Intentionally Relational

1 Comment / Phenomenon of the Dones /

By Wayne Jacobsen, a new chapter for the book he’s writing on The Phenomenon of the Dones

(Read a Spanish translation here.)

I believe all those Scriptures about the body of Christ walking together in unity, encouraging each other daily, and sharing God’s wisdom and presence to express a fuller portrait of who he is and how he works in the world. I believe in the power of cooperation and collaboration between those learning to live loved by the Father as a major way he makes himself known to the world around us. I am just not convinced that institutional programs and services are the only way to do that, and unfortunately are often an unwitting detriment to the very Scriptures they seek to fulfill.

The whole of Creation began inside a community of Father, Son, and Spirit celebrating life together and working for a common good. The trajectory of God’s work in that Creation is to invite us to share in that community with him, and thus with each other. I am absolutely committed to sharing life inside the Divine Community as much as I am able—both in my growing communion with the Godhead and in growing friendships with others who are learning to live there as well.

That’s why I see church life not as an obligation, but as a vibrant treasure to be shared with delight. Each of us knows and sees in part, but the fullness of God’s wisdom and nature can only be reflected as those pieces are brought together. While I get to express a facet of God’s wonder, others around me express a different facet. As we walk together in love the fullness of God’s person becomes increasingly clear to us and to the world around us.

Unfortunately the brokenness of our flesh and the politics inside our institutions seems to encourage us to treat each other more as competitors that collaborators. Threatened by the gifts of others and striving to brand our own to build influence and market share we pull apart more than we pull together and in doing so we reflect more the spirit of this age, than we do the Spirit of the Living God.

Having been both a participant and a leader in those institutions, I know that real community is more an illusion in those environments than it is a reality. We thought we could share the life of the church by simply attending the same meetings consistently. And in some ways we did but only in limited ways and for brief seasons. The arc of our programs unwittingly drew people out of the very community we were hoping to build and at times pitted us against each other in our differing hopes for the priorities and activities of the group. Too much of our energy and resource was taken up keeping the program running and those who were supposed to protect us often exploited us for their own job security or to build their personal kingdom.

That’s part of the reason why so many people are leaving the institutional form of church life. It may work for some, but an increasing number of people are looking for something more than being a spectator to whatever has been planned for them on stage. They find themselves thirsting for real community where authenticity is treasured, where encouragement and support come easily and where it fits into our daily lives and doesn’t just happen in a building far away.

Take away the building and the scheduled meetings, however, and some people lose their connection with others. They end up isolated and alone claiming, “they don’t go to church, because they are the church.” But we are not the church alone. We can be a part of his church, but the richness of its treasure is revealed by walking alongside others who stimulate our hearts to live more deeply in God’s love and encouraged to trust him more.

Does such a church exist? Of course she does, and she thrives in every nook and cranny of our world. She’s growing in purity and brilliance and demonstrating to a broken world that the power of love is the greatest force on the universe. To find her we have to stop thinking of her as a “place” and see her as a “people.” Wherever I’ve gone over the past twenty years, I’ve found her and the kind of relationships of self-sacrifice and affection that mark her presence. I’ve been deeply bonded to people from distant countries as well as those around me.

Unfortunately many centuries ago we started using the term “church” to describe institutions and denominations, many of which no longer demonstrate that reality. When we hear the term church we don’t think of people who love each other in an “other worldly” way, but of institutions that act just as every other human institution, often with a lot of political drama and too many broken relationships. We need to look past the marquee and the steeples that promise there’s a church inside and instead look for her in the relationships around us that ooze with Father’s love and affection.

The only place I know to really share the community we see reflected in the Divine community is in ever-deepening friendships with others who are seeking to know him as well. Can that happen around pre-programmed meetings? Of course it can, though it does so almost by accident. Friends don’t grow by sitting in a meeting together weekly but by seeking each other out during the week and finding the conversations that expose our hearts and reap the insights of others.

To experience that kind of life, however, we have to learn to live relationally, and that is less a matter of what meeting we attend as it is how free our heart is to engage others the way God engages us. And this is as true for those who have found at home in a traditional congregation as it is for those who are no longer there. Growing friendships is how this family connects and how it shares its life with the world and that takes some intentionality on our part.

The Internal Realities

What does it mean to live relationally? It means to live with an open, honest, compassionate heart toward people around you, whether they are followers of Christ yet or not. That may sound easy, but it is beyond your capabilities to do it. To love others like that we will first have to learn to live in the Father’s love for us. There are no short cuts here. Our fears and insecurities will make us relationally unavailable to others no matter how hard we will try to act otherwise. It takes time and healing for us to have the relational space to see others and care about them.

I’ve written in many other places about learning to live in that affection, most notably in He Loves Me, so I won’t belabor it here other than to remind you that living loved by him is the first step to sharing that love with others. The more comfortable you get in his love, the freer you’ll be to live relationally open to other people. If you need help learning how, this is a great place for relationship to begin. Ask someone you know who lives more deeply in his love, to walk alongside you and help you learn to as well. A lot of good fellowship begins by seeking the input of others to find a way for you to live in his affection.

As you grow in that love you’ll find your heart being increasingly open in ways that nurture great relationships, rather than however unwittingly pushing people away. So instead of trying to act relational, watch how God’s love sets you increasingly free to engage others in fruitful ways. Here are some of the characteristics that I see in those who are learning to live freely in his love that encourage the kind of friendships that reflect the life of the church:

They value people, not for what you can get from them, but as fellow strugglers through the difficulties of life that provokes your compassion and as a repository of God’s treasure no matter how well-covered it might be under their brokenness. The desire to be alongside others in their joys and struggles will open doors to many relationships and some of those will grow into real friendships.

They live inside their compassion. For whatever reason some people and circumstances grab at our hearts more than others. That doesn’t mean those people are more valuable or more in need, only that God is inviting you into connection with him. You can’t possibly engage everyone around you. When your heart is touched with someone else’s situation, lean into the relationship as much as they will let you.

They live with integrity. I am amazed at the number of people who use God’s love as an excuse to be dishonest and to backstab others for their own gain. There’s a reason why God seeks out those who are genuine and honest and why those people in our lives who demonstrate character and integrity mean the most to us. Growing trust in a relationship results from someone demonstrating trustworthiness and without it people will know we’re just using them to fill our own needs.

They don’t try to fix others. Walking alongside someone means you’re there as a resource for them, when they are ready. When you present yourself as an expert that can fix their problems, you’ll already be shredding the environment in which real relationships grow. Be a soft place for them to land by being gentle and patient. Take an interest in them, and let them take an interest at their pace. Learn to recognize when others are getting defensive and back off so as not to drive them deeper into the hole they are stuck in. Your love and grace will invite them out as God makes them ready.

They learn not to take offense. Most people are so quick to take offense and even assign motives they can’t possibly know to someone else’s actions. They storm off hoping their pity-party will manipulate others to give them the attention they want. The people I know who are most connected to Jesus don’t take offense easily, even at someone else’s brokenness. They can be reviled and come back loving, betrayed and still keep their heart open. When you get hurt, take it to Jesus and find out what unmet need in your own heart responds to people that way. That doesn’t mean you have to let toxic people walk all over you, however. There is room for appropriate boundaries to people who act destructively. This is where you learn to live in your own freedom.

They share the bandwidth. In almost every grouping 20% of the people take up 80% of the bandwidth and that’s true on my social feeds as well. And I don’t think that’s just the difference between extrovert and introvert. Some people think their ideas and thoughts are what’s most important and can’t seem to leave room for other people. When you learn to love you’ll also learn to be a better listener and share the space for others. I used to be compelled to fill blank spaces, afraid that people would think nothing is happening, but in my travels almost always the best questions or observations rises out of the silence, from someone who doesn’t normally speak up easily. The space allows them to process and to risk.

They lose the need to compete. When you feel yourself threatened by someone else’s success, or fighting for a place in the conversation you’ll find yourself being more hurtful than helpful. When you trust God to make all the room for you that he wants, you won’t need to push yourself on others, or try to outdo them in anything other than loving.

Certainly these all represent a huge growth curve in our lives that take years to bear fruit, so don’t try to rush through these all as techniques to learn. They are simply what a free and loving heart does when it is no longer twisted by its own ego or insecurities. When you think beyond groups, studies, and programmed activities you’ll engage people around you in a different way. You’ll find yourself caring about them and their story. You’ll engage them in conversation you both will find enjoyable and nurturing. This is as true for extroverts as introverts, though for introverts it will most likely involve fewer relationships that go far deeper.

Practical Considerations

I know those who’ve left their congregation want to find people quickly to replace what they lost, but he wants to bring people into our lives more organically as we simply learn to live in his love and love the people he puts in front of us each day. The ‘need’ for fellowship can actually be a deterrent to it, not only in seeing the doors God opens, but also in distorting the relationship with need before it simply becomes a friendship. Father knows what you need and how to bring people into our lives. I’m sure there are lots of folks around you to love and take an interest in. Loneliness is one of the great problems of our day and there are no doubt lonely people around you looking for a friend.

That’s what Jesus meant by leaving the ninety-nine for the one. If the people you know aren’t hungry for relationships, find those who are. Often you’ll find these among the weak and marginalized in our social groupings. Those we consider “cool” often have a full load of friends, or don’t know how to have them, content to use people rather than care about them. Think less of who you’d like to befriend and more of those who would be blessed by your friendship.

God’s Spirit is the one that best arranges the connections he wants for us. He knows the people in your area he wants you to walk with and when best to bring you together.  I’d encourage you not to look so much for a group, but simply live in the reality of his love each day and love those he puts before you, even unbelievers, without trying to convince them to believe what you believe.  Soon you’ll find yourself in some interesting conversations about Jesus and in time surrounded with other folks on this journey.  They may already be in some grouping or they may not, but his body grows by ever-expanding relationships that may gather as a group, rather than trying to find a group that believes what you do.

Save space in your life for people. Busyness is often the result of insecurity that crams our lives beyond the margins so we feel productive, but we end up with no time to engage people in relaxed conversation where friendships can grow. If you don’t create space for that, it won’t just happen by chance. And these don’t always have to be extra events. Look for ways to invite people into the routines of your day, like walking the dog, attending a little league game, or a household project.  Or better yet, share in theirs.

Make yourself available for new friendships that are not based on religious performance or the manipulations that go with it. They may be unbelievers even, but you can learn to love the people God already has before you, in you neighborhood, at work, or from chance meetings. Engage them in conversation, invite them over or out, and pursue those that seem to connect. The friendships that grow out of these connections will become a rich heritage in your own journey.

Sara and I sit down every week to talk and pray about the people God would want us to connect with that week, and when someone comes to mind, we’re quick to pick up a phone or write an email to see if there’s a need or a similar hunger on the other end. Sometimes we host a dinner party or BBQ and invite people we think would enjoy knowing each other.

If you’re the kind of person who is able to open your life and home and help others make connections in this family, by all means do it. You don’t need to organize a bunch of meetings. Just provide a place for people to connect and friendships to grow. Ninety percent of community happens over a meal, which can be as simple as bringing fast food to a park. As you’re together learn how to help people find their way into real conversations about their journeys and what they are learning. This is how community grows and helps others engage it as well.

Our ever-expanding friendships that revolve around the life and love of Jesus become a rich treasure trove of God’s grace and wisdom. We can listen to God together and recognize more easily what he is saying or asking of us. We can support each other and collaborate together in sharing as they do what he asks. And, we can pool our resources to help each other in time of need or help others around the world.

Being relational takes far more intentionality than organizing group activities and meetings, or attending them. The rewards, however, are far richer. As your friendships grow with others you will find yourself in time surrounded by an ever-widening set of relationships that not only opens the door wider for you to discover more about God’s wisdom and nature, but it also allows us to cooperate together however he might ask us to share his glory in the world around us.

That’s where the church becomes visible—not because we have a building on the corner, but because we love in a way that others want to embrace.

_________

This is part 17 in a series on The Phenomenon of the Dones by Wayne Jacobsen who is the author of Finding Church and host of a podcast at TheGodJourney.com.  You can read the first half here and subsequent parts below. It will eventually be made into a book for people to read more easily.

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FINDING CHURCH Now Available in French as Découvrir l’église

3 Comments / Behind the Scenes /

The book on the left is one of the first copies of Finding Church in French. The man on the right is my good friend Silvio Viotti who translated the work as he as done with many of my other books.  He has done all this as a labor of love simply to make these works available to the French-speaking world. Thank you, Silvio, for your service to the Gospel in this way. I hear from so many who are touched by the availability of these books in French.

The evangelical community in France is incredibly small and those looking outside the borders of the traditional congregation are even smaller. So these don’t sell in great quantities there, but they do provide some encouragement to those who are learning to live more freely in the life of Jesus.

Sara and I have been with Silvio and his wife Dominique many times over the past decade. We met them first at their home in Switzerland, but have also enjoyed their company in the U.S., Ireland, England, France, Israel, and Italy. I’m so happy that this project is finally done.

If you know anyone who wants FINDING CHURCH in French, they can find it here.  It is only €4,50 for a copy. (They also have He Loves Me as Il M’aime! and So You Don’t Want to Go to Church Anymore as Alors tu ne veux plus aller à l’église?)

It is also available in German, Dutch, and Spanish as Encontrando a la Iglesia in free PDF Download.  You can find links to all our international translations here.

In addition to the original book in English, it is also available by audio through Audibles and iTunes. Also, there are a number of us doing a study through Finding Church, just about to start Chapter 15 at the Lifestream Discussion Forum.  You can join us where we are or start back at the beginning.

Here’s one of my favorite quotes from the book:

The church of the new creation is more like wildflowers strewn across an alpine meadow than a walled garden with manicured hedges. I realize such a seemingly amorphous view of the church will make many nervous, especially those who think it their God-given duty to manage a group of people on his behalf or else the church can’t exist. But it can. And I’m not advocating for the isolated, everyone-is-a-church-to-themselves idea. The church takes her expression in relationships we have with others who are also following him—local friendships as well as international connections that he knits together.

 

 

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Four More Days…

2 Comments / Intimacy /

I’ve often said that I won’t write a more significant book in my life than He Loves Me. That content is what changed the trajectory of my life from trying to appease God by my hard work and commitment, to learning how I could live inside the affection the Father already had for me.

Unfortunately many people look at the title and think they already know that. I’ve had so many tell me they hadn’t read it for years even though someone gave them a copy, but when they finally did they realized the huge difference between the knowledge of God’s love and actually living in that love. They sang about it in Sunday school and theologically the idea that God is love was cemented into their doctrine. It’s just that they never learned to live as if he really did, so they lived captive to fear, shame, and frustration.

I used to gauge God’s love by how well the circumstances in my life pleased me. If things were good, “He loves me!” When circumstances turned dark or difficult, “He loves me not.” I was constantly batted between those two conclusion, spending most of my time in the he-loves-me-not crowd.  All that changed 23 years ago and what Sara and I have experienced since has fulfilled every hope and desire we had for what life in Christ was meant to be and we could live alongside others in that same joy. No, life hasn’t gone easily since then. We’ve known some very dark and painful places, but we’ve never been alone in them. We’ve been able to find our way into the reality of his love and follow him however haltingly through those things in a way that endeared us to him and transformed us in the process. We love what that keeps shaping in our lives individually and in our lives together.

Here’s my (and many others) favorite quote in the book:

The friendship Jesus shared with his disciples was the model for the relationship he extends to you. He wants to be the voice that steers you through every situation, the peace that sets your heart at rest in trouble, and the power that holds you up in the storm. He wants to be closer than your dearest friend and more faithful than any other person you’ve ever known.

I know it sounds preposterous. How can mere humans enjoy such a friendship with the Almighty God who created with a word all that we see? Do I dare think that he would know and care about the details of my life? Isn’t it presumptuous to even imagine that this God would take delight in me, even though I still struggle with the failures of my flesh?

It would be so if this were not his idea. He’s the one who offered to be your loving Father—sharing life with you in ways no earthly father ever could.

For four more days you can order this book for $9.00 per copy. Yes, that’s cheaper than even the bulk price when people order ten. You can order as many as you like at that price and I hope you find it helpful in your own journey as well as a blessing to share with friends and family.

He Loves Me is also available in Spanish for $8.00 and in audio as read by me, either in CDs, or by digital downloads from iTunes or Audibles.

___________

PS: I’ll be leaving Thursday for my east coast swing through Massachusetts, Vermont, Pennsylvania and Maryland. If you want to catch up with me there you can get the details here.

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Going Live at 1:00 pm Pacific Time Today

4 Comments / Behind the Scenes /

I’m not sure what I’m getting into here, but I was invited by Bill Hale to appear on his radio show on the Liberty Works Radio Network this afternoon, starting at 1:00 Pacific Time (4:00 Eastern). They wanted to talk about my life, The Shack, and my past work with Bridgebuilders, so it should be a wide-ranging conversation. They asked if it was OK to get into some controversial stuff, and I told them it was fine with me. So I have no idea where this will go. You can listen along here if you like.

But first, this morning, I’m doing some recording with Brad for future shows of The God Journey. So I will be doing my share of talking today.

We’ve been inundated with orders for He Loves Me after reducing the price to $9.00 for those who wanted copies. That will continue for another week if you want to get in on it. I’ve also had many people write me to let me know that So You Don’t Want to Go to Church Anymore was their favorite book, so maybe we’ll have to do something there down the road. I’m always glad to get these books out further in the world and help others discover the joy of a living relationship with a gracious Abba.

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He Loves You… He Really Does!

4 Comments / Uncategorized /

A few weeks ago a woman from Australia wrote me this note:

I would just like to tell you about your book He Loves Me.  The  truth is that book blew me off the planet!!!!

These are the reasons: When I was a child my parents and all other family were nonreligious and nonChristians. I am not against them, but I knew nothing of God. As I was walking down the road to primary school about the age of nine, I looked behind my shoulder and saw something. In my mind I went, “What? Why would the God of the universe be with ME?” But I was very shy and quiet and never spoke of it to anyone. Then when I turned ten  I started to think “I am going to Sunday school at the local church” So I did for a couple of years but would often go out the back door and go home as often the speaker would say, “Come on children , give your heart to God.”  I was so shy I kept leaving! One Sunday morning I woke up and thought “I’m not going again.” Then a voice jumped into my brain,” Off you go.”  So I accepted that from God.  At that point I was twelve and the main thing I loved was music. So I went to church and one song totally affected me, ” I am so glad that our Father in Heaven tells of his love in the book he has given”  then the chorus came up, “Jesus loves me, Jesus loves me  JESUS LOVES EVEN ME!!!!!!!!! Those 4 words changed my life and has affected me forever (I am getting old).

When I went to a different church some years later I felt too dominated. Though I never left Jesus I was very unhappy.   Then my husband bought two books, and I looked at your book He loves Me I thought, “Oh I don’t need to read this as I know he loves me..  But then out of the blue a voice jumped into my brain again, “Keep reading!” So I did and it blew me off the planet!!!!    Your book took me back to the past when Jesus loved even ME!!

My husband is a minister and has spread your book around and preached your words from it.   Your book is so fabulous and I have shared it with many people  and many of them have changed from church to Jesus. We’ve now read it 8 times.  I hope you don’t mind me doing this.

Of course I don’t mind. I can’t tell you how many people have seen the title of the book and thought, “Well of course, everyone knows that.” It is some years later before they actually read it and discover that this isn’t just about the fact that God loves you, but actually how we can live each day in the love of a gracious Father. The content of that book changed my life over 22 years ago and I’m still learning how to live in that reality every day. The conversations that feed my heart the most center around how others are learning to live there as well.

So I tell you want I’m going to do, for those on this list who don’t have a copy of this book or want one to pass along.  For a limited time we’re going to make it available for $9.00 per copy.  I think it and Finding Church make the perfect combination to help you find your way into living in his affection and sharing it with others, regardless of the circumstances you may encounter. Shipping is extra, and yes we know that shipping to International destinations is prohibitively expensive. If you want to order up to four of our books, however, we can ship all four for the same price we can ship one.

He Loves Me is also available in Spanish for $8.00 and in audio as read by me, either in CDs, or by digital downloads from iTunes or Audibles.

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Headed for the East Coast

1 Comment / Travelogue /

Before an unexpected trip to the emergency room I was supposed to make this trip at the end of March. We have managed to reschedule it for the first twelve days of June. So in just a few weeks I’m going to back in Pennsylvania and Maryland for a weekend of fellowship and sharing.  I’ll be in Harrisburg, Hagerstown, Rockville, and finish in Sykesville over the weekend of June 10-12.

If you’re interested in joining us at any of these locations you’ll find the contact information below.  Please contact the host to get details and to RSVP. We do this so we can get an accurate count of whose interested and to avoid posting home addresses online.

June 2-4 – Reading, MA  (near Boston): We will be gathering over Friday night, Saturday and Sunday for conversations about living in and sharing God’s love together. Steve is my host and you can contact him here for details.

June 5 – Milbury, MA  near Worcester: at the home of some dear friends of mine. You can email Clara Jean here if you’re interested.

June 6 –  South Burlington, VT: for a gathering on Tuesday afternoon and evening.  You can email Bobber details.

June 7 – Harrisburg, PA:   Conversations at the home base of Wildheart Ministries.  For more details contact Lindsey here.

June 8 – Hagerstown, MD:  I’m sorry there is no open gathering in Hagerstown though I will be meeting with some people individually there.

June 9 – Rockville, MD:  A one-night gathering with a group in Rockville for conversation.  Contact Gregg for details.

June 10-11 – Sykesville, MD (Baltimore):  The weekend will give us more of an extended conversation with people in the area about living loved and my latest book Finding Church.  Pete is my host and he’ll be happy to send you the details. Or if you prefer, you can call him at:  443-277-7176.

You can get all the details from my Travel Page.

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In Celebration Our Offices Are Closed This Week

6 Comments / Behind the Scenes /

No, it doesn’t seem possible.  Forty-two years ago this week, Sara and I were married and thus began an adventure that has exceeded both our expectations and in this season of our lives brings us great joy and support through the twists and turns of life.

Who would have thought? We’ve had many friends not make it this far, who  have been deeply hurt as the life-long marriage they thought they were in came unraveled with pain and heartbreak. We’ve known those whose spouses have passed away at far younger ages. Our hearts go out to all of them. A long-term marriage is nothing to boast about; it is its own reward. We don’t think we’re anything special to get along this far and have been through some of the intense struggles that sometimes shipwrecks good relationships. I’m just grateful we’ve both had the strength to stay true to the promises we made to each other, that we keep finding our way to mutual love and respect even though we are built very differently and have differing tastes in so many things. In fact this longevity feels like a whole lot of grace. The joy has been in learning how to lay down our lives for the other and love more deeply at each unfolding season of our lives.

This week we are taking some time just to be together and to enjoy the fruits of Father’s work in our relationship. While I have amazing friends all over the world there is no one I’d rather be with than Sara. She is far and away my best friend. I love our laughter, conversations, and even though we know so much about the other we can still be surprised when something unexpected pops out. I always look forward to an extended time for just the two of us to be together and celebrate the love that continues to grow between us.

However, since this is a two-horse operation most of the time, that means we’ll close the office until Monday, May 21 and apologize for an inconvenience that may cause you with book orders or travel invitations. You see, none of this happens without Sara. She is truly the unsung hero of Lifestream, Kenya, the God Journey, and everything else that goes on around here. She is the office manager and detail person. Without her I couldn’t do what I do in writing, podcasting, or traveling. Every time I travel I leave with her blessing because of what she gives up in our time together so that others can be enriched in the world. I love it when people acknowledge the price Sara pays when I’m out of town. I couldn’t go out as often if she wasn’t so committed to the work we do in the world and so capable of handling all things Jacobsen while I’m gone and does it with such grace and joy. While that means some lonely nights for her, she is fully on board with any trip I take, or I don’t take it.

When people ask why Sara doesn’t travel with me all the time, the answer is it is not as much her calling as it is mine. She has traveled with me a lot, but being more introverted a day of conversation with new people completely wears her out and she will need a couple of days to recover. Me?  Not so much. I can keep going for two weeks or so in conversations that span almost the entire day and with multiple groups. Though Sara is welcome to come with me any time she wants, I am able to give myself far more to the people I’m with if she’s home taking care of the rest of our lives. It’s not easy doing what I do and when she has the grace for it she comes. If not, I’d rather have her here at home with the family, dogs, and garden she loves. And when I get to be home, she is great at really being present with me.  Also Sara has some health issues now and diet restrictions that make it very difficult to travel and she hates to inconvenience others who would need to accommodate those. I know most wouldn’t mind just to have Sara there, but it is hard on her. We’re still hopeful that some of this will improve in the months to come.  That’s our prayer, anyway.

I always told Sara that my calling didn’t have to be hers. She’s my wife, and what we share together is incredibly special, and all the more because our absences really do make the heart grow fonder.

So if you can hold that correspondence you’re dying to have with me until next week, we’d appreciate it.

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It Can Never Be Too Small

5 Comments / Travelogue /

Yesterday I spent time with at the Chippewa Correctional Facility in the upper peninsula of Michigan.  My host in Potoskey is a volunteer there and set it up for me to come and meet with the prisoners. There are two sides to the prison so we did two hours on one side in the morning, and two hours on the other in the afternoon.  This was an elective event. They had to sign up in advance to join us and most of them were drawn from the Christian groups within the prison

I told them as I started out that I gave up talking at people a long time ago and told them I wanted to talk with them in a growing conversation. They responded beautifully. We had the most amazing time getting to know each other and discussing what it means to discover how deeply loved by God they are and how they might respond to him even in the desperation of their current circumstances. I love how they welcomed me into their lives and their honesty about their struggles even with the other inmates right there with us.

But there was a difference in the conversations. One went deep, with some of the men opening their hearts in ways that surprised me and some of the others that work in the prison. We go down to some personal needs and some glorious questions about their own struggles. The other one didn’t get nearly so deep. We had a great time and talked about a lot of things but it stayed more to how I see certain issues than the intensity of their own struggles.

So what was the difference?  Both sides of the prison are equal in size, but on one side only ten people signed up to join us.  On the other side more than ninety did. As we went to the first group of ten, people kept apologizing to me that it wasn’t as large a group as they had hoped. And from their point of view I can understand why they would want more inmates to take advantage of my time there. I found myself thinking, “A group can be too large, it can never be too small, especially in a conversation.” ‘

Yesterday reinforced what I already knew.  The best conversation we can have is found in twos and threes where people have time to talk and explore their journey and any issues they might have. Adding more to the conversation always dilutes it’s depth in exchange for breadth.  I realize it isn’t always possible to get groups of 8-10 together, and I’m grateful that ninety men wanted to meet with me from the other side of the facility. That was a great conversation too, that exposed them to a view of God I hope they found enduring and compelling, but it didn’t give me as much of a chance to interact with them in the same way.

I’m not saying that a crowd of ninety is somehow less Godly than a group of ten, I’m just saying the dynamics are different. God can be in both, and was in both yesterday. If the goal is to disseminate information then large is more efficient. Lots can be done there. But if the goal is a conversation where people can sort out something in their own journey, then less is more.  Some people wonder why I choose small groups over large and it’s simply because I have been convinced that a conversation is a better learning environment than a lecture.

I can put lectures up on line and have with Transition, The Jesus Lens, and Engage.  You can get to all of the from our Free Stuff menu at Lifestream.org.  I know they touch people and do not discount that in the least.  And I am happy to be with people on the road with whatever size chooses to show up and trust God to work in that environment the best way I can. But no one ever needs to apologize to me for having a group be too small. That’s where the conversations ensue that engage my heart the most, and I hope others appreciate that too. Like the world we think bigger is better and I’m only suggesting we rethink that. Smaller is often more in Jesus’ kingdom.

If I was invited to get a golf lesson from a famous golf pro and I arrive there to find 40,000 people filling a stadium, with the instruction on the giant TV screen as I sat a hundred yards from the pro, I’d be disappointed. Wouldn’t it be better if I arrived and it was just the two of us? Can you imagine how different the instruction would be if he was working individually with my swing instead of telling me about his?  I think that’s why Jesus seemed to treasure a conversation with a woman at a well or lunch with a tax collector over 5,000 people filling the hillsides. And why the impact of those events were so markedly different.

As I said, a group can never be too small. And I’m so incredibly grateful to those who invited me to come and let me have some time with these men. I hope they are able to see more clearly their loving Father with them each day drawing them into his reality. That’s the real end of this and why God sent us each his Spirit to guide us rathe than a guru on a stage.

 

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Conversations About the Law and Freedom

1 Comment / Behind the Scenes /

This week I was back on the set of A Christian and A Muslim Walk into a Studio for a conversation with Bob and Ermza about the Law and how Jews, Christians, and Muslims look at this differently.  The episode is called A Follow-up Conversation With Wayne Jacobsen. I loved the conversation and think we not only unpacked things we view in common, but also the differences we have between us. One of the most revealing aspects for me is how Muslims view the Bible in line with the Quran.  Their final revelation from God comes in that book, and thus they judge everything in the Old Testament and New Testament by how it is interpreted in that book. Thus, they don’t have a lot of regard for Paul’s teaching and why they end up seeking to attain grace through law.  It’s a fascinating discussion and one that also reveals how much hope Muslims put in mercy and compassion as well.  It’s also lengthy… about an hour and twenty-two minutes.  What can I say? We were exploring some big issues.

Also, I recorded a podcast a few months ago with Jared Gustafson that is just airing now on New Nature’s Podcast.  It’s called Slinging Freedom Everywhere with Wayne Jacobsen.  We talk about moving from religious obligation to an intimate and transforming relationship with Jesus Christ. We talk about how to embrace the dynamics of a growing relationship over trying to conform ourselves to God’s expectations by our own will and performance.  I hope you find it helpful. It’s shorter, only 48 minutes.

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How Do I Love My Transgendered Child?

21 Comments / Culture Watch /

The letters come in now two or three a month. They’re all similar. In a moment of honesty an adult child has just informed their parents that they are transgendered or gay. Their question is always the same.

“What do we do now?”

Most parents are not prepared for this. Few have even thought about the possibility, especially if they raised their children in a Christian environment. This is something that happens to someone else’s children and now they have no idea how to respond, caught between the contempt they were taught to have for such claims, and the affection they have for the child they’ve loved heart and soul since birth.

It’s not an easy question to answer and I know many people will disagree with what I write here, but here is how I help parents respond to their child. I’ll admit I’m still sorting through all this in my own heart because it seems a tight-wire act to be sure. I assume people write me, however, because I embrace Biblical views of doctrine and morality. I also believe that the only hope of human transformation is through God’s kind of loving. In my view that’s what the Incarnation was all about: God winning by love and affection what fear and obedience could never untangle.

The question for us is whether we can love deeply someone who is embracing an identity or morality with which we don’t agree or approve. I used to think not. Love is the reward for conformity. If you don’t approve of what people are doing, you hold them at arm’s length hoping that shame will inspire them to repent. I never saw that work, however. Instead I kept reading about Jesus who could love people though they had not yet embraced God’s view of things. He saw the loving as opening a door to them, and the Pharisees derided him for it. But love is not about approving or rejecting, it’s about caring for people even at their most broken.

However you think of transgendered or gay issues, I hope we can agree that God’s love is the only thing that can work deeply enough in the human heart to change people. If that’s true, they have to taste of it before transformation is possible and often that love is first reflected in the actions of another who is learning to love as he loves. We all need to learn how love finds its way into relationships that view identity and morality differently than we do?

And to be honest, I’m not sure what the moral issues are with a transgendered person. Scripture doesn’t seem to address it except in one passage from Deuteronomy about clothing, but that really isn’t the same thing.  What is really going on when someone feels their anatomy is at odds with their psychological make-up? Is it a twist of darkness, or something else? Could it result from how the very distorted views we have of masculinity and femininity by the world and by religion?

My heart goes out to anyone caught in this struggle and I prefer to commend them to God to sort it out in the best way he can in each life. Most transgendered people don’t talk about it as a personal preference realizing how much it will impact others around them. For them it is a quest for survival itself. Most have contemplated suicide and too many have followed through with it rather than risk exposing their struggle to others. Is that what we want? I don’t. I have no doubt that God wants to be inside their honesty and struggle inviting them into his life and I want to be there with him.

So however these issues make you uncomfortable, it is worth sorting through them and learn how to support people in this struggle and what their parents are going through, rather than making them feel ashamed. If you don’t love someone who is transgendered, you’ve never dealt with the issue. You may think you have in Facebook postings and comments about your moral claims and the contempt you hold for those who see these things differently. That’s where political battles are fought and where judgment knows no bounds. Many would rather put these issues back in a closet never stopping to realize how oppressive that is for those who don’t fit into their preferred norms.

But when your child or a good friend lets you know that they have never felt comfortable in the body or the role society has put on them, what are you going to do? The parents writing me are often embarrassed that it’s happening to their child, worried about what family and friends might say, and scared of what the future may bring. They are also grieving the loss of long-held dreams and hopes they had for their child, and themselves. As one parent told me after their daughter announced she was transitioning to male, “I know my head was spinning for the first days… just totally spinning and bewildered.” And it’s normal to look for someone to blame for the crisis—their friends, the media, or even past discipline issues.

Fair enough. This is usually a shock to the parents and it’s not uncommon to seek a quick fix they hope will stuff it all back in the bottle. Just remember your son and daughter has been tortured with this struggle for a long time. None of this is easy for them. Before they come out to you, especially because they know how hard it would be for you, they already tried to stop it. They’ve repented and tried to pray the thoughts away, but their feelings haven’t changed.

As your head stops spinning, you’ll have a choice to make. Is your child someone you love deeply? If they are, then nothing has truly changed in your relationship with them. They are the same person they were an hour before they told you, it’s just that now you know more about what is really going on inside them. Can you imagine the courage it took for them to invite you to look deeply into their soul, especially when they know you’re not going to be blessed with the news? If you think this is coming from a broken place in their heart, wouldn’t you want all the more to be inside it with them, rather than abandoning them at so vulnerable a time?

Of course they are looking for your approval. They want nothing more than for you to embrace their newly announced identity and celebrate it with them. They too have tied love to approval. Some will even determine if you love them or not by whether you give them your blessing and may reject you if you don’t.

But most will know that they’ve just dropped a bombshell on the family and will hope that you’ll simply love them enough to work through this newfound information with them, whether you can approve or not. They will know you’ll need time to find a new footing in your relationship with them. Few people know how to love what they don’t approve. But God knows. He does it every day, with every one of us. Maybe it’s time we learn, too.

Let them know this isn’t going to be easy for you, but you want to learn how to respond in ways that are helpful to them. It will take some time for you both to learn. “You can’t expect me not to miss my little girl. I will. But I also realize you are the same person no matter how you present yourself on the outside and I want to love you no matter what, down whatever road you travel and I want to be a champion for you to find real joy and peace as you sort all this out.”

Let them know their decision will not change your love for them and your desire for them to find a life of joy and fulfillment. Even though you know that will only come in a transforming relationship with God’s love, you don’t have to push that on them.

Perhaps this is the hardest part of parenting, even in lesser ways when our children make decisions we don’t agree with in their careers or continuing to date someone we don’t like. Hopefully you’ll choose to discover the deepest realities of love and learn that being alongside your son or daughter even when they are making what you consider to be the wrong choices. Only there will you have the opportunity to share your love and your thoughts with them when they are ready for it.

If you want to be with them, put your love for them above everything else. Their choices are not your responsibility. Love doesn’t demand agreement and it doesn’t force its way on others. It will make them feel secure not threatened. Be with them and offer your thoughts only when they ask. When you learn not to manipulate their choices to do what you think best, they will want your input even if they don’t follow it right away. Remember this is all a journey and neither of you knows where it will lead in the next year, much less the next decade or two.

This is where you’ll learn each day how to listen to God and follow his lead. You cannot do this alone, but with him you’ll learn something about loving at the deepest level, when it sacrifices your hopes and dreams to support another person on their journey. You don’t have to forsake your convictions to do it. All you have to do is love like Father has loved you.

Can you love wholeheartedly in spite of the fact that someone is doing something with which we don’t approve? If so, you’ll offer a great gift to the world that will go well past your child or friend. It will be a lifeline to anyone around you lost in sin, bad theology, or hurtful behavior.

Every time you love like that you put God’s presence in the world, where he is able to do what is best to lead people to the light and to true freedom he has for them.

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