The Phenomenon of The Dones

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Living Loved • Winter 2016 Current Issue

The Phenomenon of The Dones

By Wayne Jacobsen

This article is also available in Spanish:  El fenómeno de los hasta aquí (the dones)

Sixty-five million Americans who were once regular attended a local congregation no longer do.About thirty-five million of those no longer self-identify as Christian, but over thirty-one million still do.This last group has been tagged “The Dones”, those who still seek to follow Jesus and find real community but have given up hope that the local congregation is still relevant to that journey.

What do we make of this phenomenon?As one who has spent twenty years helping people explore the life of Jesus beyond our conformity based system, here are some of my thoughts about helping people explore relationship with God and his people beyond our conformity based systems and how we might participate in this conversation in a way that champions the unity of all of God’s family.

The Secret is Out!

It won’t be a secret much longer: You don’t have to participate in a local congregation to live out a transforming relationship with Jesus, experience the wonder of Christian community, or to find meaningful ways to extend his kingdom in the world.

We’ve known for some time that people are leaving traditional congregations in droves.The statistics are irrefutable. Popular wisdom, and no small number of sermons told us that people who were not part of a congregation are not part of the church.Their salvation is suspect and they will whither away spiritually either because their spiritual passion would wane or they would get lost in the weeds of false teaching. And while that is true of some, researchers have now identified a large group of people who are thriving in their faith beyond the walls of any local congregation.

Dr. Josh Packard, calls them “The Dones,” in his book Church Refugees, The book is subtitled, “Sociologists reveal why people are done with church but not their faith” and helps us understand this heretofore unidentified group of believers. He describes the Dones as high-capacity people, who were deeply involved in their local fellowships until they become stifling to their own journey.For years they sought to help reform it, only to find their efforts and their passion stifled by a bureaucracy that resisted change.Finally, seeing no other way for their faith to survive, they made a conscious decision to leave the congregational model and find growth, fellowship and mission beyond it.

While many will celebrate the discovery that the church of Jesus Christ is broader and more robust than our local institutions can contain, others find the news disturbing and prefer to reject or ignore the study. In a recent webinar with the Dr. Packard much of the chat messages to the moderator expressed displeasure that they were giving voice to this research.Already one denominational bookstore chain has said they won’t carry the book, fearful of its influence on its congregations.

They either don’t believe its conclusions or want to ignore them as a threat to their own future. Because they define the church institutionally they can cast aspersions the faith of anyone who does not belong. That’s why many have responded to declining attendance by doubling-down on obligation to keep attending. Some religious leaders have a lot invested in marginalizing those who no longer participate in a local fellowship lest others follow them out the door.

Interestingly, Dr. Packard is not encouraging people to leave their local congregations.In fact, he attends one and hopes that this study will help pastors to innovate ways to engage their most capable members so they won’t feel the need to look elsewhere. Traditional congregations serve a valuable purpose where they teach people to live out their faith and where they incubate authentic community.

Twenty-five years ago I would have been shocked at this research myself. As a pastor, I thought our program essential to faith and saw people outside of it as bitter, lone rangers who were just miffed that they couldn’t get their way. One day through the betrayal of a close friend, I found myself for the first time outside the congregation. Of course I could have gone elsewhere, but found my heart hungering for a more authentic journey than any fellowship I’d been a part of was able to foster.And I discovered I was not alone and the others were not

That’s why Dr. Packard’s research does not come as a surprise to me.For the past two decades I’ve been living among those who have found a vibrant life in Jesus as well as community outside of any religious institution. They are passionate, caring, committed disciples who want to see the kingdom of God grow in the world. They have been scorned, condemned, and maligned by those who reject their faith simply because they stopped attending Sunday services.

If you care about the future of the church in the Western world, you’ll want to avail yourself of this book. Whether you are one of the Dones, or concerned about people leaving your congregation you’ll at least want to be understand why. My hope is that we will come to celebrate all the ways that Jesus is inviting people to himself and recognize the life of the church in its more informal settings as well as more formal ones.

The Labels that Divide Us

In a study called The Rise of the Nones, Pew Research put out their discovery a few years ago of a growing segment of the U.S. population that checks “none” as their religious preference instead of one of the historic faiths that people have identified with for centuries.

It was perhaps inevitable then that the rise of the “Nones” would give rise to the “Dones”, when it was discovered that there is a an increasing number of people living outside traditional “church” institutions who continue to grow in a relationship with Jesus and connect in meaningful ways with others.The Dones is the most recent label attached to them.They have been called revolutionaries, outside the box, free-range Christians, or the dechurched. Such labels serve the media’s need to talk about trends among specific groups and to market products inside those trends, but they really aren’t helpful to the work Jesus is doing in the world.

Our fallen nature constantly seeks to find identity and safety inside a tribe and labels are important to keep “my group” separate from “their group”.It works for sports teams, gangs, and even religious groups. Labels so easily polarize humanity into adversarial groups and especially with religious ones where we conclude that our group is not just different, but better.

So it’s not surprising that labels either flatter or denigrate depending on which tribe is talking. Sadly, most of this conversation about the Dones is either insiders talking to insiders about outsiders or outsiders talking to outsiders about insiders.For insiders terms like “dechurched”, or “church refugees” may seem fair but actually perpetuate the myth that religious institutions are the only reflection of Jesus’ church in the world. That is as unfortunate as it is untrue. Using “church” only for religious institutions is no minor slip. Most religious leaders want people to believe it so they won’t consider leaving too. Even many of the so-called Dones talk about having “left the church.”

Likewise those outside want to claim the titles that make them seem freer, more grace-based, or more powerful than their counterparts in more traditional settings.After George Barna published Revolution in 2006, those outside of traditional structures quickly latched on to it as evidence that they were more spiritually committed, and instead of opening a dialog for the whole family it only expanded the divide. I’m afraid “The Dones” will do the same thing if people wear it as a merit badge of deeper spirituality while others us it toquestion the sincerity of their faith.

Any title you wear be it pastor, best-selling author, or Done will do more to separate you from others, than it will help you recognize the incredible family that Jesus is building.Claiming a label works against his prayer that his Father would make us one. The community of the new creation levels our humanity—from hierarchy and from our narcissistic notions of being in a better group than others.We are all sons and daughters of a gracious Father and that’s all the identity we need. (Matt. 23)

But once again, we risk being divided into innies and outies as people and falling into the false dichotomy our flesh so craves.Whether you go to “a church” or whether you don’t is a distinction without a difference.What matters is whether people are following Jesus and being transformed by his love. What I hope comes out of this study of The Dones is those inside and those out recognize that the church is bigger than most of us would dare to believe and that his church takes expression wherever people engage each other with his love and purpose.

For those who claim that attendance at a local congregation is mandatory to be part of his church I hope they reconsider that false idea. Being part of his family is about following him not belonging to an institution. Over the last twenty years I’ve found incredible followers of Jesus both inside them and outside. I hope this research draws all those into a conversation where in and out becomes less important than loving and affirming his kingdom however it takes shape in the world.But it will take a significant number of voices across the Christian landscape to fight for a better conversation that include those.

Imagine my joy last week when I met with 25 pastors in Riverside County who wanted to discuss my book, Finding Church, and Dr. Packard’s research about “The Dones,” which will be profiled in his book, Church Refugees.Not only was I surprised that many were wiling to have the conversation, but also grateful everyone there approached it with graciousness and a desire to understand the trends we’re confronting today. There was no hostility for those differences, but a generosity to understand those who have left and appreciate their journeys as well.

I am convinced that people who truly know Jesus will want to reach across this divide, not exacerbate it. We don’t need identifying labels, especially ones that make us feels superior to others in the family. When Jesus becomes more important to us than finding identity in any particular tribe of it, then the conversations that most express his kingdom will grow in the world.Instead of demanding that others conform to our view of the church we will recognize her in the most surprising places as we find connection and fellowship with those who know the Jesus we know, even if they don’t follow the rituals we follow.

Then we won’t need labels to divide us.Brother, sister, and fellow saint will be more than enough and loving each other in a mutual celebration of Jesus himself will allow his church to flourish where we live.

Church Refugees is a Game Changer

If you read one book about the church this year, you’ll want to read Church Refugees. Dr. Josh Packard and Ashleigh Hope are sociologists and while researching the current trends of people’s church attendance made a surprising and unexpected discovery. They identified a significant number of Christians who no longer attend church services and yet are thriving in their spiritual life. They call them “the Dones” because they are done with the traditional congregation having felt it was stifling to their own spiritual journey.

To their surprise they discovered that most of them had not lost interest in their faith, faded out the back door, or preferred to watch football on Sundays. Instead they discovered them to be high-capacity Christians who were committed givers and deeply involved in leadership. They didn’t leave quickly or easily, having spent years trying to encourage change or simply find a way to get along. They eventually left because in all conscience they conclude that the way things are being done in their congregation threatens to compromise their faith. They sought community over judgment, mission over machinery, rich conversation over pat answers, and meaningful engagement with the world beyond moral prescriptions. While leaving is not easy as they suffered the judgments of former friends and colleagues they soon discover that there are plenty of resources for growth, meaningful connections with others on a faith journey, and ways to touch the world beyond the congregational system.

This book is a game-changer for how we perceive the church and understand those who no longer find our institutions helpful to their journey. It has the potential to obliterate the myth that our local institutions are the only or even the best way to engage the life of Jesus and his mission in the world.That’s not what the authors have in mind since they are both avid attenders themselves. They simply wanted to explore the phenomenon and seek to help congregations understand why these people are leaving and perhaps reconsider how to revitalize their institutions so they wouldn’t have to leave.

This is a compelling read that is hard to put down. The researchers mix their findings with first-hand stories from their respondents that will challenge whatever view you hold of the church. No doubt many will find it difficult to admit that passionate followers of Jesus are thriving outside our institutions, preferring the narrative that you can’t be a true Christian if you are not connected to a local congregation. The hungers, however, are real and if they won’t be served by our existing congregations people will look elsewhere. Obligation alone will not save these institutions.

For those who have already left you’ll find encouragement that you’re not alone in your desire for a more vibrant experience with God and his church and that it is possible to fulfill it in other ways. However, the terminology the authors use will make you cringe at times. Even the title, Church Refugees, is more than a little condescending to those who are no longer part of a traditional church. Calling them “The Dones” or the “Dechurched” doesn’t help either and you’ll find that language on almost every page.Just keep in mind this is a book by insiders, for insiders, about outsiders. It only uses “church” for institutional gatherings and posits those outside of such institutions as the “dechruched”. But it doesn’t dismiss them or the sincerity of their faith. I’ve not been an active participant in an institutional church for over 20 years, but I don’t consider myself a church refugee or that I am dechurched. I have never been more alive and engaged with the church Jesus is building in the world in so many expressions outside our traditional congregations. The church in Scripture was never a religious institution with weekend services and top-heavy bureaucracies. The church is the family Jesus is building in the earth and it cannot be contained or managed in any human organization. While it can take expression there, it can also take shape in many ways beyond it.

This may be the most important church book written in this decade. Whether you like what their research shows or not, Packard and Hope have done us all a service by giving us an accurate picture of the religious landscape rather than relying on our biases or experiences. What we do with them will have great impact on our engagement with the church.

If you share the hunger of the Dones but still hold hope for our Christian institutions, it will help you be a voice for change so those hungers can be served instead of frustrated. If you’ve found it necessary to leave you’ll find great encouragement in knowing there are others finding opportunities for growth, deep fellowship and mission beyond the programs of our congregations.

Hopefully it will help us all see the church as a bigger reality than our human conventions can contain, and affirm that what’s most important is whether or not people are following Jesus, not which building they go to on Sunday morning, or even if they go to one at all.

Why People Are Leaving

What does it take for someone to leave a congregation of people they have loved and served alongside often for decades?Why would they suddenly break away from close friends and lifetime traditions to wander into a lonely and uncertain future only to be accused of being selfish, bitter, or rebellious?

Except that it generally isn’t sudden at all, and not at all what they had hoped for.Yes, there came a time when they stopped attending, but none of “The Dones” I’ve met over the past twenty years left easily or suddenly.In fact most have wrestled with the decision for years in the face of some concern or unmet hunger.Initially they thought others around them would resonate with their passion, or be grateful if they identifie a problem that needed attention. To their shock, they found their repeated attempts to discuss their concerns or hopes fell on unsympathetic ears.

Try as they might to bring positive changes, they only meet resistance and eventually disrespect and frustration.“That’s not the way we do things around here.”Many give up trying to convince others, but their hunger continues to until sitting in the congregation becomes painful.After years of struggle they finally feel they have no other choice but to follow their hunger instead of quietly going along.As much as they want to stay with people they care so much about they find they can no longer participate in meetings that have become a detriment to their spiritual passions.

While the process is similar for most that I know, the reasons can be quite different.Recently I asked people on my Facebook page what it was that finally made it clear that they needed to leave their congregation.I got over a hundred responses from people that were consistent with the thousands of stories I have heard over the last two decades.

  • Forty-two percent said they were worn out by the machinery and the need to serve it.Some of that is burn-out from having to do more than they had time or energy for, but for most it means that the cost it exacted wasn’t worth the fruit it produced. Rarely does anyone say the congregation was all bad except in the most abusive cases.Mostly they say the demands of the congregation began to displace their passion for Jesus and that scared them.
  • Twenty-three percent said they no longer respected the leadership, either because they were dishonest, demanding or manipulative. This didn’t result from a bad confrontation or two, but a series of experiences that consistently eroded their trust and respect.
  • Twenty percent they simply hungered for more authentic relationships, feeling the ones they had were too superficial or governed by pat answers instead of people really getting to know them and wanting to walk alongside them in their joys and struggles.
  • Twelve percent wanted more of Jesus and his life than their congregation offered.The focus seemed to be on things other than helping people learn to experience the fullness of life in him.
  • Three percent reported no dissatisfaction at all, but simply felt led by the Spirit to move onto a different stage of their journey.

Of course my pool of respondents did not include those gave up on God when they gave up on their church. Many do, seeing the failures of their institutions or its leaders as proof that God doesn’t exist, or if he does, at least isn’t engaged with them. It’s a tragic legacy of systems that often do more to perpetuate programs than demonstrate Father’s affection.

But for every person that has left, be they pastor or parishioner, there are others who are thinking about it and second-guess that decision every time they sit through another meeting that doesn’t address their deepest hungers.Many stay because of the relationships , others out of obligation no matter how painful it becomes. Actually they are “done” too, attending in body only and with decreasing frequency and it is only a matter of time before they stop as well.

Simply put, most of “The Dones” left because their spiritual passion could no longer be fulfilled where they were.So what may look like someone just walked out one day isn’t true.It is almost always a long, protracted process that even they resisted until they could do so no longer and still be true to the Spirit’s call inside them.

The process is hard on everyone. In the first few months many of those who leave are racked with guilt and second-guess their decision frequently especially if it is difficult to find others on the outside who share their hungers.And it’s hard on those they leave behind, who often feel rejected by those who leave.Harsh words and judgments are exchanged as each side seeks to convince themselves they are doing what’s right and want to convince the others for their own validation.Nothing will destroy friendships faster and lead to animosity and hurt that will spread throughout the community.

Those who have left are not your enemy. If they were your friends before, wouldn’t they still be your friend now even if you think are concerned for them? Wouldn’t loving each other be vastly more important than how we gather or don’t gather on a Sunday morning?Maybe if we were less threatened by their hunger we could celebrate their to find an environment more meaningful to their faith.

Certainly some who leave find their way back when they can’t find the community they are looking for.Most, however, after a year or two begin to find themselves connecting to others who share their hunger for more authentic and generous community in small groups or growing friendships without the need or expense of sustaining the machinery. They spend more time in conversations that nurture their faith and less time planning meetings and maintaining structures.

People who lose hope that the institutional model can provide a lifetime environment for community and growth may not be the death knell for the vitality of the church; maybe they are the hope that there’s more than one way the church takes expression in the world.

Your Attendance Is Not Required

I’m growing convinced that much of Christianity has become a human religion loosely based on the teachings of Jesus, while missing the point of them all.

Every week now I get links to blogs and articles of various pastors giving the 5, 8, or 12 reasons everyone needs to attend a local church each week. To prove their point, however, they have to make some of the most ridiculous statements that have no grounding in the life or character of Jesus. These conclusions are not just misguided, but actually destructive to people who want to grow in his life and joy.

This is not a personal judgment against them. I’m sure many of them are fine people, only trying to do what they feel called to. I also appreciate that this is a scary time for them as so-called church attendance is on the decline. The idea that someone can actually grow in their relationship with God, experience the life of the church, and share his mission in the world without being part of their congregation has to be a scary reality. Many don’t even want to acknowledge it is even possible, so they double down on the language of obligation and accountability. In doing so, however, they twist the Gospel so that it is no longer recognizable and all that’s left is for people to obey what they are told by leadership whose success and livelihood depend on that obedience.

There are many good reasons to gather regularly with other believers and share the journey of faith. It’s just that all those gatherings are not going on in Sunday morning services shackled by the bureaucracy of a religious system that often does more stifle spiritual growth rather than stimulate it. Many have found more engaging ways to share the life of the church beyond the walls of traditional congregations and telling them they must attend a normal service, falls on deaf ears once they’ve discovered that it isn’t true.

So if they hope guilt and obligation will win these people back or scare the ones they have into remaining, they are not only fighting a losing battle but disfiguring God and distorting the Gospel to do it. The life of the church is not found in obligation but in the joy of affection and transformation. Trying to discount the salvation of those who leave in hopes of reigning back in the faithful will continue backfire.

In the latest article I read Nathan Rose, a Missouri pastor in the Southern Baptist denomination says that skipping “church” meetings is dangerous to your health. He gives five reasons why in a recent article he wrote, Five Spiritual Dangers of Skipping Church:

  1. “You will miss out on God’s primary design for your spiritual growth and well-being.” What in the ministry of Jesus leads him to the conclusion that God’s primary means to grow to spiritual maturity is to attend a church service weekly, when he never conducted one himself, never taught his disciples how to do so, and assigned the task for our growth to the Holy Spirit who would dwell in us and guide us to all truth? When the Samaritan woman asked Jesus where she should worship, he made it clear that location is not the issue.What matters is that we do so in spirit and in truth. Living in the Father’s affection and responding to his Spirit within us is God’s primary design for our growth and well-being, not sitting in a pew on Sunday morning.
  2. “You disobey God.”As many do, Rose pulls out Hebrews 10:24-25 saying that the counsel “not to neglect to meet together,” is a command that can only be fulfilled in a weekly church service.It’s dishonest on the face of it. This is the only Scripture pastors have to seek to compel “church attendance” and it is misused at that. This passage wasn’t written to believers skipping out on church services, but to people under persecution who were wondering if avoiding association with each other would make it more difficult for the authorities to find them. The writer is telling them they have more to gain by the encouragement they have from each other than going it alone. Most Sunday services don’t even allow people to encourage each other, since the focus is on the platform. Hebrews 20 is not talking about attending a meeting; it is about staying connected to others and not trying to make it alone. Honestly many of our institutions today do more to inhibit that connection than encourage it.
  3. “You make a statement to the world that God is not worthy of worship…, which is the attitude and conduct of unbelievers, not God’s people.” So if you don’t come to “worship” you are no longer one of God’s people. The judgment here is frightful. Worship is not a song service or a sermon, but a live lived in God’s reality and his affection. How we see him and how we love and respect others either brings glory to him or disfigures him. Sitting in a pew on Sunday morning is not a statement of how important worship is to you unless that’s the only way you understand worship and then you are spiritually impoverished the rest of the week. Our lives worship him whether we’re on the job, enjoying his creation, or serving someone in need.
  4. “You can’t minister to anyone.” Really? All the ministry that God wants to do in the world can only happen under a steeple on Sunday morning? That would be laughable if it weren’t so tragic. Jesus never ministered in a “service,” but on the street where he encountered people. Real service is not sitting in a pew so others can hear you sing and you can show support for the pastor. Ministry is about loving and helping people you know or come across as you go through life. They can be in your neighborhood, at work, in school, or across the world.
  5. “You skip out on a foretaste of heaven.” If Sunday morning services were really a foretaste of heaven, no one would want to miss them and you wouldn’t have to obligate them to be there. In many cases it’s just a repeated formula often laced with guilt and condemnation, as was the entire piece written by Rose.

What bothers me most is not that they want people to come to “their church”, but that they see obligation as the reason. They make the same mistake the Galatians made.By turning the promise of God into an obligation they distort the gospel, twisting the joy of an invitation into God’s life into demands and threats. It has the underlying psychology of “misery loves company.”We are not here because we enjoy it and God works in us, but because God says we have to.Please!The kingdom is the pearl of great price, not the castor oil of spiritual maturity.

Paul, the apostle, encourage us to live in freedom and let “no one” defraud us by telling us where we should go, what we should eat, or what we should wear. People who try to tell you what you should do, rather than equipping you to live fully and freely in Jesus, have lost connection with the Head.

I honestly feel sorry for those who can’t see the reality of Christ’s church beyond their own congregation or the congregational model itself. They would perhaps do better to take an honest look why people who were committed members of their congregation found it necessary to leave. Badgering them with accusations and demands will never fulfill the work of the kingdom. Maybe it is time for them to ask just how much their gatherings reflect God’s nature and reality. Those congregations who honestly seek to help people live in the reality of Jesus’ freedom and transformation need not be threatened that Jesus is also working outside their borders.

In fact if they put his kingdom first, they will rejoice that he does.

I’m looking for 35 Million People

Nothing breaks my heart more than meeting someone who invested years of their life in religious service and for some reason never discovered how real God is and how deeply he loves them.

The latest research by Josh Packard, author of Church Refugees, shows there are thirty-five million Americans who have left their religious institution and abandoned their belief in God at the same time. I’m fine with them leaving. Religious institutions can often impede our spiritual growth rather than encourage it. Nearly thirty-one million other Americans have left their religious institution and continued to explore what it means to know God and share his life in the world.

But for those who left not knowing a God worth loving, my heart goes out to you.That means despite all the all the meetings you attended, prayers you offered, and good deeds you have done, you never came face to face with the most endearing Presence in the universe. You never recognized his voice wooing you, or recognized his hand at work in your life.

I understand why you would miss that. Insecure religious leaders who try to rule with an iron fist or simply don’t know him themselves, and legalistic religious traditions that substitute rules and rituals for helping connect people to the transcendent God, can be barriers to the very faith people want to explore.Some say you can’t have God without religion; it’s a package deal. If you want to be one of his you have to jump through someone’s hoops to prove your sincerity.

But those who say so are usually trying to build or sustain an institution for their own purposes. It isn’t true. While some congregations can be very helpful in helping people discover God’s reality, many others are a deterrent. Jesus didn’t start an institution, or a religion, for that matter.He came to reveal to us what it would be like to live in his Father’s reality—how his love would change us and how our loving others in the world would let his kingdom unfold around us.

That’s why the Apostle Paul didn’t try to win people with “wise and persuasive words”, because he didn’t want peoples faith to “rest on human wisdom, but on God’s power.” If your spiritual passion was only based on following someone else’s teachings it wasn’t meant to last anyway. It was always going to fail you.

So I’m looking for you

If I could sit down to lunch with any of these thirty-five million people, this is what I would want you to know:

  • Realize religious obligation is a conformity-based system that operates by fear and manipulation and that’s why it could not promote the love of God growing in your heart. But don’t give up. Look elsewhere, mostly with someone who already knows him.Walking with God as he really is, is the greatest treasure life offers.
  • Separate the failures of religion and religious leaders from the reality of God. Jesus did. The Pharisees had God wrong, which is why they didn’t understand his love for sinners, or his refusal to conform to their traditions. It is why they killed him.
  • Consider the possibility that you were given a disfigured view of God especially if you’ve come to see him as an angry tyrant wanting to rule the world through terror. He is actually a gracious Father who loves you more than anyone else on this planet ever has or ever will.
  • Recognize where God is already reaching out to you. That voice inside your head that invites you away from the anxieties of this life is his drawing you to himself. Those transcendent moments when you knew you were not alone in the universe and that Someone endearing holds you and this world in his hands were his doing, nudging you toward the relationship he desires with you.
  • God has not been the cause of your best friend dying, or financial difficulties, and your disappointments in life.He wasn’t punishing you or them for some broken place in their lives. This world is out of sync with its Creator and the effects of that touch us all with sin, sickness, and pain.God is not its cause. He’s the rescuer in the story, inviting us away from the mayhem and into the knowing of him.
  • Ask him to reveal himself to you and to send you someone who can help you learn to follow him.

All that Jesus said was true. There is a place for you to be at home in God, and for God to be at home in you.

Seven Markers That Will Help You When You’re Done

A Thrival Guide for Those Who Find Themselves Outside of Conventional Congregations

According to the latest research people are leaving the local church congregation in droves. Many do so questioning whether God even exists, but many others continue to passionately follow Jesus convinced that the institution they belonged to was at odds with the spiritual passion growing in their heart. They may not have even understood why, but something inside continued to draw them toward a more authentic relationship with Jesus and a freer environment to share his life and love with others.

Many who have given up on the traditional congregation were once leaders, volunteers, and major contributors. They grew weary of the programs and expectations that neither encouraged their journey nor cultivated the kind of community they sought.Leaving is never easy and most do it only when other options are exhausted.

Finding yourself outside the congregational model can be incredibly disorienting for a season.Family and former friends question your faith or make you feel guilty with accusations of bitterness or selfishness.All the markers you used to gauge your spiritual health no longer make sense. Some question their own sanity and even more so as they are increasingly isolated from the only friends they’ve ever had.

If you’ve left your congregation for similar reasons, what do you do now? As I’ve watched people go through this transition the ones who navigate it most freely begin to embrace a different set of realities, which not only allow them to survive outside a local congregation, but actually thrive in learning to follow him, in sharing fellowship with others, and in being part of God’s purpose in the world.

First, take your time. You’ve been invited on an amazing journey that will take years to sort out. Many people rush to join another congregation or start their own house group to fill the void but only end up recreating what they had left. Resist the urge to find another group right away or create one. This is a season to draw closer to God and let him fill the void. There will be time for more connections later when it’s not a response to a driven need, but a freedom to embrace the gift of community that God wants to give you.

Second, don’t force your journey on others.You don’t have to tell people, “I’ve left the church” or judge as less spiritual those who still go. This isn’t about judging others or making outlandish conclusions about the future you can’t begin to sort out yet.Simply follow Jesus however he leads you and be gently honest with those who ask you why you’re not doing the things you used to. Remember, you’re the one whose changed here, they are just doing the things you’ve always done, believing they are obligated to do so.They will be threatened by the change you’re making, and you can help disarm that by letting them have their own journey. Don’t try to change them, or to fix them. You can’t until the Spirit awakens the same hunger in them that he has in you.

Third, lose your need to be validated by others. Religion works by establishing a set of expectations and rewarding those who conform and punishing those who do not. The greatest freedom in this journey is to let Jesus to break that cycle so that you can find your identity in his love for you. Trying to convince others how right you are will only harden them and destroy your friendship with them. Trying to justify yourself will not allow you to love others nor will it lead you to the freedom from the tyranny of other people’s opinions of you.Be gracious to all and let his affirmation of your life and experience be all the validation you need.

Fourth, learn the beauty and rhythms of love.Following ritual and rules that others demand of you is still following law, even if we call them “New Testament principles.” God doesn’t transform us through obligation or meeting the expectations of others. The reason why many of us grew frustrated in religious settings is because they made promises to us they couldn’t fulfill. The harder we tried the emptier we felt. God has been inviting you to live in a new creation where his love transforms us in the deepest part of our soul. Over this season you’ll learn to see through the manipulation of obligation, accountability, guilt, and fear and into a different rhythm that will allow you to live more at rest, aware of others, and free from the pressures of this age.Instead of doing what others think you should do, you’ll be freer to discern his work in you and find yourself embracing the realities of grace, forgiveness, freedom, and generosity. It all begins as you ask him to show you how deeply loved by God you are, then let him show you. This is the trailhead that will lead you to greater freedom and fullness.

Fifth, watch your trust in him grow. Many are surprised to discover how much of their religious life was driven by fear—of God punishing them, of going astray, of what others will think, or of failure. As you are more in touch with his love and delight in you, even when you’re struggling or doubting, you’ll find that your trust in his goodness will begin to grow. You’ll realize he’s for you, not against you and that your own efforts were never going to produce his life in you. Now you’ll discover the joy of cooperating with his work in you and find yourself more relaxed, more aware of his nudges and insight, and less inclined toward destructive and hurtful actions. When Paul talked about the righteousness that comes from trust, this is what he was talking about. Where we trust him we won’t try to save ourselves or force our way. Now we can know what it is to be content in him whatever life brings to us because he is walking with us through it.

Sixth, cultivate friendships with others. God’s love working in you will free you to love each person God puts in front of you. Take an interest in them, whether they already know God or not, and watch as they begin to pen up with their concerns, struggles, and joys. Look for ways to encourage them as God gives you insight to do so. Get to know people you already know from work, school, or your neighborhood. Contact people in your address book and take them out to lunch. Where the relationship becomes relaxed, authentic and mutual, make time for those friendships to grow so his community can take shape around you.

Seventh, let God expand your view of his church. Most people think of the church as a specific group or meeting at a set time and place and if you’re not there you are not part of his church. They are made to feel guilty and isolated as others withdraw from them. It’s easy to feel as if you’re the only one weary of the religious institution. But you’re not. The latest research shows you are one in about 31 million adults in America who do not belong a local congregation but are still actively looking to follow Christ, which is about the same number of people who do belong. That means one in every seven adults are on a similar journey to yours and there are 7 million who are “almost dones” who still attend but are there in body only. Does that mean the church is failing?Only if we look at our human attempts to manage it. What you’ll discover is that Jesus’ church was never meant to be an institution, but a growing family who are learning to walk with him and who are learning to share his life and love with others. Real community flows from friendships not meetings, which is why Jesus spent time with the people in his life in more informal settings. As we come to see his church as a reality outside of human control, then you can embrace her reality however she takes shape in the relationships and connections around you.

Learning to live in his freedom and joy is the fruit of a process that takes a significant period of time in our lives. Don’t rush the process.Learn to embrace him and relax in the process and you will discover that “something more” that your heart has been seeking.You’ll find yourself in meaningful conversations that will deepen your own faith and encourage others to find more reality in theirs.

It is my hope that those who are done with religious institutions, don’t go off and create their own, but learn to live differently in the world and then be able to see the church Jesus is building taking shape right around them.

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Why I Travel…

Behind the Scenes /

In a few hours I’ll depart for Orange County, CA and complete my last trip of the year there adding La Habra and Irvine to Toledo, Atlanta, Greenville, Orlando, Daytona Beach, Orange City, Sarasota, West Palm Beach, Denver, Loveland, Richmond, Riverside, South Lake Tahoe, Barcelona, Azille, Nimes, Fresno, Shaver Lake, Vancouver, Indianapolis, Walnut Creek, Prince Edward Island, Raymond, Millbury, Wichita, Chicago, Beloit, Jaynesville, Pittsburgh, and Millersburg, as some of the places I’ve visited this year.  In each of them I’ve been warmly received and generously cared for. Sara went on many of these trips with me, but many I went on alone because at times God has it for us to be in different parts of the world at the same time.

I’m often asked why I travel? If you know me well, you know I don’t enjoy most of what travel requires. I’ve never desired to see the world or enjoyed sitting on long airplaine flights. I don’t like being away from Sara and the family and friends we have in our lives. I wouldn’t do it to sell books, be a star at conferences, or to hold seminars. I do it simply because I sense that Jesus asks me to and the joy of that comes when I see lives touched and encouraged into more spacious places of God’s life. It’s part of seeing his kingdom grow in the world as I get to help people process their journey, learning to live in Father’s affection and connecting to others near them on similar journeys. In every one of those places above I have left good friends behind, even after knowing them for a few days. I love the people I get to spend time wtih and am honored by their stories and struggle to live deeply in the life of Jesus in a world that seeks to distract us from it.  

Sitting in a gathering in Trafford, PA on my last trip someone joked about me signing the plastic cloth on the table and the result is pictured above left. Yes, there were a lot of people around that table who had been deeply touched by some of my writings and podcasts and the conversation was robust, enlightening and heart-warming. Yes, I was there, but more importantly, when I leave I know that Jesus is still there. When I got back from this last trip, I found a note waiting for me that sums up why I travel better than anything I could say, and what I hope happens in people’s hearts when I do:

I am so thankful my friends invited me to come talk with you this week…I had no preconceived notions of who you were or what this event would be like, but considering the traumatic events I’ve gone through in the recent past, I still had some fears that you would treat me like the majority of other Christians in my life. I am so thankful you did the exact opposite – you showed me Jesus…but also you showed me a human who isn’t Jesus and you don’t pretend to be his twin or understudy.  Thank you for not being anything but who you are.  I am very quick to see the best in people when I have obviously been horrifically burned before in that department…but I have to learn how to trust in a SAFE, wise fashion eventually, so why not start with you?

If that’s what people get out of my visits, then I am deeply blessed. I don’t live this journey flawlessly but I hope to reflect enough of his light and life that others are encouraged in their own journey of learning to live in his reality. That fruit alone is enough reason to take this on the road when he asks.

Two others expressed similar gratefulness for our connection.  

“You reflect our Fathers love quite well, which might explain us acting like a bunch of fun-loving kids!”

“Thank you is too small a word to express how grateful we are to God for bringing you into our lives.  To have a brother to be able to visit with like we do with you is priceless…  We love how Father made your beautiful heart.”

I love what God does when he brings people together. I dont’ know where I’ll go next year. I’m still praying about what he might have in mind. In all honesty, however, I’ve had to declare bankruptcy on my travel invitations. I probably am not able to go to half the places I’m invited to and my list of invitations has gotten long and some on it are from a long time ago. So if you’ve invited me to come your way in the past, and we have not had any exchange about it in the last six months, please let me know again so I know there is still an interest and a purpose to my coming.

I’m amazed at how many people do this, especially when I don’t do many conferences or speaking events. I simply enjoy hanging out for a few days talking about this amazing journey and helping people process things they’ve heard or read from me. It also gives an opportunity for people in the same area who are hungry for similar things to connect. I’ve introduced a lot of people to others who became good friends.  I am often asked what it takes to get Wayne Jacobsen to visit somewhere. It simply takes an invitation and a wilingness to facilitate an opportunity for people to come together. There’s no manual for doing this. Mostly I meet with people in homes, garages, shops, or stores, wherever we can find a place for people to come and share part of a day together. If those people can help with my travel expenses and time away, that’s awesome. If they can’t, I know God will have other ways to take care of it.  

So the real heros are those that invite me to come, find a place for us to gather, communicate with those who want to come, and coordinate whatever refreshments and food we might share. Without them none of this would happen.  I am so grateful for all my hosts over the years. Their graciousness opens a wide door for others to be touched. Thank you so much for being part of his kingdom growing in the world…

 

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To My Sisters Raised in Captivity

6 Comments / Culture Watch /

Warning: this article may be sexually explicit to some.  While I think it is fine for teens, other parents may feel differently.  Parental discretion is advised.

I know it’s hard to believe in this day and age. After 50 years of discussing women’s rights in our culture, there are still those who believe that women are subservient to men and that they must hide their bodies under loose and drab clothing so as not to cause men to stumble into lust.  Anything she does to make herself attractive is an in intentional act to stimulate men around her.  They are even told to cover their elbows because some men confuse them with breasts. All of this is in the name of Christianity.

Men are also told that to look at an attractive woman once is an accident, but to look too long or to sneak a second peak is lustful, which is the same as sin as adultery.  They are not even allowed drive dualies, pickups with double rear tires (Google it!) because to some people they can resemble a woman’s pelvis and that, too, will cause men to sin.

Really? Yes, really! I learned these things on my recent trip to Ohio and I’ll be honest, such teachings and practices really make me grieve over the repression this puts on women and how it makes sexuality creepy. Who makes these rules, anyway, except sexually frustrated men and women who think sex is dirty?

Over the past three years I’ve spent a lot of time with people coming out of religious groups that distort the teachings of Scripture to create an environment where women are required to dress and act in ways that won’t challenge men’s authority or provoke their sexual appetites.  I’ve listened at length to the damage this has done to them and my heart goes out to any who were raised according to these teachings. They are cruel, abusive, and rise from the pits of hell, not the instruction of Scripture. They crush the very core of how God made women to demonstrate his glory in the world.

Almost all of this thinking is built on the misapplication of two Scriptures: Paul’s admonishment for women to dress modestly (1 Timothy 2:9) and Jesus’ declaration that looking on a woman with lust is the same as committing adultery (Matthew 5:28).

In the first instance, Paul is talking to women to consider modesty in their dress and the context has as much to do with flouting their wealth as it does sexual provocation. But Paul doesn’t define what that modesty is, trusting the Spirit to write his ways onto their hearts not religious leaders to enforce their code of conduct. Most women know the difference between dressing as a lady and cheapening themselves in crude attempts to gain attention, but just because a women’s manner of dress provokes jealousy in some women or lust in a man doesn’t mean she’s being immodest. Their brokenness is not her standard.  It’s between her and God to sort out how she presents herself and all will eventually discover that true beauty is inside the person, not on the outside.

In the second instance, Jesus’ words do not blame the cause of the lustful look, but the lust itself. He wasn’t trying to expand their guilt for lust they didn’t act on, but helping them to understand that their freedom from it comes from inside not outside. Lust rises from a broken place in the human heart, not from a top cut too low, pants too tight, or a skirt too short. Our hope for healing is found in him and how he views people around us, not by removing all temptation around us.

We’ve raised too many young men who think that an arousing glance is the same as lust, multiplying their guilt and shame and their fixation on sex. But most men are not an elbow sighting away from full-fledged lust, and if someone is, that is the fault of their twisted appetites not you. Sexual desire is not lust. Lust is an obsession for sexual gratification with another outside of marriage. Sexuality is a gift God gave humanity and should be celebrated not distained. Trying to ignore an attractive woman, especially when she’s gone to so much effort to make herself beautiful is absurd. Appreciating beauty in the creation whether it’s a waterfall, sunset, or a woman is part of our human experience and God’s grace. Don’t make it dirty and don’t load yourself up on guilt because an attractive person catches your eye. Someone can draw your attention, without driving your lust.

I realize I’m writing this at a time when sex has been devalued by a careless and over-indulgent culture. We cheapen it by making it easily accessible, encase it in the fake thrill of pornography, and view it only as the gratification of a craving and not the most powerful expression of marital celebration and unity between a committed couple. You do not make love to an available body you can’t resist, but to celebrate the unity of the one you deeply love and with whom you share all of life.

But asking women to bear the responsibility for sexual brokenness is not only is unfair but also has never worked. Men who grow up around women dressed in drab are no less curious about sexuality and are often more fixated on it because it’s the constant focus.  Notice it is only the women who are forced to dress out of step with culture, even though most of the lust issues seem to reside in men. Our distorted view of repentance and forgiveness allows a man to confess his failures and feel forgiven enough in the next moment to lord over women to do his bidding. They demand women not to do anything that might incite even one man to an impure thought. How disgustingly convenient, and no wonder some women in these cultures grow up feeling dirty just for being a woman.

One of the saddest emails I’ve received came last week from a woman living in the regret of having raised her children this way: “We have eight children and the grief of raising them legalistically is overwhelming.  I simply do not know how to live this life or love them well. I live in constant, exhausting fear. I dread the dawn and wonder how I will get through the rest of my days. I am 60 now. For all the talk of God and His love, I rarely seem to fully trust him. Seeing my kids making decisions that bring pain-filled, long-term consequences is more that I can bear. The world seems so dark to me, and I feel so stupid in my parenting and in my living.”

I want this woman and all like her to know that there is no mistake so big God can’t overcome it and that it is vitally important for you and your family to walk in the growing joy of his freedom, not the regrets of the past. At the same time this is a sad reminder of how deeply these religious lies oppress us all, but to also admit that they oppresses women a hundred times worse. They have been blamed for man’s indiscretions and forced to repress themselves in deference to it. It has destroyed many a woman and it’s time to speak up on their behalf. If you’re awakening to a richer relationship with Jesus and find these views to demean you as a person and restrict you’re freedom in Christ, good for you! It’s time for men to stand up for women, not to them, and cheer them on to increasing freedom.

Here’s what I would like women raised in this captivity to know:

First and foremost, I’m so sorry that your passion to know God and follow him was exploited by false leaders and teachers to make you diminish yourself and the gift God made you to be in the world. I am sorry for the repression you suffered because others made you the focus of their sin. I wish there were some way to make up for all the years wasted under religious oppression, but there is none except to help you untangle the web of lies about God, men, sexuality, and yourself that will allow you to find the freedom God has for you now and end this cycle of destructive behavior in your family with this generation.

Second, reconsider with God every conclusion you’ve made about your womanhood and femininity and discover the joyful delight of being the beloved daughter of an affectionate Father.  Talk it over with God and each other as you sort out what’s true and not true about the way you were raised. The truth will set you free in ways you may not even begin to imagine yet.

Third, never again believe that you are a second-class citizen of God’s kingdom. You have wisdom to share with the rest of us and are not more prone to deception because of Eve’s failure. The piece you add to the body of Christ through your insights, personality, and story provide critical facets of God’s reflection no one else can offer.  Be the you God created so you can enrich his church in the world.

Fourth, your body is not disgusting and you don’t need to hide it in shapeless drab in the fear of inciting lust in men. If you’ve come to believe there’s something dirty about the way God made you, ask him to show you differently.  Learn to celebrate the body and the life God gave you, not the way the world does through exploitation and excess, but in letting God be fully glorified in all of you. If men around you struggle with lust, that is their problem, not yours and don’t let them put it back on you.

Fifth, don’t beat yourself up for not seeing through all this earlier, or even raising your children in it. It may have been all you knew and you thought you were doing God’s work.  Now that you know you weren’t, forgive yourself and let God make you an example and voice of freedom to share with your family. It may take awhile, but your freedom and transformation may rescue your family from these lies.

Sixth, you are not under the headship of your father until you marry, or a pastor to protect you. The only covering you need is Christ alone. Subservience to the males in your life is not Godly; it’s religious bondage that will tear you apart.  Women do not need a male covering to lord over them. They need to know men who are willing to lay down their lives, as Jesus did, and create a safe place for them to explore all Father has for them.

Seventh, live free inside that which love teaches you to do. Transformation is a process and it may come slowly especially with other people in play. I respect women who know their liberty from these things, but for the love of their husbands lay down some of that freedom as God coaxes him along as well.  But this has to be an act of love, led by God, not of fear or staying captive.

And what about the men?  I realize those from this environment have also suffered with this preoccupation with sexual appetites and desires.  You’ve been damaged too with distorted views of women, sexuality, and shame that make it almost impossible for you to see God’s love for you in a sea of guilt about sexual temptation.  Ask God to set you free as well, but never forget what this has done to your sisters is far more destructive than what has happened to you. Stop using God as an excuse to control the women in your life and become a champion for their freedom and liberty.

For those of you raised in the captivity of men’s misplaced lust it is past time for you to discover your freedom. He made you in his image and wants to set you free from all the lies that have controlled you and demeaned you. Many of us are rooting for you to come into the full glory of being his beloved and letting your light shine in the world.

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How Healing Grows

4 Comments / Growing in Trust /

I love when healing comes suddenly, quickly and completely. God does that, but not nearly as often as many seem to think. This false expectation may be the result of too many altar calls where people come forward for prayer in hope that that alone will fix the probelm. Many go away feeling better, but when they wake up the next morning with the same brokenness they end up condemning themselves for not believing enough or going back home and “losing their healing”.

This theme kept coming up in many of the conversations I had on my last trip. I met so many people disappointed, confused, and frustrated that they can’t seem to find the freedom in God they so desperately seek. As I listened, however, It seemed so many of them were caught up in the expectation of immediacy and missing the progress God was making in their heart and mind. Any evidence of the ongoing struggle seemed to sidetrack them, assuming God was not at work. Instead of growing in hope, they give in to despair because their healing wasn’t immediate and it caused them to wonder if God was neglecting them or if they were preventing it somehow.

As I’ve watched many people come to greater freedom and emotional healthy over the years, I am more convinced than ever that for most people healing is a process. That’s because God is not just taking a problem away, he’s transforming how we think and live from the inside. Most pain comes from within us, not the circumstance we blame it on. Those circumstances may have started it, but it lives on in us because of our unworthy thoughts about God our ourselves. Healing comes by transforming our false thoughts about him and ourselves, or freeing us from the false security we get from some of our coping mechanisms.  And that takes time.

So rather than get discouraged when it isn’t completed yet, we can continue to embrace him in the transforming process that will not only bring us freedom, but a transformed way to live as well.

What I look for in this process is not immediacy, but growing freedom. So however your brokenness is exposed, either by anxiety, distress, fear, hurt, bad memories, hurtful feelings or anything else, just keep leaning into God’s reality. As you do you’ll find the pain…

  • will grow less intense,
  • then will last a shorter duration,
  • and finally we will find longer gaps between those cycles of pain.

Converesely, you will find times of joy growing in the same way.  Moments of joy and freedom…

  • will come more often,
  • then they will last longer,
  • and finally they will grow more real.

That’s what the renewing of the mind actually looks like. I’ve been through this process with a number of people and it is always a joy to watch.  If they are only focused on it ending, they will never see it and grow more and more discouraged. If they can see the process, which is where cheerleading friends and spouses come in, then they will be encouraged by the process until times of pain become increasingly distant and eventually impotent.

How we help is by being less obsessed with our own healing, by learning to enjoy him each day and seeing what he has for us rather than trying to get him to do what we want. Then we will be able to trust him to complete it in the best possible way and be able to cooperate with him.

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An Audience of One

Encouragement /

Sara and I saw a movie recently about two national figures who had acted honorably even though most people didn’t think so. They were the victims of false assumptions and accusations by people who didn’t know what was true or didn’t care. Instead of being celebrated as the heroes they were, they were vilified by the media and others. Neither had the platform to clear up the misconceptions.

At the end of the movie they are sitting together on a plane and one turns to the other and said that he didn’t do what others thought he had done. The other looked into his eyes and said, “I know.  But the only thing that matters is that you know.”

It is so easy to take our identity from what others think of us, and what may be said about us in social media. As one who has had a lot of negative things said about him  based on assumptions and sometimes outright lies, I was touched by this movie. My heart was warmed as I was reminded that what others think doesn’t matter. We are not who people think we are and it only matters what we know to be true.

But I would add something greater still. Not only do we know, but God knows as well and doesn’t that make an even bigger difference? Of all the ugly things said and written about me the ones that hurt the most are the lies told by those I thought were close friends—people I have loved and served at personal cost. Nothing amazes me more than that another human being would chose a lie over a friendship, but it happens. Even there, when someone lies and others around them don’t know the truth, it is more than enough that God knows.

Perhaps nothing is a better indication of what I’m living for. If I’m frustrated by the lies and misunderstandings of others, then I’m probably staking my identity on what others think of me. Instead of being real, I will try to provide an image that wins their approval. But when I’m living to God and not the notoriety of the crowd or the accolades of media, then it matters not at all that others misunderstand or don’t even know. Knowing that he knows is all that matters. When I’ve done what he has asked then I can be at peace even in the misplaced judgments of others.

And, that is an awesome freedom, one of those I appreciate most from this part in the journey. I couldn’t do most of what I do in the world today if I were more afraid of how I might look than what is real and honest. I wasn’t always that way but knowing his love his increasingly becomes the only opinion I value. Live to an audience of One and the distortions of this age will not trouble you because at the end of it all, only what’s true will matter.

 

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What It Takes to Change the World

5 Comments / Culture Watch /

Since I was traveling and meeting new people yesterday, I heard very late about the events in Paris as my Facebook feed overflowed with grief and anger for the victims. What an incredible tragedy to see innocent people slaughtered in the name of an ideology that is ruthless and has no regard for human life! We can all imagine being in similar settings and feeling the horror of being attacked at times we’d least expect it and losing loved ones in the prime of their lives.
Media coverage will of course go wall-to-wall, creating a continuous wave of grief and fear that is made worse by how powerless we feel to do anything about it.  For most of us Paris is a long ways away, and we have no way to affect the turbulent events in the Middle East in any way that matters.
Interestingly I had an exchange last week about how God wants us to respond to our enemies by loving them and what it means in situations like this. And my answer was, I don’t have a clue.  When I think of the big-ticket items in our world, I’m at a loss as to how love would work in such extremity. But maybe that isn’t the point. We can’t see what it means here because we’re not really involved with any of it.
We can grieve for the people in Paris. We can pray for God’s intervention in these desperate circumstances and for the wisdom of global leaders to deal with all the chaos in our world. But it will help to realize that our media overwhelms us with storylines that invite our emotional responses to situations we cannot influence. And that can be crippling. We grieve for people we don’t know fear circumstances we can’t control. I don’t know how to comfort the people in Paris, or to end Islamic fundamentalist aggression in the world. But I do know how to love the people around me today. I know people going through painful circumstances and grief of their own and can comfort them. I know those who treat me with distain and betrayal and what it means to love them is very clear. We can’t really love “the world” in any meaningful way. It’s too abstract and generalized at a macro level to make any difference, but is richly powerful in the immediate circumstances of our own life.
Is that why Jesus asked us to, “love one another,” not to love the crowds or the whole world? Love is applied in the singular, not the plural. If you want to be the change in the world, get your eyes off of circumstances you don’t control and on to those people and circumstances right around you where your loving can make a difference. If you grieve for the people in Paris and feel powerless to help, think of someone you know going through deep grief or challenge and find a way to encourage them today.  Instead of leaving in fear or frustration of ISIS, find someone who has done you wrong and ask Jesus if there is a way to love him or her today that will begin to reverse the cycle of evil that only adds pain to pain.
We overcome evil in the world not by fussing and fretting, but by loving some one in front of us.  Every act of generosity and kindness brings light into the world.  Every time you comfort a broken heart, offer kindness to a stranger, or make time for someone who is lonely you pour a bit more of the kingdom in the world.
Wherever our fear gives way to love in the immediacy of our own circumstances, the world changes a little and the power of wickedness is broken. Find someone to love, encourage, or bless today and you will have been part of something significant.  You can leave the bigger things in Father’s hands, who is well up to the challenge.

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Seven Markers That Will Help You When You’re Done

4 Comments / Phenomenon of the Dones /

A Thrival Guide for Those Who Find Themselves Outside of Conventional Congregations

According to the latest research people are leaving the local church congregation in droves. Many do so questioning whether God even exists, but many others continue to passionately follow Jesus convinced that the institution they belonged to was at odds with the spiritual passion growing in their heart. They may not have even understood why, but something inside continued to draw them toward a more authentic relationship with Jesus and a freer environment to share his life and love with others.

Many who have given up on the traditional congregation were once leaders, volunteers, and major contributors. They grew weary of the programs and expectations that neither encouraged their journey nor cultivated the kind of community they sought.  Leaving is never easy and most do it only when other options are exhausted.

Finding yourself outside the congregational model can be incredibly disorienting for a season.  Family and former friends question your faith or make you feel guilty with accusations of bitterness or selfishness.  All the markers you used to gauge your spiritual health no longer make sense. Some question their own sanity and even more so as they are increasingly isolated from the only friends they’ve ever had.

If you’ve left your congregation for similar reasons, what do you do now? As I’ve watched people go through this transition the ones who navigate it most freely begin to embrace a different set of realities, which not only allow them to survive outside a local congregation, but actually thrive in learning to follow him, in sharing fellowship with others, and in being part of God’s purpose in the world.

First, take your time. You’ve been invited on an amazing journey that will take years to sort out. Many people rush to join another congregation or start their own house group to fill the void but only end up recreating what they had left. Resist the urge to find another group right away or create one. This is a season to draw closer to God and let him fill the void. There will be time for more connections later when it’s not a response to a driven need, but a freedom to embrace the gift of community that God wants to give you.

Second, don’t force your journey on others.  You don’t have to tell people, “I’ve left the church” or judge as less spiritual those who still go. This isn’t about judging others or making outlandish conclusions about the future you can’t begin to sort out yet.  Simply follow Jesus however he leads you and be gently honest with those who ask you why you’re not doing the things you used to. Remember, you’re the one whose changed here, they are just doing the things you’ve always done, believing they are obligated to do so.  They will be threatened by the change you’re making, and you can help disarm that by letting them have their own journey. Don’t try to change them, or to fix them. You can’t until the Spirit awakens the same hunger in them that he has in you.

Third, lose your need to be validated by others. Religion works by establishing a set of expectations and rewarding those who conform and punishing those who do not. The greatest freedom in this journey is to let Jesus to break that cycle so that you can find your identity in his love for you. Trying to convince others how right you are will only harden them and destroy your friendship with them. Trying to justify yourself will not allow you to love others nor will it lead you to the freedom from the tyranny of other people’s opinions of you.  Be gracious to all and let his affirmation of your life and experience be all the validation you need.

Fourth, learn the beauty and rhythms of love.  Following ritual and rules that others demand of you is still following law, even if we call them “New Testament principles.” God doesn’t transform us through obligation or meeting the expectations of others. The reason why many of us grew frustrated in religious settings is because they made promises to us they couldn’t fulfill. The harder we tried the emptier we felt. God has been inviting you to live in a new creation where his love transforms us in the deepest part of our soul. Over this season you’ll learn to see through the manipulation of obligation, accountability, guilt, and fear and into a different rhythm that will allow you to live more at rest, aware of others, and free from the pressures of this age.  Instead of doing what others think you should do, you’ll be freer to discern his work in you and find yourself embracing the realities of grace, forgiveness, freedom, and generosity. It all begins as you ask him to show you how deeply loved by God you are, then let him show you. This is the trailhead that will lead you to greater freedom and fullness.

Fifth, watch your trust in him grow. Many are surprised to discover how much of their religious life was driven by fear—of God punishing them, of going astray, of what others will think, or of failure. As you are more in touch with his love and delight in you, even when you’re struggling or doubting, you’ll find that your trust in his goodness will begin to grow. You’ll realize he’s for you, not against you and that your own efforts were never going to produce his life in you. Now you’ll discover the joy of cooperating with his work in you and find yourself more relaxed, more aware of his nudges and insight, and less inclined toward destructive and hurtful actions. When Paul talked about the righteousness that comes from trust, this is what he was talking about. Where we trust him we won’t try to save ourselves or force our way. Now we can know what it is to be content in him whatever life brings to us because he is walking with us through it.

Sixth, cultivate friendships with others. God’s love working in you will free you to love each person God puts in front of you. Take an interest in them, whether they already know God or not, and watch as they begin to pen up with their concerns, struggles, and joys. Look for ways to encourage them as God gives you insight to do so. Get to know people you already know from work, school, or your neighborhood. Contact people in your address book and take them out to lunch. Where the relationship becomes relaxed, authentic and mutual, make time for those friendships to grow so his community can take shape around you.

Seventh, let God expand your view of his church. Most people think of the church as a specific group or meeting at a set time and place and if you’re not there you are not part of his church. They are made to feel guilty and isolated as others withdraw from them. It’s easy to feel as if you’re the only one weary of the religious institution. But you’re not. The latest research shows you are one in about 31 million adults in America who do not belong a local congregation but are still actively looking to follow Christ, which is about the same number of people who do belong. That means one in every seven adults are on a similar journey to yours and there are 7 million who are “almost dones” who still attend but are there in body only. Does that mean the church is failing?  Only if we look at our human attempts to manage it. What you’ll discover is that Jesus’ church was never meant to be an institution, but a growing family who are learning to walk with him and who are learning to share his life and love with others. Real community flows from friendships not meetings, which is why Jesus spent time with the people in his life in more informal settings. As we come to see his church as a reality outside of human control, then you can embrace her reality however she takes shape in the relationships and connections around you.

 

Learning to live in his freedom and joy is the fruit of a process that takes a significant period of time in our lives. Don’t rush the process.  Learn to embrace him and relax in the process and you will discover that “something more” that your heart has been seeking.  You’ll find yourself in meaningful conversations that will deepen your own faith and encourage others to find more reality in theirs.

It is my hope that those who are done with religious institutions, don’t go off and create their own, but learn to live differently in the world and then be able to see the church Jesus is building taking shape right around them.

__________________________
This is Part 7 in a series on The Phenomenon of the Dones by Wayne Jacobsen who is the author of Finding Church and host of a podcast at TheGodJourney.com

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What I Wish Every Father Knew about His Daughter

6 Comments / Marriage and Family /

It’s my daughter’s birthday today and I’ve been thinking of her all week and what it means to have a daughter who is turning thirty-(mumble-mumble).  What an absolute joy it has been to watch her continue to grow as a wife, mother, and friend to so many and how she gives of herself to help others.

I’ve never understood the dad who isn’t capable of loving his daughter and allows her to grow up in the world without the love she deserves.  Your daughter is worthy of love, just as she is.  Love isn’t something you earn and she needs it most when she feels like she deserves it least.  Treasure her and show her she can trust you so she can rest knowing someone will always be in her corner. 

She is living in a very broken world and you won’t be able to protect her from every pain and challenge that comes her way.  Be the voice that inspires her to courage in the face of trouble and resilience when recovering from it, realizing the future can always overcome her past.  She will make mistakes, same as you, and will need to understand that none of us have to be perfect so show her how to embrace the power of forgiveness, especially of yourselves and the joy of getting up again and pressing on for something better. 

She will want to know she isn’t alone in the universe, that Someone has her in his hands who loves her more than anyone else in this world possibly could, including me!  And he will help her navigate the twists and turns of life and find great joy in freeing her to be all that he created her to be.

Loving her and being there is enough. You don’t have to force your wisdom or ways on her.  Be ready to serve her when she desires it, help her where she wants it, but don’t try to control her life to make yourself happy. Never begrudge her the joy of growing up and finding her way in the world.  If she learns integrity, thoughtfulness and considerations of others, she will find a life worth living. 

A daughter deeply loved is a gift to the world.  She will recognize others around her did not grow up with the same love she did and through kindness and generosity she can share that love with others that they didn’t get from others.

No matter how old she gets, she’s will always be your little girl and when she walks into a room your heart will light up.  Her joy is your joy; her pain your pain. No one touches the same place in your heart as she does.

J, from the first time I held you to the last time I hugged you and every moment in between being your dad is one of the richest treasures of my life.  You are all these things and more, and I couldn’t be more proud of you and the life you live. 

Happy birthday, Sweetheart!  Every day celebrate the life God gave you.  You live it well! 


 

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Kenya Update: New Wells and Food for Widows

In the World /

It has been awhile since I’ve updated people on Kenya. While I don’t talk about it much, I have spent about a quarter of my time this year just working out what we can do in Pokot and what God wants us to do. I don’t want readers of the blog to feel badgered by their need, but it is something I have lived with every day this year. I don’t feel like I have a lot of wisdom here, and Lifestream certainly is not a missions organization, even though 85% of our budget last year went into Kenya. This is a labor of love, because God related us to some people in Kenya who stumbled upon some other people in greater need than they were and had hearts to love and care for them. We are just following the nudges God gives us and the wisdom he has provided through more experienced people to help the brothers and sisters in West Pokot, one of three impoverished counties in the north of Kenya and a prime target for terrorist groups fomenting unrest in the region. By God’s grace we’ve been able to help one of these counties whose nomadic economy melted down in a prolonged drought. We have brought food, water, medicine, education and the Gospel into this region through our friends from further south in Kenya who are sacrificing their own needs to help with those who have even less. (If you want to read the whole story, click here.)

In the last month we have drilled two new wells, bringing water as close as we can to each of the villages. We are not planning on drilling any more. But we have helped to train a team of four coaches who can help the villages work for their own solutions to these ongoing needs by using readily-available, local, low-tech resources to address the most significant need in their village. The hope is that in five years they can address those needs themselves by utilizing 50% of their won sweat equity and 50% outside resource. We’ve committed one million dollars to this effort over the next 7 years, when our involvement in Kenya will end.  So every thing we do has to be with an eye to sustainability after that time. We have already been given a gift of $500,000 toward this goal and are confident Father will provide the remaining through people who want to share with these people.  We are using that money to increase their health, education, and micro-financed loans to create enterprises that will generate jobs and resource for these communities.  

So we have drilled three new wells, have trained coaches and are providing for them while they work with the villages, and also provide food directly to widows and breast-feeding moms who have no resource at this point.  In the pictures below you can see some of this taking place.  This is a recent report from the front lines:  

We arrived well in Kitale and everything in the ground is well, starting from water, businesses, dispensary and the school. The villagers are happy to be involved in their development through the committees and our coaching team who were so committed to see that the lives of our Brothers and sisters are transformed from one form to another.

The villagers and the committees are happy to start the business, as well as getting water in the nearby place. On loans we have covered around 18 people who are now doing business of different type, that is one group and eight people. Regarding the food donation we purchase it and take it to the food committees to give it to the old aged and breastfeeding mom, everyone were having a smile to receive food, it is our prayers that by helping them with soft loans the issues of food donation will be reducing gradually with time till we will just remain with very week old aged people. So we shall make sure every months we do it, so that we can complete every at least to start something for the living.

The poor are being served, the widows and nursing moms can eat, and water is flowing in the region. I am grateful for all of these things, and that what is going on physically is also reflected in what is going on spiritually. Into these parched souls the gospel of grace is also nourishing their hearts. They have responded with open hearts to the gospel as it is being demonstrated and proclaimed among them. The bulk of this work has been done by the brothers and sisters I met in Kenya a few years ago. While this entire process has exhausted me at times, in others it causes my heart to explode with gratefulness to God that he positioned us to help people in great need. 

Obviously there are continuing needs here. If your heart is moved to help us, please see our Sharing With the World page at Lifestream. You can either donate with a credit card there, or you can mail a check to Lifestream Ministries • 1560-1 Newbury Rd #313 • Newbury Park, CA 91320. Or if you prefer, we can take your donation over the phone at (805) 498-7774.

 

A new well for people who have beenwalking 26 km one way to get water

 

Rigging up the delivery system for the new water

 

The children rejoice when the well struck water

 

Food is being distributed to the elderly and nursing moms who have no resource

 

Kenya Update: New Wells and Food for Widows Read More »

FINDING CHURCH release in German

Behind the Scenes /

Glory World Medien has just released Finding Church in German.  They have done many of my other books three and are calling this one, The Community of the New Creation. I’m surprised at the hunger in Germany for so many to think outside the box of religious obligation and discover that Jesus is building a church in the world that is rising with magnificent splendor. She sometimes overlap our human attempts to build “churches”, but she transcends it in so many ways as well.  Many are discovering that his church is more like wildflowers scattered on a hill side rather than the manicured hedges of a formal garden. I love the conversation this is stirring and the courage people take in re-examining what we’ve called the “church” to see if there aren’t better ways to express the life of his community.  

Thanks to the efforts of Glory World, the message is spreading in Germany.  I get many emails from there and am blessed by the friendships I’ve formed in my previous visits there. There are also translations in process for Finding Church into French and Dutch.  

 

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