If one of these men was your hope for America’s future, then your hope was sorely misplaced. And you’re actually in more trouble if your guy won than if he lost. Our hope is never in the ways of or abilities of humanity, but in the unfolding purpose of a gracious Father.

This morning I got this comment on my last blog about the election, and it reflects a lot of anguish I’ve also seen in my emails and in social media from many conservatives.

Wayne, now that the election is over I am in a rough place as I was putting some hope in the goodness of what good is still left in our beautiful America, but now I think I was wrong. l know that my hope is in Father and not men, but I find myself completely cynical about my neighbor. Evil will prevail in this life and I have spent far too much time in hoping I would not witness it consume our country-obviously we are going to watch it happen. I struggle with finding my footing in knowing that Father is in control, having to take the injustice of it all, and knowing that my job is to just continue doing as I have been doing for the past couple of years since Father opened my heart to his will of living loved each day and loving others in that love. I also know that many others have watched injustice happen all around them for a lifetime, and had somehow been able to live a life of joy in the midst of it. I am in need of perspective.

It appears someone is watching too much cable news, or even network news for that matter. The candidates and pundits pitted this election as good versus evil as a way to ramp up votes and ratings by ramping up fear regardless of what side they were on. No one I saw or read gave an honest analysis of what was really going on while treating both sides with respect and honor for their differing views. The tragic result now is that citizens view those who did not vote like them as evil people, not simply people with different perspectives and priorities. Our country is today the poorer for it.

If you want to find rest in God’s unfolding purpose in history, you have to stop watching the news and believing the pundits. You won’t believe how much more clearly you can see when you’re not filling your head with the news channel rhetoric which is destroying the fabric of our culture. God is bigger than Obama or Romney. If your God can’t work his purpose through Obama as much as through Romney, then your God is too small–way too small. Ny goodness, he had his way with Egypt and Pharaoh and Babylon and Nebuchadnezzar, Rome and Herod, even with Pilate.

Maybe the question is do we really want God’s purpose? Because his purpose isn’t always to make life easy and prosperous for us. Sometimes God’s purpose includes hard times for our nations, which would include us as well. No wonder we look for someone to blame. We’re afraid of our own suffering. But the world is doing just what the world does——serving itself, even to its own ruin. And our God is doing what he does, working in that brokenness to offer his light and life to anyone who will listen.

So if you take this election as a reason to fear your neighbor or regard them as evil, then you’ve become a pawn of the political parties and the mass media. That’s what they want you to think so you’ll keep tuning in hoping someone will give your side hope for the future.

If you want hope to grow in your heart, regardless of what America goes through in the next decade you’ve got to tune your heart to a different frequency and listen to Father more than the hostile political rhetoric of a broken age. You’ll want to remember that his purposes are never thwarted, that he works through both triumph and tragedy as he draws people to himself and moves our world toward its ultimate culmination in him. His purpose is to draw all things to himself and the best way to participate with him is to learn to live in his love for those around us–including our neighbors. You can’t love what you fear or what you hold in contempt.

People who disagree politically with you are not stupid or evil and they are not your enemy. This last election proved to me just how out of step I am with my culture, especially in the candidates and propositions in California. I tire of throwing more money at a government system that is corrupt, especially in California where the public-employee unions continue to manipulate the legislature to line their own pockets. But until my fellow-citizens wake up, we’re just going to have more of the same. But are they less lovable because I consider them misguided? Of course not. The consequences of their actions will soon catch up to all of us, and then we’ll see where we go from there.

I don’t mind being out of step with my culture because I consider my participation in God’s kingdom goes way beyond my American citizenship. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a lot about this country to love, even as we lament that which is wrong with it. And wouldn’t it be best if we spent less time complaining, and spent more doing what we can do to make this world a better place. I hope the current economic crisis in America eventually forces our leaders to work together for real solutions, but whether they do or not, Father is still my provider and his purposes will unfold in the earth regardless of what humanity does.

And so I embrace this day with the joy that I get to be part of a a bigger purpose than our political system could ever touch. I get to live inside God today and see what he puts before me. And I get to love people who come near me today and have no idea what the loving might accomplish in others. And I will lay my head down on a pillow tonight grateful to be living in such a time with such an amazing Father.

On October 4, I asked if there were some of you who had it on your hearts to help buy some new clothes for the orphanage in Kenya and I was blessed to have so many of you respond so quickly. We sent the money last month, even though we had not yet received enough. But during our time in Europe, additional money came in to complete the total.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, from both Sara and me and from the children as well. We are overwhelmed with joy to see such generosity flow so freely. Their previous clothes were worn out completely and this is such a gift for them, in answer to their prayers.

Today, I received this note and the following pictures:

Thank you very much for clothing the kids. They are happy and praying for you, your family and the ministry at large. All the kids are in good health and they are learning to depend on God for the provision of their daily needs. I had attached some photos of the kids, so you can see them.

Secretary Thomas Wamalwa

Top row, left to right: Sheilah, Purity, Esther, Mark, and Stella
Bottom row, left to right: Daniel, Pamella, Joseph, Naomi, and Daisy

We continue to need $3,000.00 monthly support for the orphanage to house, feed, and educate these children. Hopefully over the next year we will also be able to help them finance a local industry or agricultural that can not only hire some of the people who need jobs, but whose profits can sustain the orphanage itself. We are still trying to find the right idea that will provide both.

In in the meantime, if you feel called to help us support these children either with a one-time contribution, or a monthly donation, we (and they) would be grateful. If you want to know more about this project or the AIDs recovery home we also support in South Africa, you can see our Sharing With the World page at Lifestream. You can either donate with a credit card there, or you can mail a check to Lifestream Ministries • 1560 Newbury Rd, Ste 1 #313 • Newbury Park, CA 91320. Or if you prefer, we can take your donation over the phone at (805) 498-7774.

I voted today and it was not a joyful event. Politics in the U.S. are at a low-ebb, at least the lowest in my lifetime. I hate both political parties——Republicans and Democrats. And please take note that my hatred is aimed at the parties themselves, not the people involved in them. (How I wish there were a credible third-party candidate to vote for, and no, I don’t need the comments and emails trying to convince me otherwise. And I’ll apologize from my roof-top if any third-party candidate comes close to winning this election in even one state.)

Humans, grouped together, have an amazing capacity to do justify horrific behavior when it serves their interests. And right now the only thing our political parties seem to be committed to is electing their own to power, and serving their own unique band of special interests to line their pockets and increase their influence. That’s their bottom line, and when your only compass is power, money, or influence, character and integrity is always lost. Truth has no meaning, corruption ensues, and society becomes a poorer place.

As I read Psalm 58 on Sunday morning I’m reminded that the corruption of those who seek political power is a constant theme of human history.

Is this any way to run a country?
Is there an honest politician in the house?
Behind the scenes you brew cauldrons of evil,
behind closed doors you make deals with demons.
Psalm 58:1-2

I guess it’s nice to know this problem is as old as humanity, and the constant desire humans have to force others to do their bidding. I would hope there are people in both parties who care about a greater common good for our country, but it is not evident any more. They have figured out how to slice our fellow-citizens up into special interest groups from which they can find 51% willing to vote their way. It is corrupting to the core. George Washington himself warned us this would be so. He thought political parties would eventually ruin this country. In his farewell letter to the nation, he warned that political parties would turn the government from “a group of people interested in their nation’s future, to a rabbling mob of power-hungry professional politicians.”

He was right and the fulfillment of his words are coming due in our generation. Our political parties are money-grabbing, influence-peddling, character-destroying institutions whose only ambition is to increase their own power. Over the past few years I’ve spent more time than I would care to admit with people who serve a bottom-line above everything else. For some it’s money or power. With political parties it’s votes. But whenever someone cares about their bottom line more than what’s right or fair, truth is the first thing discard by the side of the road. They will say or do whatever they must, to get what they think they deserve and they have absolutely no concern for whatever carnage they create. Both parties have demonstrated that in this election.

But I do believe history turns on small decisions by thousands of people, and voting in a republic, while a small one indeed, is nonetheless critical. So I took pen in hand and voted once again, often having to hold my nose as I did it. And, no, I did not vote for President Obama this year. Probably the blog posting that has caused the most angst among readers and generated the largest volume of e-hate-mail, was the one when I talked about voting for President Obama in the last election and what I thought it meant for nonwhites in American history.

As I made clear at the time that vote was mostly a protest vote against Republicans for selling out our country to war-mongers and Wall-street executives, and betraying their own principles in outrageous spending, and I do not regret it. But President Obama has been a far worse president than I feared and I could not consider voting for him again. I knew his rhetoric for bi-partisan efforts would be far easier than dealing with reality, but I have been disappointed that he has not lifted a finger to forge collaborative legislation and has only bullied others to get what he wanted. He betrayed most of his campaign promises, except for those that served his leftist leanings. In the end he seems overmatched for the job, especially on economic and domestic issues, and now has run a purely negative campaign that has only torn down his opponent with false charges, instead of building a credible case for his own re-election.

We need a problem-solver at the head of the economy now and I’m hoping Mitt Romney has the chops to deliver on his promise. He certainly has far more experience in dealing with the realities of high-finance, and a greater record for collaboration than his opponent. But it was not an easy vote. The Republican party does not speak for me on so many issues, and the ones it does it seems to only give lip service to, in hopes of manipulating a constituency’s support rather than actually governing from those priorities.

I have no illusions here. Their bottom line is the good of their party, rather than the good of the country. I hope that changes some day, or this may be how our grand experiment in representative governance ends: the goodwill of the people overturned by the corruption of its officials and the arrogance of its political parties. When your bottom line is the amassing of personal power at the expense of the common good, you are part of the momentum that bears us toward destruction.

No, this is no way to run a country. The Psalmist was right. But let it also be a warning to us. This is also not way to live our lives. Do you have a bottom line you put above loving others? Do you live each day trying only to find what makes you happy, or trying to find a way to make someone else give you what you want? If so, you are also a collaborator in your own destruction.

We find life not by doing what is expedient for ourselves, but by doing what love invites us to do in the moment. That will lead us to truth, not away from it. It will allow us to live with humility, compassion, and honesty in the world, and where you can freely do that the kingdom of God advances in the heart of men.

I voted today, but that’s by far not the most important thing I’ll do today. There are so many other ways to let God’s light shine on the world around me, which will somehow unfold in simply loving the next person God puts in front of me.

Well, we’re back from my third trip to Europe (and Sara’s second) this year. I had an amazing time with some of my friends in Germany and then did it all again in Switzerland with others. Though I don’t love travel per se, I have enjoyed all the people God has graced me to meet over the years in countries all over the globe. You’ll hear more about this trip next week at The God Journey as Silvio, my Swiss friend, and I reminisce about my last trip to Europe.

Coming home, however was a weird experience for me. This is the first time in 18 years that I have come home from a trip without any other trips ahead on the schedule. I didn’t realize how much I’ve come to live my life in blocks between trips. On the way home, I’m usually talking to God about what I need to get done before the next departure. Sometimes that has been a matter of days and at other times a few weeks. But I have not come home in the last three years with nothing on the schedule, not this year, not next, and not any time thereafter. I even found myself wondering, “What if this is my last trip?” Weird… But, I’ve got to be honest, it sounded so good.

Why haven’t I scheduled any travel? It’s not because I lack invitations, in fact I’ve got more than a hundred from people who have enquired about my coming. The reason I haven’t booked any is because I haven’t sensed Father’s direction or timing in any of them yet. I don’t travel for me, or even for “the ministry.” I only travel when I sense God has a purpose in it. But not all his purposes are fulfilled in my travel. I am freshly being drawn to spend some time at home in his purpose, both as part of his work in Sara and to take on two important writing projects that have been on my heart for some time.

Do I really think I won’t travel again? No, not really. In fact, at the moment I’m actively in discussions and prayers about returning to Brazil, South Africa, and Australia in 2013, as well as visiting some people in the States. But none of that is certain yet, and I’m not rushing to fill up a schedule. I’m going to let this season play out as long as Father wants it to, and move on only when that is clear.

When I was finishing one of my last two books, In Season: Embracing the Father’s Process for Fruitfulness, I knew I was in a winter season, as God had slowed down my life as he was pruning off some of those things that had grown up around my life that he no longer wanted me actively engaged in. No one wanted that more than me, and if you asked me at the time, I’d have thought I’d be well-past that season by now. But over the last few months he has continued to empty my life and bring me back to a simpler place and time. And I love him for it.

The most incredible thing I’ve been involved in this summer is watching God transform Sara and set her free to be more the Sara God created her to be before other people intruded on that gift by using her for their own ends. I told her the other day that I’ve never had more fun with her than I had this summer being inside this process with her. It’s been amazing, and though the work is not done yet, it has opened a door for us to love each other differently and more deeply than we have before. It’s the greatest thing I’ve ever been part of, and I don’t want to miss any more of it.

I’ve met with a lot of people of late frustrated that God doesn’t seem to be answering their cries for wisdom in desperate times. Almost in all cases they were looking for God to give them a strategy that they could pursue. I find God doesn’t often work that way. If he gave us grand strategies, we’d only end up trying to fulfill them ourselves. I am convinced now that God’s will unfolds each day as we simply love the people he’s put before us and do the things he nudges our heart to do. The fruit and consequences of those decisions will open and close doors that will allow us to make other decisions, as we lean into his life and freedom. I like that. I don’t have to know the whole process, but simply wake up tomorrow and pursue what’s on my heart. I’m content to let the grand strategy be his.

So Sara and I arrive at this moment in our lives with a clean slate. We are not just going to keep on doing things that have gained a momentum of their own. We have laid all that down——the travel, the podcasting, the writing, even our hopes and expectations, so that we can sense more freely where the wind of the Spirit wants to blow us for this next season of our lives. We find ourselves immensely grateful for all that he’s allowed us to be part of over the last twenty years and the people we’ve gotten to know all over the world. At the same time we are alive with anticipation at whatever pleases him for this next season.

When I saw this picture (taken by a friend last week in Switzerland) it captivated me as a metaphor of where we’re at spiritually now. We rest content on the mountain of all God has done in us, drawn more closely together by his grace, and looking out across an future still shrouded in clouds, but confident that God’s purposes will continue to unfold in days to come.

And we wouldn’t want to be anywhere else…

On La Chasseral outside St-Imier in Switzerland looking over the low-lying clouds to the majestic Alps in the distance.

I saw this in a small article in this month’s edition of Reader’s Digest:

Over a 30-year period, University of Illinois researchers asked nearly 120,000 people how income, education, political participation, volunteer activities, and close relationships affected their happiness. Reported Newsweek’s Sharon Begley on the findings, “The highest levels of happiness [are found] with the most stable, longest, and most contented relationships.” (Reader’s Digest, October 2012 p. 126)

Imagine that! The most important determining factor in one’s personal happiness is the quality and quantity of long-term friendships. If you’ve read this blog at all, you know I extol their virtues all the time. It is certainly true in my life, that what brings me the greatest joy in life is meaningful friendships. While I enjoy new ones that are just beginning to connect, I treasure those that I’ve had over decades, many tracing back to my high school and college years. And the ones I share with family——Sara for 40-plus years, and my adult-children now in their early-30’s.

Friendships of growing affection, mutual respect, humor, honesty, and integrity are among the greatest wonders we get to enjoy in this age, and are probably a taste of what is to come in the next. It’s no wonder then that the enemy has so many tools in his arsenal to shatter friendships, and why so many of our fleshy pursuits actually sabotage the relationships we desire. Greed, jealousy, hatred, the quest for significance, self-focus, immorality, shame, faithlessness, dishonesty, arrogance, rage, ambition and countless others not only impact the person dealing with these deeds of the flesh, but the also all destroy friendships.

A good friend who has watched my life over 35 years wrote me recently with his insight that a lot of what I talk about always comes back to relationship——between us and God, and between ourselves and others. He saw that reflected in Ephesians where the purpose of God is to transform the world by creating people who can live in his love, and who by loving others become a powerful and subversive force in a self-focused world. This has been God’s purpose from the beginning, to restore a priority of relationships that are full and free and through those relationships to demonstrate his reality in the world. It’s too bad most of Christendom has missed that and been far more preoccupied with building an identity in their programs, institutions, and doctrines that has given us a reputation more for division than a growing unity.

I’ve been reading Ephesians again taking note of how important this is in Father’s heart and how deeply it lies at the heart of the Gospel. It’s not what we achieve that defines us, but how we love that makes us successful in God’s eyes. Isn’t it interesting that social scientists are coming to the same conclusion? We were created for relationship and are most happy in those that are long and enduring. Sin destroys our capacity for relationship by making others our competitors for attention, money, or status instead of drawing us into relationships as friends who can struggle together in the brokenness of this age.

I love the excerpt above because I know there is nothing that will bring you more joy than becoming one who can love freely, without expectation, and end up with friendships rich and deep. That doesn’t mean everyone you love will love you back. Not even close. But in your loving, you open doors for others to come out of their self-focused prisons. And some of those will become close, life-long friends with whom you can share your life.

I’ve known Janna LaFrance and her husband for the past ten years, having met them in Stratford, Ontario during a trip there with my wife and continuing through over the years. They have been on an interesting journey to say the least, through pain and disillusionment with organized religion, the tragic death of their firstborn, and numerous other challenges. But through it all they have continued to find their way into the healing and freedom that only Jesus can give. I’ve been blessed to watch that story unfold.

A few years ago she started to write a book to illustrate the power of grace in the midst of tragedy. It has just been released. The title is, “A Girl Named Grace” and tells a powerful tale of tragic loss that only grows more painful as more facts come to light. As she descends into overwhelming darkness she thinks she hears a voice, but has no idea whether she’s going mad or finding hope. In the midst of it all, grace she wasn’t even looking for finds her and opens a wide door into a world Grace never knew existed.

I don’t recommend books just because someone I know and appreciate has written it. To be true to my readers, it has to bee a book I think you’ll care about. This is a compelling read and rings with the authenticity of someone who has known the pain and been transformed by grace in the midst of it herself. Janna has lived these realities, and has now put them in print to encourage others who are looking for a voice of hope in the midst of great loss. Though women will probably relate more to this book than men, there is a great story here for everyone, and some powerful images of love and forgiveness. I’ve had the joy of peaking over her shoulder for the past couple of years as she was crafting this story and getting it ready for publication. Here’s what I wrote as an endorsement on the back of her book.

“Grace finds herself in the mind-numbing despair of an unfolding tragedy, only to discover that help comes in the most unlikely way. A Girl Named Grace is a compelling story of personal transformation in the midst of incredible pain. As Grace sorts out her story, you may just find yourself sorting through your own.”
—Wayne Jacobsen,

And here are a few excerpts from her book:

It was as though she had known Him her whole life and was more comfortable with Him than she had been with anyone she had ever known. He had no secret agenda or intention of taking anything from her that she did not offer. He would not hurt her or force her to do anything she did not want to do. In the deepest sense of the word, He loved her.

“This happened because life simply took its course. That humans will fail you is inevitable. How they fail will vary tremendously, but they will fail. They were never meant to replace Us. When a man or woman replaces Us as the source of life for you, it is only a matter of time before the well dries up and you are left disappointed, or worse, and are forced to go elsewhere…”

“Again, rather than her anger pushing Him away, He seemed to somehow come even closer. “Grace, I am the source. I love to flow through My children. I love to flow through fathers to their children and through husbands to their wives and through friends and strangers and children. What must change is your perception of where the life-flow is coming from. If you know that it is Me, even when others fail you, you will simply see through them and into My eyes. You will begin to recognize My voice when others speak My words to you. You will begin to sense My heartbeat in the actions of others, when they are being inspired by Me.”

My friend, Dave Fredrickson of Family Room Media also had a chance to review it. This is what he said:

“This is one of the very few novels that have captured my heart and brought tears to my eyes. Each page unveils a love story that lured me far beyond the shallows of romance into the depth of the Father’s heart. The timeless theme skillfully weaves itself around an engrossing plot like poetry on a mission to shatter false illusions and reveal true identity.” —David Fredrickson, author of When the Church Leaves the Building and helped write and produce the video series Church Outside the Walls.

Janna will talk more about her book on the October 19 podcast at The God Journey, but the book is available now. You can find it on Janna’s website, and at Amazon.com. You can also read the first chapter if you like, on Janna’s blog.

I’m just finishing up a weekend-long conference with a congregation here in Karlsurhe, Germany. There are also a lot of people who’ve driven a long way to join us this weekend. I love the hunger I’m seeing as we’re talking about the process of how Jesus grows our trust as we learn to live-loved. This is about truly living by faith, not as something God demands that we conjure up for him out of our own effort, but that which is produced in us as the fruit of our growing relationship with him. I love this stuff!

Many have asked about the appearance I did for Grace TV that I taped during my recent trip to Ontario. I’ve just been informed that the interview will air on Monday, Oct. 15, GTV at 9:00 PM Eastern Time (6:00 pm Pacific Time) and again on Friday, Oct 19 at 9:00 PM Eastern Time (6:00 pm Pacific Time). That’s a picture from the set at left, with Megan, the producer of the show and the one who did the interview. In this interview I talk mostly about HE LOVES ME and the joys of this journey helping people live loved and she asked some interesting questions that led to some answers that even surprised me.

The TV network airs on their network and you can view it here. After the air dates you can also view it in their archive.

I have been overwhelmed with email since posting the previous blog about the gift of divorce for those in abusive situations. Obviously there are a lot of people out there in very broken relationships, who fear even for their lives in dealing with an abusive spouse. My heart goes out to them and I pray God will give them the courage, wisdom, and help to find their freedom. Life is too short to live as the captive to someone else’s pain. I was also blessed to hear from so many for whom my blog relieved them from shame they had long been carrying for having gone through a divorce.

But I also received a number of emails like the one below, from those who seem stuck in an unfulfilling relationship with a partner who is unwilling to address their desire for something more:

My husband is very disconnected emotionally–and we’ve been married 20 years. I’ve been struggling with what to do–things are just so bad between us and not because he’s abusive in any way. As long as there is no conflict, everything is good in his mind. He doesn’t like conflict at all so real conversations don’t happen very often. I finally told him that the only way I knew to deal with our marriage was to lose any expectations I had regarding him or our marriage and since I really don’t know how to do that, it would most likely translate into more distance. I’ve reached a point where I just don’t care anymore. It’s difficult to have a happy marriage by yourself.

Her last sentence says it all. It is not only difficult it is impossible. The question is what can we do about it? In this case they had been to counseling and her husband just didn’t care about deepening the relationship, or even that his wife had a desire to do so. What a tragedy! It does take two people and a bit of energy to see a marriage deepen and grow over the years for a lifetime of affection and romance. But I can’t imagine why anyone wouldn’t want that, if not for themselves then at least for the man or woman they vowed to love. A life of growing affection, seasoned over time, is one of the greatest gifts of living in this age.

Sara and I are once again feasting on the fruits of another shift in our marriage, where God’s revelation in an area of her life challenged me to change in a way that could support and celebrate what was happening in her. There have been numerous moments in our marriage where we had to risk the status quo of our marriage or embrace the process that would deepen our relationship. Staying with the status quo seems so easy, even if it is unfulfilling. And risking change is, well, a risk with no guarantees and always challenges the bondages of our selfishness that aren’t fun to face. But the fruit of doing so, especially when both do it together, is so amazing.

I can’t imagine any husband or wife refusing the adventure to an ever-deepening relationship of love, but I know everyone isn’t always in the same frame of mind at the same moment. It saddens me deeply to hear that one partner wants to go on this journey and the other is reluctant or even hostile to the idea. I have some thoughts that might help, but none of this is directed at the woman who wrote the above email. I don’t know her, her husband, their situation, the dynamics of their marriage, or anything else that would allow me direct my counsel to her. But I will comment in general, in hopes that others will see marriage not just as an obligation to get through life together, but the greatest opportunity to know community with another human being, and enjoy a lifetime adventure of loving and being loved as God continues to bring both people closer to himself. Obviously the Spirit will have to lead you, but this may help:

Sara and I now know that two very selfish people got married 37 years ago. We thought we were “in love”, and for people young and innocent, we were. But we “loved” each other for what we got out of the other and negotiating for what we wanted in the marriage always had to do with who had the influence to get their way. Making a marriage thrive, however, is not about power or getting one’s way, but about cherishing the other and serving her. But what if I’m the only one cherishing and serving? Won’t I just be taken advantage of? And the answer is, you will. Is that acceptable? It depends. If loving and serving someone opens a door to their heart, it can be awesome. But if it leads you to feel exploited without any hope of healing on his side, then it can be incredibly hurtful.

But this is not something we can negotiate. If I’m going to love and serve you only if you love and serve me, then we’re back to negotiating power by finding a mutual accommodation of self-need. While that accommodation is certainly far better than two selfish people repeatedly arguing and scheming to get their own way, it will not nurture a deeper love and affection. Somehow our service has to come from an inner transformation that finds our own selfishness unfulfilling and asks God teach us how to love our spouse the way he loves us.

Yes, this is impossible to do in human terms, especially with a non-responsive spouse. Unless we can become a conduit for the Father’s love toward our spouse, we will never know the deeper relationship we are hoping for. We have to see through their eyes and ask why are they seemingly disinterested in a deepening relationship. Does he have no hope it will happen? Does he feel overwhelmed by your expectations? Is he just worn out from the endless conversations about their relationship? Is he just so broken inside he doesn’t know how to engage that process? I know most partners take it personally when their spouse doesn’t want to engage a deeper relationship, but usually there’s an underlying reason and that usually isn’t because they don’t care about them or the relationship. So what is it? Only an honest conversation in a no-pressure environment can help unlock that answer.

And I don’t want abused partners to read that and think they must continue in an abusive relationship. Abused spouses almost always stay in a destructive relationship too long. They either blame themselves, hope for change when none is coming, or feel so trapped that they keep explaining away what their heart is already telling them to do. Love will want the best for your abusive partner, and that does not include giving them the opportunity to continue on a path of destruction. Love in the face of abuse will demand that it stop and that your spouse get help for their own good as well as your own.

That’s why abuse or exploitation in marriage is so insidious. If the joy of marriage can only be discovered when both lay down their lives for the good of the other, it is ruined when one is willing to take advantage of the other for their own desires. It kills love before it ever gets to take hold. Love expressed in mutual care and service never grows stale over time, but continues to uncover ever-deeper realities and romance that has proved to be the greatest adventure of my life in this age. And also, it is the greatest impetus for Sara and me to keep changing and growing.

Learning what it means to love Sara has not always been a smooth road, but the fruit of doing so as always been well worth any cost of mine. I’m convinced that marriage is the laboratory where God intends our flesh to die and where we truly learn to love another human being and become part of their journey. There is no great joy than that discovery, and yet our flesh screams against every opportunity to learn to do so. Yes, a marriage can just persevere for decades by finding a mutual accommodation of what we each want, but it will leave both people starving for love and leaves little room for romance.

Our default setting as humans seems to be to prefer the status quo that we know (unless it is too painful to endure) to the risk inherent in growth and change. So when a spouse is approached about deepening the marriage, the response is usually negative. They can feel judged as a failure, intimidated by the request, or overwhelmed with so many other things in their life, that they don’t feel they have the energy to do whatever needs to be done to improve the relationship. So don’t take it personally. It may not be meant that way. There may be other internal reasons that make them resistant.

That’s why simply asking them to be more connected probably won’t work, especially if your frustration bleeds through and it makes the other one feel like a failure, or if your hopes are communicated as a fantasy he has no hope in. That’s why love is always an invitation, never a demand. Remember when you were first attracted to that man or woman you ended up marrying? You couldn’t demand they love you back, you could only woo them and hope that a similar passion was kindled in their heart.

Do you remember how intoxicating it was to be in their presence, and how much it delighted you when something you did brought them joy? Unfortunately that often gets swallowed up in the daily responsibilities of life and the distractions of this world. Our relationships get complicated with expectations, resentments, and hurts. To re-ignite the passion it often takes some breathing space to sort through some of that and to recapture the affection that delights in the joy of the other.

That usually isn’t done through confrontations, but by a bit of humor, tenderness, romance without manipulation, and even some playful flirting. At some point, hopefully a conversation can emerge in an environment that allows hopes and dreams to be discussed with honesty and compassion so our spouse isn’t put on the defensive, or with the feeling that they have to come up with a plan to make it happen. That can be intimidating itself. And if communication has been really squelched in a marriage, that may take a third party to help you communicate in a way that leads to greater love and understanding. A good counselor can be incredibly helpful here, but so can an older married couple who have been through it themselves.

Who knows that maybe sitting down and reading this blog together may open a door of conversation between you? Just don’t bring a lot of agenda with it, but share some simple hungers and hopes and see if your partner can’t find a way to embrace the adventure with you. And for the reluctant partner, try to remember what it was like the day you decided to marry your spouse. What hopes had you for them? Why wouldn’t you want to be part of fulfilling the deepest hopes and dreams of that young life? You may not know how to do it, or get past some of your own disappointments, but if you could truly find a way to relax into a different reality, wouldn’t you want that for him or her, and even for yourself?

It isn’t an exact science, but hopefully you can find a way back into your spouse’s heart and you in his. It is a process and it may take some time, but any relationship can find a way to share God’s love together. Just remember the encouragement of Scripture for life-long loving was written in a time when most marriages were arranged, not chosen. How much more can these things be true with the woman or man who captured our hearts at a young age, and with whom we made so many promises on the day we got married?

Ask God to walk you through this. It will be more his wisdom than yours and his leading to the more propitious moments for the kind of conversation that may help you turn a corner. And regardless how your spouse may or may not respond in the short-term, God will still have a way forward for you to be fulfilled in him and to know best how to love your spouse right where they are. That’s a great attribute of love. It doesn’t demand anything of the other. Love starts where he is, not where you might want him to be. It realizes that pressuring someone to do what it wants, is a betrayal of itself and thus can only give of itself and not seek to manipulate the other.

I overheard a song earlier this summer and the ending refrain caught my heart. The song is Midnight Train to Georgia, and heard this refrain:

“I’d rather live in her world, than live without her in mine.”

Those words captured my heart as soon as I heard them. They express so well the work God has been inviting me into this summer and maybe that’s the heart of life-long loving. Rather than scheme to get my way with Sara or drag her into my world, I simply enjoy being with her in hers. Sara has done that far more for me over the life of our marriage, than I have had opportunity to do for her. So I’m learning to live in a part of Sara’s world that I never knew existed and we are finding so much joy in that relationship.

Was this not at the heart of the Incarnation? God could have stayed in his heaven without us, but wanted to be in our world with us and by loving us open a wider door for us to know what real life is. The hope for joy and transformation in your marriage is not to press your spouse for what you want or even think best, but in your willingness to love them the way he loves you—right where you are with all your brokenness and struggles. In this kingdom, your struggles don’t make you unacceptable, they only make you more endearing to those who truly love you.

Let him love you like that, then you’ll know how to love your spouse like that. And there’s no telling what love will do from there!

If you have any extra resources these days, I know some orphan children in Kenya who need some new clothes and shoes. Please give this opportunity some consideration. As many of you know, for the past three years we’ve been helping build a home in Kenya to care for almost 80 children who were orphaned in the violence that followed a disputed election in Kenya seven years ago. Through the generosity of many of you we were able to build a facility to house and educate them. We give them $3,000.00 per month in salaries, food, and supplies for these wonderful kids.

Today, I received this prayer request from the treasurer of the orphanage:

Thank very much for being concern to the kids of living loved christ hope care education centre. I take this happy tense moment to appreciate for the mats, matresses, blankets and all other needs you usually provide for them, they are now happy as they sleep well. Also apart from material things, bother Michael and I every day teach them how to follow Jesus. It has changed their life and they are going to be good people who would be accepted in the community and country at large as they complete their education.

The kids are healthy, and we are praying God for the following needs: clothes and shoes for all the children. Almost every kids’ shoes are worn out and also ordinary clothes, so please continue to pray for them.

They have asked us to pray with them about this need, and I’m blessed to do so. One of the things we are encouraging with this entire project is to get them, staff and students, to look to God as their provider, and not just think it will always come from people in the west. I’m glad they are learning to do that. I’m praying for them, too, and asking God to show them his ability to provide for them.

At the same time you might want to help me the answer to those prayers. James said that there is nothing we can do that touches God’s heart more than to care for widows and orphans where they have need. The total need to get clothes and shoes for each child is $2,000.00, or $28.00 per child. If you’d like to help provide for one or more of these children you may do so through Lifestream. Not only is your gift tax-deductible, but we guarantee that every dollar given gets to Kenya. We don’t take out any money for administrative costs, or even bank fees to transfer those funds.

The children at Living Loved Education Center

We also need some new people to help carry the $3,000.00 monthly support for the orphanage, since contributions have been falling off a bit over time. We always make up the difference from other Lifestream resources, but it helps when other people share this with us. I’ve been blessed at the number of people who have helped us with this project and we need a few more. Hopefully over the next year we will also be able to help them finance a local industry or agricultural that can not only hire some of the people who need jobs, but whose profits can sustain the orphanage itself. We are still trying to find the right idea that will provide both.

If you feel called to help us support these children either with a one-time contribution, or a monthly donation, we (and they) would be grateful. If you want to know more about this project or the AIDs recovery home we also support in South Africa, you can see our Sharing With the World page at Lifestream. You can either donate with a credit card there, or you can mail a check to Lifestream Ministries • 1560 Newbury Rd, Ste 1 #313 • Newbury Park, CA 91320. Or if you prefer, we can take your donation over the phone at (805) 498-7774.