Wayne Jacobsen

There are few international stories in our time more compelling than the struggle for reconciliation and collaboration in post-apartheid South Africa. I have long been amazed by this story of oppressor and oppressed trying to find a way to build a society together and not to let vengeance hold sway, which so often happens in human history. My interest here is not just historical. It is also interpersonal. For the past twenty years I’ve been on a steep learning curve in human relationships learning what makes them thrive and what destroys them. I don’t know that there’s anything closer to God’s heart than relational healing. One of my recent LIVING LOVED articles, Betrayal, Forgiveness, and Reconciliation, was on this topic.

Two weeks ago Sara and I attended “A Conversation About Forgiveness, Reconciliation and Healing: Lessons from South Africa” at the Pepperdine University’s School of Law. It was a fascinating day and a powerful reminder of how critical reconciliation and forgiveness are in human culture. As part of that day we saw an award-wining documentary, Reconciliation: Mandela’s Miracle, a taped interview with Desmond Tutu about his work on the Truth and Reconciliation Commission, and excerpts of an uncompleted documentary, “The Foolishness of God: My Forgiveness Journey with Desmond Tutu“. We also heard from a panel consisting of South African Ambassador to the US, Ebrahim Rasool, Desmond Tutu biographer John Allen, and Michael Lapsley, an Anglican priest who was severely injured by a mail bomb for his outspokenness against apartheid and now heads the Institute for Healing of the Memories.

What a day! For a long time I have been fascinated with Nelson Mandela’s story of coming out of 27 years of imprisonment for his political beliefs and fight for an equitable society in post-apartheid South Africa, instead of exacting vengeance for the oppression he and other blacks had suffered. I hadn’t realized how critical Bishop Tutu was to that process as well. Having the ear of both blacks and whites and a whole-hearted devotion to forgiveness as a way forward for his homeland.

The story is all the more fascinating because it involves an entire country and so many people on both sides of the conflict who have had to find a way to work together, but the lessons that rise from that experience are as applicable to individual human relationships. I can’t share with you all I gained there, but here are some of the highlights I took away from the conversation that day:
Freedom is a community experience. One person cannot truly be free with others around them who are not. Mandela, “Your freedom and mine cannot be separated.” They sought negotiations where there was no victor and no vanquished, but that each understood the story of the other.
It is easy to have compassion for people who are like us, but freedom comes from having compassion for all people, especially those unlike us. We are different not to be separated by those differences, but to be united in harmony. We are different to know our need for each other.
“Hard vengeance is doing to them what they did to you,” Albie Sachs, a judge on the Constitutional court of South Africa. It will not lead to peace and freedom.
You cannot be human by yourself. We were created for interdependence. Your well-being is tied to my well-being. We are family is the truth.
There are three imperatives to reconciliation: (1) Confession: There can be no reconciliation without contrition on the part of the offender. Admit what you did was wrong and ask for forgiveness. (2) Forgive: It is a gospel imperative. It frees you from bitterness and makes you available again to love others. (3) Restitution: Give back what you’ve taken. Find a way to mitigate whatever damage you caused.
In their Truth and Reconciliation Commission, they asked what is the legal test for remorse? Of course there isn’t any. But they did find how very few people were really blood thirsty for revenge. Most people wanted acknowledgement for their pain and many found healing in the pubic telling of their story. They uncovered a huge generosity of spirit from those who had been victims of oppression.
They couldn’t rebuild society through absolute justice because it would only punish the perpetrators by turning the victims into victimizers. They sought what they called transitional justice, what would get us from where we are to where we want to be–from a dictatorial state into a democratic one?
From Ambassador Rasool, a black man who grew up a victim of apartheid, “When our hearts are filled with fear and anger, there is no room for generosity and peace.

It may be easy to judge South Africa harshly for their policies of apartheid, but European colonizers back in the day subjugated indigenous cultures throughout the world by violence and theft to seek a better life than themselves. We are still untangling that mess around the world. It’s just more pronounced in South Africa where the whites remained such a small minority of the population, whereas in the United States and other countries the indigenous people were overwhelmed by those who settled there.

The quest for reconciliation in South Africa was a gift from two transcendent individuals, Nelson Mandela, and Desmond Tutu, and the response of a country that chose truth, forgiveness and reconciliation over perpetuation of one side dominating the other. What they been able to get people to embrace strikes to the heart of the Gospel where generosity wins over broken humanity’s constant quest to take power over others for its own gain. Of course, the challenge still continues and a second generation of leaders will have to continue the quest. The huge economic divide between white and black South Africa will continue to test their resolve and demand that they seek creative solutions the embedded economic inequities of their culture.

It is easy for the oppressor to use forgiveness as an excuse to let bygones be bygones and not work to mitigate the inequities their domination caused in the wider culture. And hopefully their lessons are not lost on us in our own interpersonal relationship. Jesus died to bring ALL things together under one head. We live in that reality in the human relationships before us right now. Are we living to gain power over others so we can get our way, or are we learning to live in a generosity of spirit that seeks the well-being and freedom of others around me as much as we seek it for ourselves? Does the way we live in the world foster more pain by lying, gossip, and taking advantage of others, or are we finding our way into confession, forgiveness, and sharing that allows the kingdom to unfold around us?

There are lessons here for us all. Maybe that’s why Jesus didn’t tell us followers to start political movements, but to simply love their neighbor as they are being loved by Father.

Finally, the birthday gifts and party are now in the past, but what a weekend it was! I am so grateful to all who made this one special in so many ways. To have my home and yard filled with people I love and share the laughter and joy of family and long-time friendship was truly a blessing and an honor. Sara and I know some pretty incredible people and connecting with them again filled our lives with gratitude.

And there were so many others who wrote and shared their thoughts and greetings as well. I already told you about my birthday book my daughter created for me with letters people sent from all over the world to celebrate our relationship. It turned out to be quite a project as she worked on it for more than eight months. It was a secret she and many others had to keep for much of that time. Here’s what she wrote about it:

              The secret… a book of letters to my dad… expressions of love, gratitude,

              special memories, or as simple as a birthday wish written from people that

              have known my dad at some point over his 60 years of life. It all started

              with a simple email that spread from Ventura County through California,

              across the US and all across the world…Australia, South Africa, Canada,

              and all over Europe. I received well over 100 letters when all was said and

              done. And put them all together in this book.

If you want to see some of what she wrote about it, you can check out her blog and pictures about the night she gave the book to me. And the book was a big draw on Saturday. Everyone wanted to see it and many spent time reading it. I won’t post it here; it’s over 40,000 words. So you’ll just have to come by and look at it if you want.

   Part of the crowd that was able to join us this weekend for my birthday

Sara and I are now left in the afterglow of that rich weekend and the love of so many people. As we’re slowly reading through the book my daughter put together, I’ve been reminded of a couple of things that are pretty important:

First, what people most appreciate about your life is not what you’ve accomplished but how you’ve treated them. What came up over and over again in the letters was not the books I’d written or the achievements people attach to my life, but how they’ve watched Sara and I have live our our lives and the simplicity of conversation, whether in laughter and tears, that helped them through a tough spot, or encouraged them to lean more deeply into Jesus. I love that. I think that’s why Jesus didn’t write books or start ministries. He knew that how he lived with Father would best be conveyed by simply living openly in the world, and he knew that the power in a real conversation was all that was needed to allow the kingdom of God to spread in the world.

Second, I’m refreshed in the power of affirmation. Reading what others have appreciated about my life has impacted me far more deeply than I thought it would. It has helped me be reminded of those things that really matter in life, and not get lost in all the projects I sometimes think are so critical. Sharing with someone how you appreciate them and what they’ve meant to you is life-changing. It is often difficult in our culture either to give or receive complements. Both make us uncomfortable. We don’t often give them for fear will be responsible for stoking someone’s pride, and we often deflect them when given to us because we feel undeserving.

I’ve often gone away from funerals thinking how powerful it would have been for the deceased to have heard those things said about them while they were still alive. How much would it have set them at ease in knowing how God had made himself known through them, or how much they meant to others? Reading my daughter’s book was like attending my own funeral, without the death part, which really is the worse part. And I’ll admit to being incredibly surprised at what many people said and how they looked at my life. But it has been and continues to be so enriching and it has allowed me to relive memories of my times with them.

So I come away from this week wanting to be more intentional about speaking life and encouragement into people while it still matters. I want them to know how much they are loved and appreciated and what I see of God’s glory reflected in them. Imagine if our conversations were filled with that an dhow it would not only change the tone of many of our conversations, but perhaps the tone of the world around us as well.
 

It is always hard for me to use this space to ask for money to help the brothers and sisters in Kenya. I figure most folks are getting Kenya fatigue, and if you are, please feel free to not read any further. But then someone I meet will ask me about the orphans in Kenya and I am reminded that some of you carry these people on your hearts even though you’ve never been there and never met them as I have. That just sends me into moments of joy knowing we are not alone here.

The gas station is taking shape in Kenya. We have already received almost $10,000.00 of the $72,000 we need to give the Kenyans a way to provide for the orphanage themselves. Thank you for all those who have helped. Much of that came in the form of very small gifts that piled up rapidly. Thanks to all who are helping with this.

The brothers and sisters in Kenya are excited about this endeavor and overwhelmed with gratitude that so many of you would stand by them with this project. We’ve already sent our first installment to them and they are hard at work. The profits of this station will provide enough to house, feed, clothe, and educate those children.

I received this over the weekend from Michael:

        Greetings in Jesus name, I would like to appreciate so much for the support of Living Loved Enterprise, the first money you send have helped us to pay for the ordered products and the down payment of the land, really, Brother, we do appreciate. I even have run out of words, but just to thank God through you for the great support that we received.

        We are arranging now for the further progress of the project as I told you in previous mail. If God provides we can complete for land payment, installation of the machine, and landscaping together with construction of the site.

                      Michael and his wife take delivery of the dual storage tank.

                                 The new pumps have arrived

This amount needs to come in quickly as this land is being developed, so if you feel called to help us support these children with this enterprise, or help with our monthly support until it is completed, we and they would be grateful. If you want to know more about this project or the AIDs recovery home we also support in South Africa, you can see our Sharing With the World page at Lifestream. You can either donate with a credit card there, or you can mail a check to Lifestream Ministries • 1560 Newbury Rd, Ste 1 #313 • Newbury Park, CA 91320. Or if you prefer, we can take your donation over the phone at (805) 498-7774.

I hold in my hands a treasure. It’s a book I will read and reread for the rest of my time here on this planet. Last night my daughter and grandkids came over to celebrate the start of this weekend that celebrates my 60 years of life. She brought a very special gift. For the past eight months she has been soliciting and collecting letters from people all over the world who wanted to express something about my life to commemorate this milestone.

To say I was shocked would be a gross understatement. I can’t believe my daughter did this. It is filled with letters and pictures from family and close friends from all over the world, and it is already been the cause of many tears. What Sara, my daughter, and my son wrote made every difficult place in this journey more than worth it. I love seeing my life through their eyes and it has touched me profoundly.

I haven’t read all the letters yet. Not by a long shot, but I can’t wait to do so with Sara as we get time. I’ve already been deeply touched just by the number of you who wrote and the kind expressions of life and grace you expressed. This book goes all the way back to my childhood as it unfolds great memories and celebrates the friendships God has given me with so many. Many have written what they have seen of God’s work in my life and how it has touched them and encouraged their journeys. Wow! It has been a joy to look through and I’m looking forward to a more detailed read.

                                     A quick peek at the book last night

And it just continues today as I watch 100s of birthday greetings scroll across my Facebook page. I am so grateful for all the people behind them. Seeing their names scroll by on Facebook brings such warm memories to my heart. Outside of family, the richest treasure I have in this age is my friendships with people near and far and how much love and wisdom I receive from every exchange of life with so many .

This is going to be a special weekend for sure, celebrating my sixty years on the planet and a journey in God that Sara and I could never have imagined, but one that we consider an incredible gift from God. Through good times and bad, Father has continued to draw us into his life and it has exceeded anything we ever dreamed.

Today is a quiet day. I got to enjoy the grandkids last night as they took me out to dinner. Sara and I are leaving now to attend A Conversation about Forgiveness, Reconciliation, and Healing: Lessons from South Africa, at Pepperdine University. I have so enjoyed the South African story as it ended apartheid and has struggled to find a way to live together in peace and share a culture with all the inequities in it. I know many people from there that have enriched my heart, and I find the story of those such as Nelson Mandela, who came out of a quarter century of hard labor in prison with a heart for reconciliation and not vengeance. It is one of the transcendent stories of our time and I’m looking forward to getting behind that story today. What a birthday present!

Then, this weekend, Sara has planned a huge celebration at our home. More than 70 people from near and far are coming to spend the day with me. I’ve seen the guest list and am blessed at those who are coming, some very dear friends from many moons ago, some who were children growing up with my own, and some who are newfound friends here in Ventura County. I can’t wait to hug their necks and catch up on our lives.

Thanks, Sara, for all you did to plan this week. And, Julie, thanks for the book! And to all of you who wrote and are still writing, thank you so much. I’m a very blessed man who is so grateful this morning I could just explode. But I’ll try not to, at least not until Saturday has passed!