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I got this email yesterday from a friend who is on the journey of learning to live loved after raising his children in the demands of religion. Now adults, some of his children are questioning their religious upbringing and some have become quite accomplished Pharisees. All of them at the moment are going through some very hurtful and desperate circumstances.

In the second to the last chapter of He Loves Me, I related Jesus choice in John 12 to pray the God-save-me-prayer as he faced the cross, or the Father-glorify-your-name prayer. Jesus chose the latter, and he alludes to that in his brief note.

Here’s what he wrote me. I hope it encourages others of you with adult kids to trust God’s ability to win them to his love, more than you trust your own:

The boys do not like to spill all their problems on me but oddly, because I am finally starting to believe in Father’s love, it does not hurt or panic me. I don’t even feel the need for a SAVE ME prayer. Glorify your name settles my heart far better than waiting for God to do some miracle to relieve the pressure. I keep reminding the boys that it is all about learning to live in and trust Father’s Love.

I know they will get there because my oldest daughter (who had her PhD in Pharasieeism) is truly living loved. She has already gone down this road and will tell anyone IF she is wrong about Father’s love she is hopelessly lost because she cannot go back to where she was. I know Father will get them all there in His time. I am finally at a point where I am free from having to prove God’s love for them. He is doing that quite well all by himself. I keep telling them to just watch, and then point out how he is proving His love and care.

Hungry hearts learning to live loved of the Father in the land of Kenya

I just wanted to share an update I got from our brothers and sisters in Kenya today. God is doing marvelous things among them.

Thank you very much for the golden time you gave to us in Kenya and we feel like a burning fire, which is pushing us to move out with the gospel of living loved. The Bible says if they will know the truth, the truth will set them free and they will be free indeed.

Brother Wayne, I want to thank God very much. It was my cry and passion for many years to find out how I can help others in the truth of His Word. But after I visited the Lifestream website it was like I had reached the beginning of a bridge. Since that time I have been finding a way in this transition journey of having relationship with God and I can understand now that he loves me and he wanted that love to impact those who are in needy. I have found this living loved and loving others its not a lesson or a lecture but just simply to follow him and live the life he lived.

It is not a strong message, but just to reflect the life of Christ in us. I saw your life is very simple, flexible, teachable and a man of full passion and care. The seed you have planted here is bearing fruit. These needs will not continue because we are teaching them that what you gave them they need to use for the need and for generating income and looking to God not to depend on us or us to depend on you but to depend totally to God.

If there is anyway to help us, please do so. With the car you helped purchase, God has helped us to save 100 families and these people they have seen God in us. Although the needs are more, we depend total to God according to Philippians 4: 19. Many orphans here are in great need and the widows especial this time of hunger, continue praying for us and we will continue praying for you. I will be joining with my family for about two weeks in Bungoma, without any office work and I will be also staying with children’s home in Kitale. Please receive greetings from Hassan and other team. We are praying for you for the wonderful work that you are doing for the name of the lord. Send our greetings to your beloved wife Sara and the entire family and brothers and sisters over there.

The need in Kenya is ongoing, and we continue to channel money there as God puts it on the hearts of many of you. If you’d like to help us continue to support these brothers and sisters and see the Gospel grow in this part of Africa, please see our Sharing With the World page at Lifestream. You can either donate with a credit card there, or you can mail a check to Lifestream Ministries • 1560-1 Newbury Rd #313 • Newbury Park, CA 91320. Or if you prefer, we can take your donation over the phone at (805) 498-7774.

In response to my recent BodyLife article about “How Do I…” I got an email this week. It was very encouraging. This came from an old friend back east, and I am not reprinting it for the kind words he says about me, though they are greatly appreciated since I am in a very difficult season of being true to what God has invited me to do. I print it for the situation they find themselves in with elderly parents.

People who have been embedded in religion for most of their lives, don’t realize how captive they become to expectations and control. They almost make it impossible to love them because no matter what you do it is never enough.

I have been thinking about you quite a bit for the past several weeks especially since reading your March newsletter. I understand where you are coming from with the demands and all, and you have generated a lot of prayer on your behalf not only from us, but from those who know and love you as well.

I can’t begin to tell you how much your wisdom and writing is not only needed, but cherished as well, helping those you will probably never meet on this side. My wife and I were talking recently about the negative side of religion. Her folks (in their 90s) are living alone in their home, and now they need constant care, but having been taught from their childhood the necessity of control and expectations on all around them, we are up against it.

Sadly, they were never able to have an adult relationship with their kids and now it is impossible for my wife and her siblings to help in any way. No matter what they try to do it is wrong in their eyes, even though the decisions themselves are right. They will not give up control and it is tragic, especially when the kids are not respected for who they are. This is the old cause and effect religion.

I only tell you this (you’ve been through it) to encourage you to continue writing, and not to get bogged down with any of the other stuff. I had lunch Sunday with two couples who wanted to start “church”, and I encouraged them to read the book (So You Don’t Want to Go to Church Anymore) again and go to your website and read everything. The message needs to be told and retold. Families literally hang in the balance with all that religion does to destroy them.

I cried when I read the newsletter, for the pain I know you feel from time to time. For what it’s worth, I felt I was reading what the apostle would be saying in the language of today. Hope you can just relax each day knowing how important you are to Father and us.

OK, that last part is a bit over-the-top, but I love what he says about religion and legalism making us controlling people. Instead of healing our fears, it passes them on to others by our need to control them by whatever means are at our disposal. That’s why religious people carry so many expectations and think nothing of expressing their disapproval when people don’t meet them. It’s all an attempt to control others around them. Wouldn’t it be better just to let Jesus transform us in the face of our fears, rather than trying to satisfy them by destroying our relationship with others?

I heard one time that the last thing a parent can do for their children is to die well—not to demand from them the care they think they need and to be grateful when they do their best to help out. I like that.

I first saw this email on my phone sitting on a plane in Jackson, MS. It made me tear up as the doors were closing. I love the relationships that develop over time with people who carry the same passion for God, grace and freedom that I do.

There’s a wonderful discussion going on the Lifestream Journeys list about finding fellowship with others. I thought others of you might enjoy it as well. The question was first asked by Nancy:

I’m wondering what any of you might say about the concept of “fellowship”. People in (my old fellowship) ask me about that often, as in “are you getting any?” Obviously the wording makes me smile. But what I’m wondering is this: I’ve asked Father about it numerous times, asked him to please put people in my life for connection/fellowship etc.

So far in the past couple years I haven’t noticed any big change. ??There are lots of people in my life. I do not live in a cave—my family near and extended, my work colleagues, my various friends—but I would not say that any of these is truly “like-minded”. Of course what I’d like is a group with whom I can identify and agree together and pat each other on the back. Like (my old fellowship had). That is pretty comfortable. ??
But where Father has me at this point is precisely not there. I am depending on him for most of my warm fuzzies. I keep telling Him I really want somebody/ies with skin on, and it just ain’t happenin’. Which must be ok. I am wanting to be content with whatever he gives, yet often feel guilty because I am not content. ?

Sophie from Indiana, another lady on the list responded with a wonderful story of what God is doing in her and her family:

I have walked through the valley you’re in, and can understand where you’re coming from. I waited and waited for “like-minded” people too. And I can’t say exactly how long it took, but through that time of “just Jesus and me” I began to see God (or the image of God) in everyone, including those who’re not “like minded,” or even knew Him at all.

I began by accepting the people in my life as “the fellowship” that God has provided for me. It’s funny how Jesus has answered my heart’s desire to be more like Him. I thought in order to achieve this goal, I needed to be around people who are more like Him (in my own judgment, of course), but instead He brought me to be with people who weren’t at all what I had in mind and taught me to see them as He does. Obviously, I’m not all the way like Jesus, but certainly I now can relate to other people more like Jesus does. I’d always wondered how He is “a friend of all,” and now I know, or have a better idea than I did before. I now can be comfortable and “fellowship” with anyone.

And just when I finally got to the point where I could say, “OK, I don’t need to be with people who see spiritual things like I do” God started bringing “like-minded” people into my life. I enjoy time with “like-minded” people, but I no longer have a dependency on them like I used to when I was in the IC. I now see this whole concept of needing to be with people of like mind as another one of those IC concepts I needed to be freed from. And I think this freedom was what God had in mind for me when He took me into that lonely valley.

The great fear people have in religious settings is that people will prefer isolation to fellowship. They think people have to be obligated to their responsibility to be part of the community of believers, otherwise it is so boring that folks won’t participate. But I find everyone who knows God as Father has a deep desire to connect with other brothers and sisters. Real community is not an obligation it is irresistible. The key is letting God bring that about in his time, and not just looking for “like-minded” people.

Yes, he knows how important it is for us to have others with whom we can share our journeys, and there are many ways to do that. An important thread in some of this discussion is to let God control that as we just remain open and responsive to him. Guilt about not finding it yet, doesn’t help. Keep your hunger before God, love those he has put around you and see how he will bring people into your life. Yes, there are things we can do to connect on-line, and with others locally that might share our passion for a relationally journey. But if that isn’t happening at the moment, enjoy the people he has placed in your life. You never know what might come from it.

And as if to illustrate the point further, I got this email this morning from Karen in Minnesota about some recent goings on in this arena for her and her husband:

We celebrated or 25th anniversary on a cruise to Alaska last week! Not bad for having been unemployed for almost a year, huh!? We heard of a last minute deal on Wednesday and drove the next morning to Seattle to catch the ship! On the cruise we made two life-long couple friends. One is a couple who love the Lord and we shared amazing free fellowship. They are Catholic. Again, years ago that would have been a deal breaker. We connected so much with them they invited us to share their motel room when we got back to Seattle and we did! We all went to Mt Rainer together and to the Seattle market. None of us wanted to say goodbye. The other couple has a passion for life and photography and each other. We love them for who they are and have no agenda for them. How liberating! They are Jewish.

We have become great friends with our tattooed, pierced, living-together neighbors (at home, too). Not too many years ago we would have been too judgmental for that to ever happen. We have found such joy and freedom in recognizing how loved we are and allowing that same freedom to others. As an aside, this couple has recently come to love Jesus with a refreshing passion so now we share Him too.

When God gets to be in control of our relationships, and we grow increasingly secure in his love for us, some amazing things can happen way beyond our expectations.

I made it back from Mississippi, limping a bit from a water skiing accident and a pulled hamstring. Oh well! Youth must be served.

One of the things I appreciated about my time in Mississippi is how people open up when they find a safe place where they know they are loved, have the freedom to be where they are on the journey that day, and aren’t manipulated into agreeing with other people’s perception of truth. They can notice what they need to notice, question what they need to question and struggle where they are struggling. That’s where real learning, real growth and real transformation happen.

That doesn’t happen immediately, especially when someone like me comes to town. It takes a bit of time to dismantle the “author pedestal” and help people find freedom from the need to posture, impress, or simply not look foolish when talking to me. But when they finally feel relaxed enough to drop their guard, real community can happen.

I would that all of us could find such friendships, or at least offer it to others from their own life. It reminds me of the description of a safe place in Bo’s Cafe. If you haven’t read this story yet, you might want to check it out.

“I’m not sure.” I shake my head back and forth while crossing my arms. “I don’t get you guys. You talk about this being a ‘safe place,’ but neither of you two seem very safe at the moment.”

Carlos put his fork down and pats his hands on his knees, like he’s realizing the need to change his approach.

“I guess that depends on what you mean by safe, huh?” he says. “See man, if safe is just nice and sweet, where everybody’s smiling at you and nobody’s ever dealing with nothing, that’s not safe. That’s a retirement home. I like nice. Even Hank likes nice. Push come to shove, nice wins. But nice ain’t enough for safe. A safe place isn’t a soft place.

Safe is a place where you can get out the worst about you and they don’t run you off, talk you down or head for the hills. It’s having someone to stand with when you start to face the shameful stuff, man. It’s where you can be a jerk and still have a place at the table the next day…where you don’t have to hide or fake or pretend or bluff. Safe is being loved more for revealing your crap, not less.

I am off to Mississippi in the morning after I drop off our guests to take a flight home to Switzerland. I’ve never been in Mississippi before, so this is a first. And I have good news before I go, especially if you speak Portuguese.

Editoria Sextant, who already publishes The Shack and So You Don’t Want to Go to Church Anymore for the Brazilian Portuguese-speaking market, has just released He Loves Me: Learning to Live in the Father’s Affection in Portuguese. I heard about it when a friend in Brazil saw it in a bookstore yesterday. It was supposed to be out in June, but made it to the stores early.

When I was in Brazil last December meeting with people who had already read So You Don’t Want to Go To Church Anymore, they were anxiously awaiting the release of this other title. I’m so glad now they will have all three books in Portuguese and pray that many people will find them helpful in learning to live loved by the Father and live in love toward others. There is a great hunger there to learn about the Father’s love, especially about what really happened at the cross. He Loves Me explains that better than the others.

I also really love the cover design. I don’t often feel that way about foreign editions, but I think the publisher there came up with an excellent depiction, even suggesting Da Vinci’s famous painting in the Sistine Chapel.

And please don’t call our office for copies. We don’t have any here. They need to be purchased at a book store in Brazil or directly through the publisher. …

Living Loved In BrazilRead More »

I was reading through some of Bo’s Cafe this afternoon, once again enjoying the rich story of a man finding freedom from the most powerful force out to destroy him—himself! Listen to this exchange between some people who really understand grace and someone who hasn’t yet got a clue what it is:

“Steven, do you want to know why you are clueless about you? …Do you?” She stops again and stares. “Honey, I really need a verbal nod of some sort here.”

“Yes,” I say, “Yes, tell me why.”

“It’s because,” she says slowly and dramatically, “you don’t yet know who you really are. And Steven, you don’t know who you are because you haven’t yet learned grace.”

I stop her before she can continue. “Oh, boy. See, there you go. That’s all gibberish to me. I don’t want to be mean, but you and Carlos, you sound like cult members. Grace. Do you have any idea what that sounds like? It’s right up there with fluffy bunnies and unicorns. You’re aware there’s not a lot of grace talk in my board meetings, right? Look, I know you may not understand this, but in places where things get done, there’s accountability, and quotas, and deadlines. You know what I think God wants? He wants all of us to take responsibility for what we’re doing. Sorry, Cynthia. I was tracking with you. But if you wanna make sense to me, throw away the religious buzz words.”

Andy slaps his knee. “Whoo-eee! Yep, you got her there Steven.” He picks up his glass, swirling his ice. “Yep, first you start talking about grace. Next thing you know you’re skipping Sunday school and sleeping in ‘til noon. Then, a couple days later you’re down at the dog track, drinking whiskey out of a paper bag and dating a showgirl named Tiffany!”

“Why do you enjoy making everything I say sound stupid?” I ask.

“I don’t,” he says. “I only enjoy making the stupid things you say sound stupid.”

Cynthia takes over. “Steven, my friend, would you be offended if I told you that you sound to me like the one with the religious platitudes?”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning,” she continues, “You sound like a carnival huckster, promoting to others something he knows doesn’t and hasn’t worked for himself.”

“Meaning?” I repeat.

“Meaning, grace is the gift waiting for the non-religious. They’re the only ones who can get it. They’re the only ones who can use it. Religious folk see grace as soft. So they keep trying to manage their junk with their own will power and tenacity. Nothing defines religion quite as well. People trying to do impossible tasks with weak and limited power, bluffing all the while like it’s working for them.” ” She leans even closer. “I just took in a lot of churches and religious institutions with that last statement.”

“Did you hear that?” Andy laughs. So, who’s the religious one now, my friend? “
Cynthia smiles. “It takes something a whole lot more than will power and tenacity to get anything done in the human heart. You gotta allow yourself to receive something you can’t find on your own, not keep bluffing at being strong enough.”

Andy folds his arms and raises his eyebrows at me.

“You’ll hear this next statement a lot around here Steven,” Cynthia says. ‘What if there was a place safe enough where I could tell the worst about me and discover that I would be loved not less but more in the telling of it?’ Do you know what happens?”

“Carlos says your stuff starts to get fixed.”

What Stephen doesn’t know yet, is that engaging real grace will transform you far faster and far more completely than accountability and human effort ever will. He will soon come to discover that God’s reality is far greater than he knew before.

If you haven’t read the rest of the story, you might pick yourself up a copy!

What

Thirty-five years ago to today I stood at the end of an aisle and awaited my lover’s approach in her long, white gown. We had dated over three years, graduated from college together six days before, and now stood on the dock of the greatest adventure of our young lives.

What is so amazing to me is that our love as only grown deeper over the years even as we have changed so much. I am not the same young man she fell in love with and she is not the young woman I fell for. We have both changed greatly over the years and not in ways either of us expected. Our continued joy has not been trying to stay compatible, but in fighting hard to find the “us” at every stage of our journey.

I’ve learned this over the past 35 years. Joy does not come from getting all that I want, nor is it giving Sara everything that she wants. The fullest joy has come in finding those things we can say yes to together. Wherever we could find that place where we could both participate wholeheartedly we found great joy.

That doesn’t mean we both don’t have things the other does not enjoy. Sara thinks golf is a stupid game, and I don’t enjoy the gardening that brings such peace and refreshing to Sara. So we have our times of doing things the other doesn’t have to participate in. But the bulk of our friendship is found where we share wholeheartedly our life together—the decisions that fit us both, the moments that express what is inside each of us, the friendships we enjoy together, and the spiritual journey that has drawn us closer to the Father’s heart.

Through awesome joy and bitter pain we’ve somehow found a way to get on the same page together. That hasn’t always been true in our journey. At many points we couldn’t see eye-to-eye and struggled with what was happening in the other. That’s been quite a process since we both are flawed humans, making our share of mistakes, at times taking the other for granted, and sometimes just wanting things our way.

But we’ve never settled for a disjointed friendship kept looking ways for our hearts to be joined together anew and find those things that would express both of us. That has not been easy, but we always put our growing friendship above any thing else we might have wanted for ourselves and the fruits of that has been its own reward. And our trust for each other has grown through it all because neither of us ever betrayed the other’s trust.

Right now we not only seem to be on the same page, but even in the same sentence. I don’t think we’ve arrived, and I’ve no doubt that time and circumstance will yet challenge us, but we are wholeheartedly committed to sharing this journey together, no matter what.

So we wake up to our 35th anniversary this morning ever more in love. And by love I don’t mean the starry-eyed romance of fiction, but the deep-seated friendship that does the hard work of caring, serving, changing, working together, being true, and all the while cherishing the other. I stand amazed at all we have shared together, and grateful that we have each stayed faithful to the promises we made to each while standing on that metaphorical dock a long time ago. We do see all of this as an act of God’s grace working in our hearts and lives and find great contentment in the settled love we share together.

Sara, thank you for 35 awesome years. Thanks for going on this journey with me and being a partner on it, helping shape the realities that have formed our life together. I love you, Sweetheart, only and always!

The fullest fruit of it I enjoy now is in the unbridled joy of my wife. She has always been fun to be around, but through our early years she was quite reserved. But as God has shaped her, she embraces life with a greater joy and it spills out at times in spontaneous laughter that rings with freedom and joy. Hearing that laugh is among my favorite sounds today.

We’d wish the same for every couple we know. A life of love and true friendship is a great reward! And if you’re not enjoying it now, there’s no time like the present to start on a different journey together, where you fight for your friendship more than anything else.

To follow up on my last post appeals to the law, I wanted to include Paul’s appeal to love.

If you’ve gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care— then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don’t push your way to the front; don’t sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don’t be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand.

Philippians 2:1-4 – The Message

The biggest disappointments I’ve had on this journey are the brothers in Christ I got separated from in various conflicts and disagreements, especially those with whom I’ve shared some season of sharing the Father’s gifts together. Love is easy when everyone sees things the same way, but isn’t it really tested when we don’t? If it’s love it endures the pain and seeks a course that serves each other’s interests. Scripture records many moments in the life of the early church where disputes and violent disagreements pitted brother against brother and the outcome wasn’t always glorious, so I’m not surprised when it happens.

Nothing is more painful than a close relationship that goes awry, especially when a former friend thinks they have more to gain by turning on you than honoring the friendship. Even David felt it’s pain as he showed us in Psalm 55: “If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; if a foe were raising himself against me, I could hide from him. But it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship as we walked with the throng at the house of God.”

Love isn’t easy over the long haul, which makes me appreciate my relationship with Sara over 35 years all the more! We have found a way through ever disagreement, every struggle and every hurt to continue to forge an enduring relationship that means the world to both of us. We have found our way to ‘us’, mostly by following Paul’s counsel above. Notice it doesn’t take much of any of those things Paul lists there: “If you’ve gotten anything at all out of following Christ…, if his love has made any difference…, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything…, if you have a heart…”

From the smallest bits of love and grace any friendship can be restored. But both parties have to take that risk. I got an email recently asking how much do we have to do to make reconciliation happen, especially from those who had made harsh judgments against them. I told her there isn’t much anyone can do until the other party wants reconciliation. Forgiveness is one-sided, reconciliation takes two soft and willing hearts. I told her all she can do is keep her heart ready to respond in love when they open a door.

I guess I have a hard time with those who toss aside friendships so casually, or trade it away for more temporal objectives. Real open and honest friendships are some of the greatest treasure we get in this age. I guess I won’t every understand those who chose betrayal and division over healing and reconciliation.

I’ve always been amazed at how people who hold others to the law are usually in their closeted life the greater violators of it. I thought of that yesterday reading a comment on Facebook from a good friend of mine, Kent Burgess. He was quoting from The Shack:

“Mackenzie,” Sarayu continued, “those that are afraid of freedom are those who cannot trust us to live in them. Trying to keep the law is actually a declaration of independence, a way of keeping control.”

“Is that why we like the law so much—to give us some control?” asked Mack.

“It’s much worse than that,” resumed Sarayu. “It grants you the power to judge others and feel superior to them. You believe you are living to a higher standard than those you judge. Enforcing rules, especially in it’s more subtle expressions like responsibility and expectation, is a vain attempt to create certainty out of uncertainty. And contrary to what you might think, I have a great fondness for uncertainty. Rules cannot bring freedom; they only have the power to accuse.”

I remember working on this portion of the book and how taken I was by a relational reality that would transcend the need for rules and law, because law was the way we sought to manage people without having to relate to them in love. Law, politics, capitalism, and religion all seek to manipulate the law to gain an advantage over others. In that sense most appeals to the law are simple cowardice. By letting an advocate represent their selfish side they can still pretend to be kind and gracious.

In my work with BridgeBuilders I have seen how our legal system completely disowns all that is important to God—love, grace, mutual respect and relationship—and seeks to manipulate the letter of the law for whatever self-interest can be gained by either side. It sustains itself in an environment of distrust and suspicion and rather than seeking common ground it turns everyone into a winner or a loser. But it always sacrifices relationship on the altar of personal gain. Once something goes legal no one cares about the others involved or even the truth of what was said or done, but only how every thing can be twisted to personal advantage.

“It grants you the power to judge others and feel superior to them.”

And relationship in the world suffers every time we do that. How easy it is to write or read words like those above, and how much more difficult to actually live them in our relationships with others. Our commitment to relationship is not measured when times are good and we all agree, but where we don’t see things the same way.

Hasn’t there been enough division in this world between brothers and sisters without adding to it? The last time I got separated from a brother on this journey, I told myself I’d never let it happen again. I’d do everything in my power to fight for the joy of a relationship even if it cost me in temporal terms.

The only problem is, while it takes two softened hearts and a significant amount of time to begin to even taste the beauty of God’s kind of community, it only takes one damaged heart and a split second to destroy it. As much as it lies with you be at peace with all men, is how the writer of Hebrews put it. And that’s all we can do. But at least let’s do that. We need more peacemakers in the world, not those who would look down on others.