a look at it.

The full issue is supposed to be on their website soon if you are interested, or you can download the PDF of our article here.

Sara and I Are At the World Cup Read More »

An Update (And Request) From Kenya

6 Comments / Uncategorized / April 14, 2010

Well, I’m off to the Nashville area with Brad tomorrow. We’re doing a retreat together this weekend for the first time so that should be interesting. Plus we have a number of other personal and business meetings there as well. I’ve also got some new trips planned to Lowville, NY and to Macon, MS over the next few weeks. There are more details on my Travel Page for those interested.

I also heard from our friends in Kenya. This is from Leonard (pictured with me at left) who overseas their work with the orphan children. I thought you’d appreciate his perspective:

Thank you very much for the wonderful moment we had with you and Brother Kent. My brother, you actually encouraged us. We did not expect to see someone with a great love of God like you brother. For being a simple man and flexible, a man with great love. Even before we met you Michael said how he had been changed with your message of loving others and we have seen this in his life. Michael, can forget himself and sometimes his family to give to other people. Any support you have been sending, he has never taken even a single cent if not instructed. But he has been also using his bricks project to help others.
So we appreciate brothers and for God to channel this IGEM Ministry for the needy. We do not have any doubt whatever you have been given has been distributed for what we had planned. We also appreciate for the new car. God has finally answered our prayer and we have not experienced any breakdown of this vehicle. It is very special that can also be owned by Ministers in Kenya. It can move anywhere regardless of the terrain. Our insurance is expiring and we need to renew at considerable cost. We appreciate that God will provide even before the expiring date.
About the children, I am working out with my fellow team and we will send you the information. As we have been making the evaluation, there are lots of problems especially for malaria, typhoid and hunger. If there is a way to help this starving families, My brother do so. We need to buy mosquito net for every family especially this rainy season. Michael have been taking different families to the hospital every week. And Mt. Elgon is far more worse than everywhere else. So your support will highly be appreciated now. May God bless you.

We awed and grateful for the many of you who have contributed to help these dear people and their families in the northwest part of Kenya. If you’d like to help us with the insurance, mosquito nets and food for those families that don’t have it, please see our Sharing With the World page at Lifestream. You can either donate with a credit card there, or you can mail a check to Lifestream Ministries • 1560-1 Newbury Rd #313 • Newbury Park, CA 91320. Or if you prefer, we can take your donation over the phone at (805) 498-7774.

Thank you for keeping these people in your heart and prayers.

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Final Days In the Land of Kenya

10 Comments / Uncategorized / March 2, 2010

Kent and I are at the airport waiting for our departure. What a trip this has been! We’re excited to get home to our families, but we leave some enduring memories and new friendships behind, as well as a piece of our hearts with the people of Kenya and the incredible challenges they face.

From Kitale we went to Butere for a four-day conference with people from the Western Region. We were told later that people from America don’t venture out into these places. You could tell by the faces of the people and the children that two white people were indeed oddities here.

Arriving at the conference site in Butere

Wayne sharing with the people at Butere

Kent didn’t do much sharing, but when he did the people really listened. Seeing a hair-dresser talk so freely about his journey and seeing his ministry as one-on-one with his clients really touched them.

It was an amazing time. The people came in deeply oppressed, expressionless, looking like they’d come to a funeral, or at least another person from America telling them how they were failing. But as Kent and I began to share about Father’s love we watched a miracle take place. Oppressed expressions gave way to skeptical looks, then to hope, and finally to embracing God’s love for them and they began to laugh, ask questions and celebrate a rich heritage they hadn’t realized was theirs.

We often has to stop the meetings because the rain pounding on the tin roof was so loud we couldn’t hear each other. That gave us time to engage people individually.

Answering questions and engaging people’s own journeys with God’s love.

Personal conversations during our rain breaks.

After our time at Butere, were off on the infamous Kenyan roads. What a terrifying adventure with really bad roads, speeding drivers, and the twists and turns to avoid potholes, pedestrians, and other traffic. Really crazy, but we had some superb drivers.

Old Faithful, the red car that took us all over the western region of Kenya. It is old and held together with bailing wire. We even had to stop to pick pieces of it up, and more than once it was parked by the side of the road with the hood up.

Standing on the Rock! Michael from West Pokot, Leonard, Wayne, and Kent at a stop by the side of the road on the way to Bongoma. No, we didn’t put that rock up there. We’re pretty sure God did, somehow!

We spent a few days in Bongoma, first a day-long training in a stone building with people from the region as well as Mt. Elgon where tribal violence was horrendous. Watching them struggle with God’s love and the hope of forgiveness in the midst of atrocity was quite a conversation.

This was actually a building under construction in Chewle, with a dirt floor and stone walls. It felt like first century Palestine. We met 60 orphans here and endured a lightning strike nearby that hit a transformer and exploded it.

Sunday we stayed at Michael Wafula’s compound where 22 orphans are living with his family. They wanted us to stay with them a few days. A number of believers came together for a Sunday gathering that was incredible in the way people were touched. A Moslem woman came in part way through to see what the commotion was about. She was just passing by. As she heard about Father’s love, she turned her heart to God. She told people later that she would never return to Mohammed, now that she found Jesus’ love for her. Then we had a late night discussion about God’s working and how the church in Kenya could reflect the Lord’s glory with greater freedom.

Michael Wafula, our incredible host for these days and a man who is embracing the abandonment of religion to help people really engage the love of the Father. He lives what he talks about and we were enriched by his life and his passion to provide homes for the fatherless and widows all over this region where tribal conflict has left so much devastation.

Monday was our last full day in Kenya. We traveled four hours to Eldoret. I spoke in two different places, a church that was devastated by the tribal violence two years ago and an orphanage in a slum. At the first place many had had friends and spouses die in the violence. They have so many displaced widows and children that they are trying to help find housing, find jobs or skills they can use to provide for themselves, and are supporting each other through the losses in their lives. Many of the people had their homes or business burned or confiscated. One told of people who ran to a church building near where they lived and the mob came, circled the building and threw petrol on it and started it on fire. Anyone who tried to flee was forced back in with machetes, and some children were thrown back in through the windows. Many pastors participated in this violence along with their tribe. The rule of law is thin here. Hundreds of people died within a couple of kilometers of where Kent and I slept last night and a week ago, tensions almost boiled over again.

After the service we visited an orphanage in a slum near here. Again, this was incredibly painful. 100 children whose parents died in the violent clashes and had no family to take them in. The conditions they live in are deplorable with open sewage in the back and mud four inches deep everywhere. The kids sang to us and quoted Scriptures and the staff begged for us to find people who would send money to build them finda a healthy place for these orphans to grow up. Also 25 women infected with HIV, many of them because they were raped during the melee by men who were infected. Some of their husbands had been murdered.

The orphan children at Eldoret singing and sharing with us while standing in the mud. They beamed with smiles and were so excited to see some white people among them. They begged for our help.

One little girl told a poem about not knowing who why her parents brought her into the world and then left here all alone. Who is she? Why is she here? Does anyone care? It was painful to watch. At the end the little girl broke down in tears. Two men standing next to me began to sob as well. One of them, my host on this trip sobbed. He turned to me and told me this same story is repeated all over his country. I was undone. My granddaughters had the good fortune to be borne in the US, and these were born in Kenya. They did nothing wrong to deserve their circumstances, and they certainly don’t need to live in the conditions they live in. But there are hundreds of these all over this part of Kenya. The need is overwhelming. Please pray for God to help them find adequate housing. If you have extra money to send, we can channel resources through Lifestream and put it straight at the need without any administrative expenses. See our How To Help page if God moves you to help. You can find a ‘Donate Now’ button at the bottom of the page. We will be sending additional funds here to help with so many needs.

This has been an amazing trip. The stories we’ve heard and seen of personal transformations as well as people exploring what it is to live loved in a land where people have been taught that suffering proves you haven’t done enough to earn God’s love and he is punishing you. We heard it as the ‘gospel of punishment’, which is really no gospel at all. In the midst of our worst moments is where God makes his love known, not when we’ve earned it. We can never earn it, and the moment we think we have is when we lose sight of mercy and try to live by our own efforts, something we don’t advise. We’ll talk more about Kenya, play some audio clips from here on The God Journey podcast next Friday.

Thanks to all of you who prayed for us and the people here. This was a truly remarkable season in Kent and my own spiritual journey. I’m sure we’ve not yet processed all that God wanted to show us in this. But we both come away with a greater compassion for the people of Kenya and the desperate circumstances that many of these people are in. Please keep praying. There is so much we can do to bless them out of our abundance, if God should lay it on your heart.

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Broken Relationships and Reconciliation

12 Comments / Uncategorized / December 10, 2009

Today is Flyday! At 11:00 tonight I begin my journey home from Brazil and will feel torn again from some new brothers and sisters that I didn’t know I had, and have grown to love in these days together.

I’m going to let Peter from Australia write my blog today. He felt impressed to send some thoughts to me about reconciliation and gave me permission to pass them on if I wanted. This post comes from the depth of someone’s pain, experience, and healing which is why it rings with such simplicity and truth.

There is so much that I love in this post and so much that I am committed to stay true to in my own heart even in the most painful of broken relationships. I have use bold time to highlight portions I think are particularly significant. Here’s what Peter wrote me:

Some recent podcast references, have stimulated some thoughts on the “broken relationships” issue. From our pre-faith days, we can truly say it was easier to make peace with worldly folk than with the religious ones! Our coming to terms with broken relationships is a work in progress, but thus far, our thinking is as follows.
Reconciliation requires (at least) two key ingredients from each party; (a) a willingness to talk (ie being prepared to take a seat at the “table of reconciliation”), and (b), a preparedness to be wrong (not manipulative capitulation, not an abdication of truth; just a humble openness).
As “young Christians” (boy, how I hate that demeaning term), we were unschooled in the ways of religion. We soon found ourselves on the wrong side of pastors, elders, and all manner of “church-folk”. We earnestly sought truth and reconciliation but were shunned in every instance. How sad that it took religion to “teach” us what shunning is. Even through our son’s battle with cancer (and his death in 2007), the “shunners” never flinched; never deviated from their “God ordained” mission to shun us into their ways. But even that was ultimately a blessing; we were “forced” into a reliance on God Himself rather than on his self appointed “representatives”.
In our isolation we sought God, and in that place developed a lasting resolve; it is to always be prepared to take our seat at the table of reconciliation, to be prepared to be wrong, to resist the temptation of taking responsibility for the decisions others make, and above all, to place the love of truth above the need to be right. It is a real test of self to discern whether we really are lovers of truth, or just lovers of the “truth” we already have, and need.
There is sadness still in that hollow place of unresolved conflict, but there can be peace also. There is peace that comes from trusting God, from keeping our eyes focused where they belong, and from not gathering up responsibilities that are not rightfully ours. We cannot sit alone at that table of reconciliation forever; but we can forever maintain our preparedness to do so. If we retain that preparedness (to be willing, humble, lovers of truth), we remain in God; for that, and only that, we are accountable. God is the “light” over the “table of reconciliation”; the table is always there, the light always on. To be drawn to the light is to be drawn to Him; it is so sad that some, who we once saw as brothers and sisters, prefer to avoid the light. But this, in itself, is illuminating isn’t it?
We have only once had the glorious experience of patience rewarded; of sitting at the table of reconciliation with a sister. She came years after the event, and at Father’s prompting. The three of us sat, in the company of God, each accepting responsibility for our actions; but without need to apportion blame. Reconciliation came. It was not followed by restoration of relationship, but nevertheless, we savour that beautiful gift as it was.

As I read this it reminded me of 2 Corinthians 5 and God’s heart for reconciliation even through the worst of our sins and failures and with no thought for his own life. Reconciliation is a painful hope. When someone attacks us and refuses to sit down at the table of reconciliation, it is easier to cut ourselves off than risk the pain of the broken relationship. It is easier to reject people who hurt us and hide behind a wall of our defense mechanisms that promises protection. But what may seem like a safe place in our flesh is only another dark hole that devours who God really made us to be. Interestingly enough many of our ‘friends’ think they help us by fortifying our own defenses and embellishing our own lies.

I truly understand why true love seeks reconciliation and am so blessed that God demonstrated that heart for all who have broken faith with him. I am so grateful he paid so awesome a price to keep the door open for us. Can we do anything less than keep the door of our heart open regardless of what others do to us? I like in this post that we don’t control the process of reconciliation, but we can keep the lights on on our side of it.

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Salaries, Ministry and God’s Provision

20 Comments / Uncategorized / November 20, 2009

What a journey, what a discovery! I know others have the same question, I got this morning in my email, so I’ll let you read over my shoulder as I answered him:

I have once again been inspired by its (So You Don’t Want to Go to Church Anymore) contents and spirit. i am a pastor but feel just as you obviously did when you stepped into a real expression of living the life, and would love to do the same sort of thing as i see the future along this path. So my question is: how do you make the necessary money to live?

Here’s what I wrote back:

Honestly, I think the need to “make the necessary money to live” is one of the first false responsibilities God liberates us from in this journey. So much of church life has been shaped by someone’s need to make an income or meet a budget. Looking back, I know there were many times as a pastor when I didn’t follow what Jesus wanted because I couldn’t figure out how my salary would get pad or how the “church” budget would be met. Institutions have to put such things first and money easily becomes the overriding source of survival.

Watchman Nee wrote some like, if a man is not willing to trust God for his finances, God will not entrust that man with his people. I didn’t like that when I first read it. It scared me. Now, 15 years of watching God provide for me without a fixed salary or income stream and sometimes in very bizarre ways, I look back knowing how real that is. I think two things have to be separated. What is God asking me to do? And, how does he want to resource me?” Surprisingly those are not the same question and they weren’t for Paul the apostle either. He saw no conflict between sharing the kingdom with people and making tents while he did it.

Growing up in ol’ the Puritan work ethic, those those things have always been one in the same for me. Now they aren’t. Now I see the work God has prepared for me in the world and him providing for me as two unconnected realities. And I don’t measure the value of the work he has asked of me by how much income in generates. Often the most significant things he has asked me to be a part of have generated no income at all. Over the last 15 years he has provided for me in incredible ways—through writing royalties, through speaking honorarium, through the generous gifts of some dear friends who wanted to see my life available to others, through painting a friends’ house, through the education consulting work, and through some really weird miraculous events that were completely unexpected and never again repeated.

God has a million ways to provide for his people. But I know that comes in the reality of God winning our trust, not people acting in independence hoping God will drop money in their lap in some magical way. I do know many people who have tried to “live by faith” by just pursuing their ministry or creative passions and have ended up financially ruined. This isn’t that. This freedom to live in his provision grows over time and the opportunity God gives us to help others on this journey. It is an organic reality won in our relationship with him, not an act of hoping God will take care of us.

I’ve seen many, many brothers go down this road and God has provided for them in so many diverse ways. Working for a salary that is tied to “our ministry” is one of the most restrictive environments in which we put ourselves. Our loyalties get divided. It is difficult to hear him when we’re always focused on how what it means for us financially. And trying to make ministry pay for itself often leads to twisted ways we distort the Gospel, manipulate others, and create dependency on our ministries that only belongs to the Father of all. When one is set free from that you can’t believe the clarity of insight and the simplicity of his leading that follows.

But I know the journey to that reality is not easy. I pray you have the grace and courage to follow him as his purpose unfolds in your life. It just may be that God wants your life and gifts available full-time to help equip others in this journey, and if so he will provide for that in some wonderful ways. That will usually come when the opportunities fill your time, rather than raising support so that you can fill your time with ministry. Ministry grows organically and I find when people are needed full time to help others, they already have a resource to help them do it, even if that is the generosity of friends who see what God’s doing in your life and they want to help give it away to others. If not, just remember that the value of your gift isn’t measured by whether or not you get to do it full time.

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