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Sharing about the cross the Father Heart Conference in Germany

No I’m not being crucified, at least not in this photo. This was a wonderful time sharing about the cross with the Father Heart Conference in Hannover. It was one of many wonderful and incredible moments hanging out with brothers and sisters in Germany. I can’t believe I spent two weeks in Germany and did not have time for one blog update from there. I’m so, so sorry. It was a whirlwind trip, to be sure, one that pushed me to the limits of exhaustion at one point. But I wouldn’t have traded the times I had with so many diverse groups and people from throughout Germany.

I began in Nuremburg, spending a few days there and then the first weekend at a retreat in Bavaria. From there I went to the area around Stuttgart for the week. Then on Thursday I took a train up to Hannover where I spoke at the Father Heart Conference. The final weekend I was near Hannover at another retreat of free-rangers exploring life in Jesus beyond our religious institutions.

What a fascinating trip! I met people all over the spectrum of this journey, from people deeply involved in and committed to church life lived out in corporate settings, some with 500 year old chalices that the saints have used to celebrate the Lord’s Supper through good times and bad, to those who no longer connect there and are wondering what’s next. The common thread was this—people have a growing hunger to truly engage a relationship with God, not just talk about one. Almost in every locale I was asked about the cross and how God had begun to reshape my thinking there fifteen years ago with some brothers and sisters in Australia.

I talk more about this trip in our recent podcast at The God Journey, but it refreshed me in the knowledge that the most important questions to be answered are not about “church” structures or “church” meetings, but have to do with knowing God as Father and learning to live in his love. If we don’t do that, no matter what we do for “church”, it will become a substitute for our not knowing him. Once we begin to connect with him in a real way, then we can follow him as he leads us into connections he wants to give us with others, in whatever setting best serves his work in us and the world.

Truly there are people all over the world who have a growing hunger for an intimate relationship with God that transforms their lives. As many of you know, I rarely do “lecture” presentations from the front of a room, but enjoy engaging conversations, whether it be two or three of us over a meal or 700 people in an auditorium, though that conversation is a bit more stilted. I loved hear the stories of how God has been stirring the hearts of his people to not settle for religious rituals, but to find their way into a real relationship with him. I love the questions people are asking that deal with real issues of the heart and the confusions brought on by much of their religious training.

At each locale we had an extended time to process a nonappeasement view of what God accomplished at the cross. So many Christians believe that Jesus died to satisfy the anger of his Father, instead of to resolve the sin and shame that kept us estranged from him. Viewing the cross as appeasement presents God as an abusive Father, who lures us into his kingdom under the threat of death and destruction. Instead, he is our Abba who invites us into his house to rescue us from all the ways that sin and shame seek to destroy us. There’s nothing I enjoy talking about more. I even did it in Hannover with a huge cross in the front of the building (see above) that helped people have an image of what was going on in Jesus during those incredible hours. (If you’ve never heard this view of the cross, which I believe to be the primary view of Paul, the apostle, you can listen to it here, and it’s free!)

I hope it was a blessing to those I was with. I can think of so many individual stories of dear, dear people finding their way into freedom and resonating so deeply with some of the things I’d written and some of the things we shared. I am deeply grateful to all those who made my trip so wonderful. I’m thankful to be home now for a delightful Thanksgiving celebration with my family and friends. I hope you have some warm and wonderful days this week with those you love as well.

I’m off to Germany to share God’s life and love there. Three of my books have been translated into German, He Loves Me as Loved, So You Don’t Want to Go to Church Anymore as The Call of the Wild Goose, and Authentic Relationships as Authentic Relationships. I’m glad they kept one of my titles! And, in the last few years I have gotten a lot of email from Germany from people who are excited about living more relationally in the life of Jesus. I’m looking forward to meeting many of them and hanging out discovering what Father has been doing among them to teach them how to live in his love.

I often hear people refer to what I write and teach as the Grace Message or the Love Message. I know people often need a simple tag to put on things, but a part of me cringes whenever I hear the sum of my life being reduced to a message. I have to choke down those internal screams that want me to to pound that table and shout, “It’s not a message, it’s a way to live!” The joy of this journey comes not in convincing ourselves that God loves us but in actually learning to live as one of his beloved children in the earth!

I have the same reaction when anyone refers to marriage as an institution. My marriage is not an institution. It’s a relationship of growing love and respect that yields the incredible fruits of deep joy, hilarious laughter, insightful conversations, and a consistent friend and partner through the joys and trials of living in this age. This relationship has been hard won and grace-filled over 35 years of learning to care for her more than I care about myself. (I’m still learning that one!) She is the greatest joy I have in this age.

That’s why when people talk about what I share as the the Grace Message, I want to pull my hair out. If this was only a message, how empty would it be? Jesus has not invited me to teach a doctrine about God’s love or his grace. He has asked me to help people experience the reality of a growing relationship with him deeply centered in his Father’s affection for us. That is not just an intellectual proposition; it is a revelation that allows us to know him in increasing reality.

And as you grow to know him, you’ll realize that he is not a “warm fuzzy” grandpa in the sky. He is the transcendent, holy, all-powerful God of the universe who has offered to be my Abba, the most affectionate term that a first century toddler would call his or her dad. Yes, his affection is outrageous. But that affection also seeks to win me into increasing arenas of light so that I can be transformed by truth, not just coddled in my deceptions, lies, and broken coping mechanisms. That’s why I rarely use the term “unconditional love”, not because I think God’s love has conditions, but because the reference is so static. God’s affection is transformational, allowing me to know him and also changing me at the core of my being.

The invitation to live loved is not to buy into a new doctrine but to embrace a new way of living. I can increasingly live inside the Father’s affection instead of all the fears, anxieties and ambitions of my flesh. It is both joy and freedom of the highest order. And so can you! It is not something you turn on or off in a moment; it is a lifetime journey of being shaped a bit more every day as you learn to live at home in him. Go, live loved! Ask him to help you because this is way above what any of us can produce on our own.

By the way, the picture above is courtesy of some dear friends of mine whom I saw recently in Minnesota. They gave me a Living Loved graphic for my wall that Sara and I love. I asked them if others could get one if they wanted it and they told they could. You can get just a graphic for your wall, or you can order one on a tile like the one above. If you’re interested in having something like this in your home, or giving it as a gift, you can visit their website for more information.

The aftermath of tribal violence: Widows caring for orphans in the slums of Eldoret

I received a touching letter the other day from my friends in Kenya, updating me on God’s work there since Kent Burgess and I visited last February. I will reprint excerpts from it below. I appreciate so much what God has stirred in their hearts and that it continues to bear fruit by drawing hearts to Jesus.

At the same time we continue to help with many physical needs there. Just last week the mom of one of the men, who drove us around Kenya, died in a hospital. They would not release the body until the $1400.00 hospital bill was paid. No one could afford that amount, so we sent it. Without your generosity for the brothers and sisters there, we would not be able to help them in the way we have. We’ve been blessed to be a conduit over the past three years to get tens of thousands of dollars on the ground in Kenya to help relieve the suffering of widows, orphans, and homeless people.

So, though I am the focus of their gratitude because it has come through me, I know that a lot of this appreciation goes to countless people who read this blog and listen to The God Journey. Thank you for making a difference in this corner of the world. Please know that these needs are ongoing. We will continue to send money out of our abundance to help alleviate the suffering and provide for those who have nothing to eat, or no way to begin a small business that can provide for their needs.

If you would like to be part of this to support these brothers and sisters and see the Gospel grow in this part of Africa, please see our Sharing With the World page at Lifestream. You can either donate with a credit card there, or you can mail a check to Lifestream Ministries • 1560-1 Newbury Rd #313 • Newbury Park, CA 91320. Or if you prefer, we can take your donation over the phone at (805) 498-7774.

But please enjoy this letter and know you all have my heartfelt thanks for the prayers and contributions many of you have made to help touch the lives of these dear people in Kenya:

Living loved and loving others is only the answer which gives us to know the image of Christ, and the Bible says in John 3:16 God loved the world so much and he sent his begotten son that whoever believes in him shall not perish but will have eternal life. In verse 17, says God did not send his son to judge the world but the world to be saved through him. I thank God through his servant who has really touched our lives, Bro. Wayne Jacobsen for his books, Authentic Relationships and He Loves Me which have truly encouraged us.

A powerful force—the God who wants us to be loved! God is changing the lives of many brothers’ and sisters’ life’s and transitioning us not to have religion but instead to have relationship. One of the great changes that has occurred in us was to separate the African pastor from religion, organization and institutions. I can start with myself. But right now I thank God that the stronghold of religion has been now broken down, and I am free to love, to care and to serve. And a hundred other brothers have now responded and God has transformed their lives. We have come to realize and repent for requesting you to be our mentor or spiritual cover, when we have Jesus already as our mentor, friend and our cover, we have come also to repent our titles of Bishop, Apostle, Pastor, Prophet or any other title rather than to live and accept our brothers and sisters and care the way Jesus cared for us. I repent for being a director of people without seeing Jesus Christ as the director of the whole church universal and the overseer of our souls.

God connected us with Wayne for the purpose of my spiritual transition so that I may be instrument to help others, I have come now to know that the love of God will guide us. I love this God. We understood him in wrong doctrine that God is angry with us wherever we mess up and that he is holding a very big sword ready to kill and punish us. Many have said that famine, poverty, disaster, and all kind of calamities are the sword the of God’s punishment upon us. Even African pastors still believe that HIV/AIDS is the plague of God. So we repent to think that God is angry with us. We repent that the missionary who came in Africa taught us how to obey title, leaders, and structures and also taught us that God can be only be found in building institutions.

So we are not praising or honouring brother Jacobsen but we thank God who used him to help us become instruments of God. Everybody wanted Brother Jacobsen to come back again next year, but he told us that we don’t need Jacobsen or Lifestream. We just need Jesus Christ and have the fellowship with him so that we may live loved and love others too. Wayne, you may or may not come but what you left here for your trip in Kenya, I can agree with you that surely we don’t need you, but we need Jesus who will help us to live loved and to love others.

I can remember while Jesus was on the earth he loved the people, he associated with the sinners but he hatred the sin, he did those who are hunger, and clothed those who are naked he touched many lives. This same ministry the African church has seen in you. You stepped into the post election violence and in every port you rescued the lives of those who were in refugee camps, provided for the unschooled children, helped the homeless, and stood with the widows and orphans. Micro-finances are being given out to help people be self-reliant. This is not a denomination that you have started here Lifestream Ministry or because you partner with IGEM, but you and the brethren over there have helped us as an African Church to realize that your image of the church is true.

We’re finding out now more about helping find some land and a facility outside of the slum for the dear women and children pictured above. You can’t believe the conditions they live in. An open sewage drain runs through the play area. They have almost nothing to live on. They’ve been praying God would provide them a home. We’re praying about helping them relocate. This will cost a significant amount. If you’re interested in helping us do that, please write Sara from our contact page and let her know. We’ll put out details when we get them if we think we have enough people who want to help. Thanks.

As I’ve thought about my previous post over the last couple of days, I have come to conclude that the opposite problem also exists, perhaps more frequently than the first.

This is the child who grows up genuinely loved by her father. He takes great delight in her and treats her with great affection. But as she grows she begins to ask things of him that he knows will only hurt her. When he expresses his concerns and his regret over not being able to give in to her, she grows increasingly frustrated. Soon she is even questioning whether he even loves her anymore, or ever did.

As that plays on her mind she begins to see his every act of affection through her jaded eyes and concludes he only acts like he loves her to get what he wants. Now his acts of affection are dismissed as tools of manipulation. Her disappointment grows and eventually gives way to anger. Now she no longer asks, she demands. And when she doesn’t get her way, she pouts.

What she wants has now become more important than the relationship and she begins to unravel it by blaming him for the problem. She’s fine. In her mind, her desires have become “needs” and his refusal to help her only proves what an uncaring person he has become. She ends up saying horrendous things to him and about him to her friends, all to justify her own bitterness and anger.

The father knows better. Her words sting, but he knows they aren’t true. Even in the face of her anger and manipulation he responds with sorrow not anger. He knows she is sliding into the dark space of her own selfishness where lies will rule the day and he is now powerless against her false accusations. No mater what he does, she will only belittle him and dismiss his attempts to affirm is love to her. There is no greater bondage than believing your own lies to be the truth. Even Jesus warned us that when our “light” is really darkness, there is no greater darkness!

Eventually another comes along who promises to meet all her “needs”, and do for her what her father has refused to do. Of course he only does it to get what he wants from her, but she thinks she has found true love. At the beginning she gets what she wants and turns her back on the dad who loves her to follow the boyfriend who only wants to use her.

Of course, over time his motives become evident as he becomes more demanding of her. He pampers her less and abuses her more. He was just exploiting her needs to fulfill his wants and as that reality sinks in she slides into despair. The freedom she thought he offered, only turns out to be a prison of her own making.

What can she do now? She’s too scared to leave him and in her mind has no where else to go. She knows now that she’s made the poorest of choices, but has she burned so many bridges that she has no choice now but to keep on her course no matter how painful? In her honest moments, however, her heart longs for home. She’s too embarrassed and scared to face the father she rejected so brutally.

She’s sure her father hates her now, but she doesn’t know she’s only projecting her emotion on him. This is actually the moment, if she takes the risk, that she can discover how amazing true love really is,

What she doesn’t know yet is that her father still longingly looks out of his window every day hoping against hope that this will be the day she comes home. His heart was broken by her choices, but they made him neither angry with her nor ashamed of her. He only wants her to come home. The moment he sees her coming down the road, he’ll burst through the front door with great joy and rush to her side, welcoming her back inside the affection he had only grown in her absence.

Here’s the truth: You can always go back to the place where you were truly loved and find yourself smack dab in the middle of the affection you may have spurned before. True love always prevails over failure.

I read Psalm 78 this morning, and that is its theme. Regardless of how faithless Israel was, God was ready to draw them into his love whenever they made the slightest turn toward him—and even at times when they didn’t!

I’m getting an increasing number of emails asking whether or not Brad and I are engaged in a lawsuit with Paul Young over the collaboration we experienced in putting THE SHACK together and making it available to the world. Regretfully, we are though not by our choice. The great sadness I’ve been sucked into through this is the unfortunate and unexpected result of simply helping a friend. For those who love the message of this book I’m sure this comes as a huge disappointment, as it has with us.

I have been in this process for some time, and I’ve had some dear friends and older brothers and sisters who have been carrying this with Sara and me in prayer and counsel. I haven’t known how to talk about it publicly and won’t in great detail because it involves people I love in a process that makes no room for love or grace. But as much as we celebrated the joy of our friendship and what it produced, it is fair for people to know there is another side to the story and remind ourselves that not all things bright and beautiful endure in a broken world.

Our current conflict with Paul is a tragic chapter in the collaboration that produced such a wonderful book about God’s love, forgiveness, and passion for relationship. I’ve always seen that story as a gift God gave and bigger than any of us who were part of it. Paul, Brad and I began this journey as well-intentioned individuals working on a story together at Paul’s insistence. Our time of collaboration in writing, publishing and distributing this book over three years was one of the most joy-filled and spiritually enriching seasons of my life. Unfortunately, a collaboration works only as long as each one in it puts the relationship first.

About eighteen months ago, for reasons that are still unclear to me, Paul cut off all personal communication with Brad and I and stopped participating in our collaboration. Over the next year his new management team began to make an increasing set of demands and accusations. We have made numerous attempts to discuss this with Paul and failing that have offered to have others mediate this conflict (both mutual friends and professional mediators), to address any way he didn’t feel fairly treated, and to deal with whatever personal issues compromised our friendship. Every attempt has been refused without comment.

Nine months ago we were served with a lawsuit. The decision to resolve our differences legally is Paul’s alone and I have been forced into an environment that violates everything I love about relationships and all that Scripture asks believers to do to deal with our differences. I did everything I knew to do to avoid litigation, but in the end I have to respond to Paul’s charges in that venue to protect the commitments we have with others, based on his assurances to us.

Nothing in my lifetime has brought greater confusion or grief to myself and my family and I continue to pray and hope for the opportunity to resolve this in the same spirit of friendship and brotherhood that began this journey. We are encouraging fellow believers to take the Lord’s side in this conflict. He is not for us or against our brother Paul, He is for a resolution steeped in the very things we wrote about together—love, grace, truth, forgiveness, and laying down our lives for each other. I’m sure Jesus yearns for a full reconciliation, but lacking that, would at least appreciate a gracious resolution and peaceful parting.

Someone sent me this quote this morning. I don’t know the man who said it, but I pray his words come to pass for all of us:

“Every friendship travels at sometime through the black valley of despair. This tests every aspect of your affection. You lose the attraction and the magic. Your sense of each other darkens and your presence is sore. If you can come through this time, it can purify with your love, and falsity and need will fall away. It will bring you onto new ground where affection can grow again.” — John O’Donohue

Our current circumstance is the middle of a painful chapter and not the end of God’s story of love and redemption.

There’s a wonderful discussion going on the Lifestream Journeys list about finding fellowship with others. I thought others of you might enjoy it as well. The question was first asked by Nancy:

I’m wondering what any of you might say about the concept of “fellowship”. People in (my old fellowship) ask me about that often, as in “are you getting any?” Obviously the wording makes me smile. But what I’m wondering is this: I’ve asked Father about it numerous times, asked him to please put people in my life for connection/fellowship etc.

So far in the past couple years I haven’t noticed any big change. ??There are lots of people in my life. I do not live in a cave—my family near and extended, my work colleagues, my various friends—but I would not say that any of these is truly “like-minded”. Of course what I’d like is a group with whom I can identify and agree together and pat each other on the back. Like (my old fellowship had). That is pretty comfortable. ??
But where Father has me at this point is precisely not there. I am depending on him for most of my warm fuzzies. I keep telling Him I really want somebody/ies with skin on, and it just ain’t happenin’. Which must be ok. I am wanting to be content with whatever he gives, yet often feel guilty because I am not content. ?

Sophie from Indiana, another lady on the list responded with a wonderful story of what God is doing in her and her family:

I have walked through the valley you’re in, and can understand where you’re coming from. I waited and waited for “like-minded” people too. And I can’t say exactly how long it took, but through that time of “just Jesus and me” I began to see God (or the image of God) in everyone, including those who’re not “like minded,” or even knew Him at all.

I began by accepting the people in my life as “the fellowship” that God has provided for me. It’s funny how Jesus has answered my heart’s desire to be more like Him. I thought in order to achieve this goal, I needed to be around people who are more like Him (in my own judgment, of course), but instead He brought me to be with people who weren’t at all what I had in mind and taught me to see them as He does. Obviously, I’m not all the way like Jesus, but certainly I now can relate to other people more like Jesus does. I’d always wondered how He is “a friend of all,” and now I know, or have a better idea than I did before. I now can be comfortable and “fellowship” with anyone.

And just when I finally got to the point where I could say, “OK, I don’t need to be with people who see spiritual things like I do” God started bringing “like-minded” people into my life. I enjoy time with “like-minded” people, but I no longer have a dependency on them like I used to when I was in the IC. I now see this whole concept of needing to be with people of like mind as another one of those IC concepts I needed to be freed from. And I think this freedom was what God had in mind for me when He took me into that lonely valley.

The great fear people have in religious settings is that people will prefer isolation to fellowship. They think people have to be obligated to their responsibility to be part of the community of believers, otherwise it is so boring that folks won’t participate. But I find everyone who knows God as Father has a deep desire to connect with other brothers and sisters. Real community is not an obligation it is irresistible. The key is letting God bring that about in his time, and not just looking for “like-minded” people.

Yes, he knows how important it is for us to have others with whom we can share our journeys, and there are many ways to do that. An important thread in some of this discussion is to let God control that as we just remain open and responsive to him. Guilt about not finding it yet, doesn’t help. Keep your hunger before God, love those he has put around you and see how he will bring people into your life. Yes, there are things we can do to connect on-line, and with others locally that might share our passion for a relationally journey. But if that isn’t happening at the moment, enjoy the people he has placed in your life. You never know what might come from it.

And as if to illustrate the point further, I got this email this morning from Karen in Minnesota about some recent goings on in this arena for her and her husband:

We celebrated or 25th anniversary on a cruise to Alaska last week! Not bad for having been unemployed for almost a year, huh!? We heard of a last minute deal on Wednesday and drove the next morning to Seattle to catch the ship! On the cruise we made two life-long couple friends. One is a couple who love the Lord and we shared amazing free fellowship. They are Catholic. Again, years ago that would have been a deal breaker. We connected so much with them they invited us to share their motel room when we got back to Seattle and we did! We all went to Mt Rainer together and to the Seattle market. None of us wanted to say goodbye. The other couple has a passion for life and photography and each other. We love them for who they are and have no agenda for them. How liberating! They are Jewish.

We have become great friends with our tattooed, pierced, living-together neighbors (at home, too). Not too many years ago we would have been too judgmental for that to ever happen. We have found such joy and freedom in recognizing how loved we are and allowing that same freedom to others. As an aside, this couple has recently come to love Jesus with a refreshing passion so now we share Him too.

When God gets to be in control of our relationships, and we grow increasingly secure in his love for us, some amazing things can happen way beyond our expectations.

I made it back from Mississippi, limping a bit from a water skiing accident and a pulled hamstring. Oh well! Youth must be served.

One of the things I appreciated about my time in Mississippi is how people open up when they find a safe place where they know they are loved, have the freedom to be where they are on the journey that day, and aren’t manipulated into agreeing with other people’s perception of truth. They can notice what they need to notice, question what they need to question and struggle where they are struggling. That’s where real learning, real growth and real transformation happen.

That doesn’t happen immediately, especially when someone like me comes to town. It takes a bit of time to dismantle the “author pedestal” and help people find freedom from the need to posture, impress, or simply not look foolish when talking to me. But when they finally feel relaxed enough to drop their guard, real community can happen.

I would that all of us could find such friendships, or at least offer it to others from their own life. It reminds me of the description of a safe place in Bo’s Cafe. If you haven’t read this story yet, you might want to check it out.

“I’m not sure.” I shake my head back and forth while crossing my arms. “I don’t get you guys. You talk about this being a ‘safe place,’ but neither of you two seem very safe at the moment.”

Carlos put his fork down and pats his hands on his knees, like he’s realizing the need to change his approach.

“I guess that depends on what you mean by safe, huh?” he says. “See man, if safe is just nice and sweet, where everybody’s smiling at you and nobody’s ever dealing with nothing, that’s not safe. That’s a retirement home. I like nice. Even Hank likes nice. Push come to shove, nice wins. But nice ain’t enough for safe. A safe place isn’t a soft place.

Safe is a place where you can get out the worst about you and they don’t run you off, talk you down or head for the hills. It’s having someone to stand with when you start to face the shameful stuff, man. It’s where you can be a jerk and still have a place at the table the next day…where you don’t have to hide or fake or pretend or bluff. Safe is being loved more for revealing your crap, not less.

Thirty-five years ago to today I stood at the end of an aisle and awaited my lover’s approach in her long, white gown. We had dated over three years, graduated from college together six days before, and now stood on the dock of the greatest adventure of our young lives.

What is so amazing to me is that our love as only grown deeper over the years even as we have changed so much. I am not the same young man she fell in love with and she is not the young woman I fell for. We have both changed greatly over the years and not in ways either of us expected. Our continued joy has not been trying to stay compatible, but in fighting hard to find the “us” at every stage of our journey.

I’ve learned this over the past 35 years. Joy does not come from getting all that I want, nor is it giving Sara everything that she wants. The fullest joy has come in finding those things we can say yes to together. Wherever we could find that place where we could both participate wholeheartedly we found great joy.

That doesn’t mean we both don’t have things the other does not enjoy. Sara thinks golf is a stupid game, and I don’t enjoy the gardening that brings such peace and refreshing to Sara. So we have our times of doing things the other doesn’t have to participate in. But the bulk of our friendship is found where we share wholeheartedly our life together—the decisions that fit us both, the moments that express what is inside each of us, the friendships we enjoy together, and the spiritual journey that has drawn us closer to the Father’s heart.

Through awesome joy and bitter pain we’ve somehow found a way to get on the same page together. That hasn’t always been true in our journey. At many points we couldn’t see eye-to-eye and struggled with what was happening in the other. That’s been quite a process since we both are flawed humans, making our share of mistakes, at times taking the other for granted, and sometimes just wanting things our way.

But we’ve never settled for a disjointed friendship kept looking ways for our hearts to be joined together anew and find those things that would express both of us. That has not been easy, but we always put our growing friendship above any thing else we might have wanted for ourselves and the fruits of that has been its own reward. And our trust for each other has grown through it all because neither of us ever betrayed the other’s trust.

Right now we not only seem to be on the same page, but even in the same sentence. I don’t think we’ve arrived, and I’ve no doubt that time and circumstance will yet challenge us, but we are wholeheartedly committed to sharing this journey together, no matter what.

So we wake up to our 35th anniversary this morning ever more in love. And by love I don’t mean the starry-eyed romance of fiction, but the deep-seated friendship that does the hard work of caring, serving, changing, working together, being true, and all the while cherishing the other. I stand amazed at all we have shared together, and grateful that we have each stayed faithful to the promises we made to each while standing on that metaphorical dock a long time ago. We do see all of this as an act of God’s grace working in our hearts and lives and find great contentment in the settled love we share together.

Sara, thank you for 35 awesome years. Thanks for going on this journey with me and being a partner on it, helping shape the realities that have formed our life together. I love you, Sweetheart, only and always!

The fullest fruit of it I enjoy now is in the unbridled joy of my wife. She has always been fun to be around, but through our early years she was quite reserved. But as God has shaped her, she embraces life with a greater joy and it spills out at times in spontaneous laughter that rings with freedom and joy. Hearing that laugh is among my favorite sounds today.

We’d wish the same for every couple we know. A life of love and true friendship is a great reward! And if you’re not enjoying it now, there’s no time like the present to start on a different journey together, where you fight for your friendship more than anything else.

To follow up on my last post appeals to the law, I wanted to include Paul’s appeal to love.

If you’ve gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care— then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don’t push your way to the front; don’t sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don’t be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand.

Philippians 2:1-4 – The Message

The biggest disappointments I’ve had on this journey are the brothers in Christ I got separated from in various conflicts and disagreements, especially those with whom I’ve shared some season of sharing the Father’s gifts together. Love is easy when everyone sees things the same way, but isn’t it really tested when we don’t? If it’s love it endures the pain and seeks a course that serves each other’s interests. Scripture records many moments in the life of the early church where disputes and violent disagreements pitted brother against brother and the outcome wasn’t always glorious, so I’m not surprised when it happens.

Nothing is more painful than a close relationship that goes awry, especially when a former friend thinks they have more to gain by turning on you than honoring the friendship. Even David felt it’s pain as he showed us in Psalm 55: “If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; if a foe were raising himself against me, I could hide from him. But it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship as we walked with the throng at the house of God.”

Love isn’t easy over the long haul, which makes me appreciate my relationship with Sara over 35 years all the more! We have found a way through ever disagreement, every struggle and every hurt to continue to forge an enduring relationship that means the world to both of us. We have found our way to ‘us’, mostly by following Paul’s counsel above. Notice it doesn’t take much of any of those things Paul lists there: “If you’ve gotten anything at all out of following Christ…, if his love has made any difference…, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything…, if you have a heart…”

From the smallest bits of love and grace any friendship can be restored. But both parties have to take that risk. I got an email recently asking how much do we have to do to make reconciliation happen, especially from those who had made harsh judgments against them. I told her there isn’t much anyone can do until the other party wants reconciliation. Forgiveness is one-sided, reconciliation takes two soft and willing hearts. I told her all she can do is keep her heart ready to respond in love when they open a door.

I guess I have a hard time with those who toss aside friendships so casually, or trade it away for more temporal objectives. Real open and honest friendships are some of the greatest treasure we get in this age. I guess I won’t every understand those who chose betrayal and division over healing and reconciliation.

These two words, “living loved” have come to express the passion of my heart and the sum of how I hope my life encourages people through writing, podcasts or in conversations. For me, living loved is not a mantra or a theology to espouse. At it’s simplest and most powerful, it is a reality to live in.

And I love how much God is sharing that with the world today. There are many voices talking about the love and grace of our Father and how the coming of Jesus changed everything about how we get to live in him. I love that no singular human is leading this parade and that many brothers and sisters are coming to discover it together.

What does frustrate me most, however, is knowing that some who can write or speak in eloquent terms about Father’s love, even moving crowds to tears, do not reflect that love in how they treat others. Living in the freedom of Father’s love shows up in your relationships—and not just those who benefit you, but those you consider the least or the last, or even those you presume to be your enemies. I am convinced that the depth of our character is most demonstrated by how we treat those who disagree with us when we’re most sure that we are right. Do we treat them gently, give them the opportunity to engage, and offer them the same grace we talk about with others? As Jesus said, it is wholly inconsistent for those who have received great love and forgiveness to grab anyone else by the throat and demand their satisfaction.

What I love about living loved as opposed to just talking about it, is that it is transformational. Those who are well-loved, love others well in good times and bad always valuing the relationship above their own perspective. This is not something you can learn by principle, but by embracing God’s affection at the deepest place in your soul. Until you know you are loved you will be sucked into every religious activity and performance treadmill that exists, hoping against hope that you can do the right thing to merit that deep affection from the heart of the Father.

But you already have his affection! The great lie of the universe is that you are not loved by the Creator of all. The question is only do you realize how loved you are? If not, that’s where the journey begins. He wants to teach you that and in the process untwist in you what has distorted his love or has blinded you to it.

I’m off this week to upstate NY to spend a weekend with some dear friends and to share about living loved. But this week we’re going to add something that has been growing in my heart over the last year and that is not just to spend time helping people learn to live loved, but also to spend some time equipping people who are already learning to live loved, to help others learn as well.

I am meeting more people on this journey who are living loved who also have a heart to help others. But if they are not writers or speakers, how do that do that? Since many have thrown out all the conventions often associated with organized religion, they are unsure how their passion to equip others applies outside the box. We’re going to spend part of Friday talking with some people who want to have that conversation. I’m excited about what may come of that. There is a need for far more workers in the fields helping people embrace the reality of living loved.

Surely the best way to equip people around you is by the example we live when we’re not trying and the conversations we have with people who are struggling to discover what it is to live loved. But there is also the need to help equip others with the instruction that sustains that walk and the encouragement to dive in and sample its wonders, without reducing it to principles and boring lectures.

If you’d like to join us in Lowville this weekend, come ahead! I know it’s late notice, but I’ve been heavily distracted by the unfolding circumstances of life. If not, let’s look for more opportunities to have that kind of conversation as I travel about and deal with others.